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They are Smol

They are Smol – Badguys, Boxes and Boops, Chapter 19: Hope springeth eternal

With overdue care, a large scarred and weathered hand placed a small plastic chunk into a much tinier, gloved hand. The chunk had work done to it; it was fashioned into a small figurine, and there were attempts at detailing, polishing, and even painting over the item’s bare, gray surface. None of it was any good – the paint was too thick, the colors clashed, the tool working was clumsy, but anyone could tell at a glance that there was some real heart put into it.

“[And this one is Happy Day.]” Stk’shzsk said, tilting his head awkwardly to watch Nate’s reaction as the human turned over the figurine in his tiny hands. Nate sat comfortably in Stk’shzsk’s room atop a mound of pillows, blankets, clothing and other miscellaneous bits and bobs, vibrating in his suit with mixed, incoherent emotion as the lonely Jornissian continued to entertain him, showing him the small bits of his life that he cherished and held dear. Stk’shzsk was by no means wealthy, and most of his actual wealth was tied up into shares and off-shore bank accounts that weren’t large and he couldn’t access just yet; it’s why most of his personal effects were either hand-me-downs, scrap, reconstituted garbage, or a combination of all three.

He was, in a word, poor. But he was trying.

“[Um, I call him Happy Day cause I always pat him on the head… when I have a. Um. Happy Day.]” Stk’shzsk said, his voice petering out as the awkwardness of what he was actually saying – and doing – seeped in. “[Though, I guess that’s a bit childish, and not really interesting – Oh!]”

In a flash, Nate leapt up and wordlessly patted the larger Jornissian encouragingly on the head – still vibrating with emotions about the whole ordeal. Stk’shzsk closed his eyes and gave a happy little wiggle, and Nate responded with a gurgling squeal.

“STARS WILL WITHER AND DIE AT YOUR COMMAND, MY PUREST CHILD.”

“[Yes! He’s a human just like you!]” Stk’shzsk responded, nodding in his best approximation of human body language. He stopped his full-body bobbing up and down, and stared at his new friend – before letting out yet another happy wiggle. “[Oh my stars I can’t believe you’re actually real! It’s just, wow, you’re actually here and we can hang out and play games and totally become the best of friends and-]”

Stk’shzsk started to babble happily as a wave of emotion rolled over him; the manifestation of his coping – his hopes and dreams – in the flesh just a few meters away was too much for him to handle, and he had to continue to poke, prod and pinch himself to be reassured that he wasn’t dreaming. Nate, for his part, answered Stk’shzsk’s happy babbling with blood oaths of loyalty and revenge, swearing vendettas against all who would dare to harm his precious new charge. The two of them spent a few happy, long hours this way – exploring Stk’shzsk’s living quarters, I mean, not swearing oaths to each other. As the two spent more time together and the novelty/surprise began to wear off, it became painfully obvious that there was a bit of a disconnect between the two: Nate understood Stk’shzsk, as his translator was up to date on all the most commonly spoken languages in this sector of the galaxy, but Stk’shzsk… well.

Stk’shzsk had never heard real life human before. Sure, dodgily-translated illegal downloads help a bit, and he could definitely tell that words were being spoken, but outside of that Stk’shzsk just had to roll with the vibe. The two of them began to build a rudimentary sign language together involving pointing at objects of interest, open and closing hands, and a couple of interesting hand gestures that could be taken out of context should someone have passed by.

“[So anyway, uh. That’s the bed over there. I like sand pit style beds cause you can kind of sink into them, and if you’ve dropped in some heating stones a few hours before they really retain temperature very well. It… helps, what with us kind of throwing things together out here on the happy, hardy frontier.]” Stk’shzsk diplomatically said, looking around at his living quarters with a sigh. “[It’s supposed to be temporary… but I honestly don’t know how long I’ll be staying. The goal was to do this for a few years and get enough GRC to start our own business, but it honestly feels like you’re sliding on glass sometimes… Oh! I say “our” because I have a brother – you should-]”

Stk’shzsk thought for a moment about the conversation that he had with Hrrs-tssk’ just a little while ago, and flatly closed his mouth for a moment. “[Actually, he’d probably be a terrible influence on you and I should keep you as far away from him as possible.]”

Nate gently placed the armful of statuettes that had been given to him over the past 30 minutes back onto their rightful place in the shrine, doing his best to keep them in some coherent arrangement. “Oh how I will shower you with jewels – emeralds the size of your fists, to buy the finest things that your heart desires. Nothing shall be withheld from you, for you have suffered enough – I will open the very gates of Valhalla unto you, and fight Odin himself to give you a seat of honor at the feasting table.”

“[I do wish I spoke Human.]” Stk’shzsk replied as the human babbled while placing his statues back on his desk, and gently patted his helmeted visitor on the top of the head again. “[I’d really like to know how you got here! It’s not like you just appeared out of nowhere! Someone had to- oh. Ah.]”

Stk’shzsk stuck his tongue out in mute thought as the realization hit him; he had been so entranced at the miracle that appeared before him he hadn’t put in any thought as to how it happened. “[Oh. We’re cutting apart your ship – I. I’ve been collecting your personal things! I’m so sorry~]

Nate let out what could charitably be called a feral hiss as he leapt at Stk’shzsk, wrapping the Jornissian in a full body arm-and-leg hug. “NO TEARS NOW. ONLY DREAMS.”

Stk’shzsk sniffled, gently curling up to return the hug. “[Y-you forgive me? I…]” Stk’shzsk swallowed, hard, as he fought back thick emotion. “[Y-You ask for so little and yet deserve so much~!]”

The offending piece of synthetic metal and aluminum was no larger than your average corpse, and that comparison – while morbid – was not lost on anyone in the Body Politic.

“[Thank you… Back, for that mental image.]” Bones said, the fear, rage and anger having left him long ago, being replaced with an exhausted weariness that he was certain would follow him through multiple reincarnations. “[So. Once more from the top, so I can wrap my mind around this.]”

Bile, frowning, rested his hand on a large black dodecahedron the size of a watermelon, rolling it idly on his desk. “[This is a Quantum Battery, albeit a small one. Within it is a series of entangled particles, suspended in some very exotic liquids – I won’t bore you with the details; the point being that if you wiggle a particle within this battery, it wiggles the entangled sibling on the other side. That other side can be a mile away, or it can be across the universe, it doesn’t matter. This is how we have near-instantaneous interstellar communication.]”

Bile sighed as he patted the device. “[This is also incredibly expensive. System nexii usually have thousands of these things, and they’re all tied to other systems who are tied – in a relay – to everywhere else. Ship comes into the system, vomits out data, that data gets assigned to a node that goes to your desired endpoint, and … well, there you go. Any ship with one of these on-board is a VIP ship, to say the least: For some reason they need to have a secure channel to somewhere, and that costs a lot of energy, material, time and effort to maintain. This thing is probably worth as much, if not more, than the ship we ripped it out of.]”

“[Which is why your team processed it without question.]” Blood said, frowning as he stared sourly at the device as if it was the root of all his current problems.

“[Yes. I’m not going to fault them at all, I would too – until Brains, well.]” The Karnakian gave a respectful head tilt towards the female Jornissian, who shrugged in acknowledgment. “[Everything lined up with the cover story we told ourselves. Problem is, once you’ve disconnected the battery from it’s terminal, the bits on the inside stop being entangled.]”

Back growled a bit, kneading her thighs in a mixture of anxiety and frustration. “[So they phoned home. Your useless jammers couldn’t even-]”

Bones let out a high-pitched keening whistle, the audible force of the shriek hitting everyone in the room like a slap to the face. “[We are not fighting right now! If you start casting blame, We will have you removed! Is that understood?!]”

Back stared angrily at the older Karnakian, who began to rise from his seat – before looking away with a huff.

“[It’s not that our jammers don’t work; it’s that this doesn’t rely on traditional EM spectrum. This can’t be jammed… only cut.]”

“[So what message went out?]” Brains said, trying to help the conversation along.

“[Nothing.]” Bile responded, rolling the Quantum battery along his desk. “[But it was the most obvious nothing; it’s… the cut static of a line. It’s the sharp bark of electricity overloading a wire. All they have to do is notice the line is dead, and that will tell them everything they’d want to know.]”

“[And who is they in this illustration?]” Back said, keeping the emotion – but not the edge – out of her voice.

Bile shook his crest in response. “[Let your imagination run wild, because we have no way of knowing; there are some obvious guesses – the Human government, some military coalition group, maybe. I’ve heard humans are partnering with everyone and everything they can – so possibly an aid alliance?]”

“[Can you just… stick it back in? Would they believe it was a transmission error?]” Brains said, the small bit of hope dying in her voice as she read Bile’s expression in response to her question.

Blood cleared his throat as he doodled on his desk, drawing nonsensical designs with his tablet stylus. “[So the next obvious question to ask, before we all space ourselves in fear: Can they track it? Do they know that we are here?]”

Bile inhaled deeply and gave his best ‘I have no fucking clue’ full body shrug. “[This is the first time I or my team has ever had one of these things! I can’t tell you how it’s made, or how it’s put together, or how to even open it safely without breaking containment and possibly causing a mini supernova or some other horrific catastrophe. Empty hells below, I didn’t even know that the suspension fluid existed, let alone what it’s made of, until I started to do some research on it a few hours ago. The usual thing to do here would be to roll this to your office, Brains, and you make us all significantly richer.]”

Brains smiled a bit at the compliment. “[Yes, well. Be that as it may, this is too hot to move now. What are our actual options for mitigation – Blood?]”

It was Blood’s turn to give his best ‘I have no fucking clue’ full body shrug, his hood flexing and deflating widely as he tapped his stylus against his workstation. “[If we stood shoulder to shoulder we could probably fit everyone into our ships at the same time. Whatever loot we could take would need to be digital or very tiny and expensive. Alternatively, we could package and toss some of our goods into the void, but that’s assuming we could ever come back to this exact spot in space to do our paces and find the treasure’s trajectory. Long story short, we can’t run unless we decide to break our oaths, and if we break our oaths our crew will rightly kill us where we stand.]”

“[No comment.]” Back said, continuing to knead her legs. No one had to pressure her for her take on it – there was nothing she could really… do.

“[Maybe.]” Bones said, staring into the middle distance as his gaze rested on the OIH-approved media terminal laying on the floor in the center of the room. “[Maybe, Brains, you can help us out one last time.]”

Brains let out a mirthless laugh. “[Under normal circumstances I’d say that sounds incredibly ominous, but…]”

“[Granted.]” Bones said, popping his tail as he stretched. “[But. You and the ship captain seemed to have a bit of a rapport.]”

“[I don’t know if you could call it that, but yes. You think we just come clean now to them?]” Brains replied, crossing her arms in thought.

“[Something like that. Maybe asking for mercy? Not forgiveness, but… if we just surrender to them, would that work? We don’t have any way to bargain-]”

“[Body.]”

“[What?]” Bile replied, blinking. “[Excuse me?]”

“[Body.]” Back said, pointing at the terminal. “[We don’t have a body.]”

Back let her comment rest in the air for a few moments before continuing. “[We don’t have a body, meaning, we can’t prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the human is alive or dead. It could have escaped on a life raft, or be hiding among the debris, or even among the crew – it’s not like they let us search them with any scrutiny, and we did give them a very defensible position to hold up in. If the human is dead, we’re already dead – but if the human is alive-]”

“[Then we have a chance to negotiate our terms of surrender.]” Bones finished, plucking errant downy feathers from his muzzle. “[It’s a one in a billion, billion chance, but, damn. How many of those have we had this month already?]”

Brains straightened herself up, smoothing down her dress suit as a faint ember of hope glowed within her. “[Well. I might as well go make friends, then.]”

“[I’ll start sweeping our neighborhood with our drones.]” Bile said, already beginning to send out commands. “[See if there’s anything out there.]”

“[I can… I guess just keep things running.]” Blood said, slight excitement in his voice as the team came up with a plan. “[We do have a backlog of materials, and I can keep everyone busy by processing and refining them out – which is a perfect cover story.]”

“[I’ll help you with that.]” Bones said, nodding to himself. “[Best to keep morale high, and idle hands don’t get into trouble.]”

Back, for her part, stood up and rolled her shoulders. “[I guess me and my team will go for a walk. See what we see.]”

“[Back, be gentle, if you find anything.]” Brains chided, before being waved off dismissively.

“[I know, I know. I more want to spread my people out so we can get there first if we do find the human. Protect it from itself and others and all that noble crap.]”

“[Why Back, I didn’t know you had it in you~]” Blood teased, grinning. “[Here I thought you were only good for moving boxes and looking angry.]”

Back coyly smiled, flicking her ears. “[Well. It’s not like anyone else is going to keep the peace out here. Someone’s got to do the protecting.]”

She woke, slowly, as if suddenly called from nothingness, the cloudy cotton haze of unconsciousness fading into a dull ache. Her back eyes were closed, senses dull and dead to the world; her back eyes had never closed, the soul-light of those around her starting to come into focus. Everything was glossy, like looking up into stars from under a clear lake – she attempted to exist there, for a while, and succeeded.

She was breathing. She remembered that, and how easy it was, and how it hurt right now. Her eyes opened against her will and command, the world unfocused and confusing.

She was in a bed. She didn’t feel the bed, but she was in it; he body had conformed to the padding, and she could not tell where she began and it ended.

“|You alright? Hey. Hey, sshhh.|” She knew that voice, and attempted to respond with something, but her mouth didn’t work and her tongue was too big. It was so difficult to breathe, so she just let out a little groan in response.

“|Yeah, I bet – I know how that feels.|” The voice responded, and she felt a warm hand on her chest. “|You’re going good, though. Doctor says you’ll be coherent in a few hours, so until then you just get to hear me talk at you, I guess. Welcome back to the world of the living, sis.|”

Tr’’r’ikii accidentally breathed out a two-toned whistle, and attempted to move, but the hand on her chest became two, and pushed her down with the weight of the entire world.

“|Hey now, relax. You’re going to be fine – no burnout, no surgeries, but you need to relax.|”

“|Bgnq.|” Tiki said, and a muzzle kissed her cheek.

“|Couldn’t have said it better myself.|” Toko responded, puffing out his feathers in joy. “|Now, to help you recuperate, let me tell you some totally true stories about my shore leave during boot camp. So this one time-|”

Tiki groaned, and wished for the comfort of nothingness to take her once again.

Unfortunately, for the next 3 hours, it didn’t.

Categories
Stories They are Smol

They are Smol – Badguys, Boxes and Boops, Chapter 18: You can’t say you wouldn’t either. He is pure.

A gloved hand gently patted the head of the breadbot, and glowing red eyes looked up at their master.

“Pillsbury, my son. You are baked now, and it is time.” Nate cradled the fused-together abomination of food, wiring and electrical parts, the drone letting out a cheerful egg-timer ding in response to the attention. Nate, in full suit, floated up to the airlock and began to work through the cycling procedure, slowly venting the air inside his life raft into ballast tanks. Soundlessly, the airlock door opened to a black gaping void; Nick’s helmet light kicked on, and the dust and grime of an unserviced vent exhaust port yawned open before them.

“You must choose now.” He spoke to the baked abomination, tiny cracker treads spinning impotently in the vacuum of space. “Will you go right, so I can go left? Or left, so I can go right?”

Pillsbury thought for a moment – if the misfiring of uninsulated wires in toasted bread dough could count as thinking – and let out another cheerful egg-timer ding in response. Nate didn’t hear it so much as feel the vibration in his hands, and nodded solemnly.

“Thank you, my son. Keep your cameras on, and path well.” Nate gently pushed the breadbot away from him, the momentum launching the tiny orb of a robot into the closest vent. Nate watched – not necessarily because all his hopes and dreams rested on the little guy (though he wouldn’t tell him otherwise) but because he needed to know if there was anything dangerous in these here vents. A nice, soft, round boi such as breadbot would be a perfect target for anything automated…

Pillsbury apparently hit something in the vent and began to spin rapidly, tiny glowing red eyes turning to streaks of light as it bounced off another wall and rolled out of sight.

“Hmm. Duly noted. I’m going to go this way, and see what I can see.” And with that, Nate kicked off of his moored life-raft, and floated slowly into the unknown.

Exhaust vents, like most other things of purely utilitarian design, are not meant for traversal – and I’m sorry that Die Hard lied to you. Not only did exhaust vents typically rapidly narrow or expand without warning, but they bent at angles that made sense for escaping gasses – not people’s spines. Adding to that rough interior surfaces, flow control valves and grates, fans and dozens of other hazards, and it was no wonder that most vent work was done by either dismantling the section to work on, or sending in a robot to do the work for you.

Nate was lucky in that the pirates, who don’t care about such things as “structural integrity” and “long-term use”, simply drilled a couple holes from the outside of the asteroid into it’s interior, and then welded on some basic vents and airlocks to make sure the pressure could be equalized. Nate pressed himself up against the rough meteor wall, magnetic coils on his suit activating to stick him to the drill-marked surface as sure as any gecko to a stucco wall back home. Before him, snapped shut, was a camera-shutter like interior door coated with space-dust for lack of use. It was obvious that the door hadn’t been opened in a long, long time, and Nate’s helmet-light began to search the structure with the turn of his head. He wasn’t looking for much, just an open panel or something to determine if this portal, like the ones he had encountered before it, had been turned off and/or welded shut. When you’re racing against time you have to pick your battles, and Nate wasn’t too keen on trying to figure out how to pry open a welded airlock door stealthily. After a few minutes of searching he noticed a slight reflection of something gleaming on the seam between rock and formed metal, and detached himself from the wall with an intentional kick, floating up towards the new object of interest.

His magnetic gloves thrummed to life as he bounced against the “ceiling”, and his training kicked in – he let his arms go slack, the reinforced nature of the suit providing the actual grip and arresting of his momentum. Once Nate finally came to a halt, he unclamped a hand and began to brush away at the warped metal panel before him, the slight pull of the structure’s microgravity dragging his legs gently downward.

Success. It looked like at some point something had slammed against the grate, and it exposed some wiring. Nate reached into a suit pocket and pulled out a Multimeter; sticking it to the wall, he turned it on, connecting the ground wire to part of the wall that he knew to be dead.

“Well… let’s see.” Nate sighed, beginning the ancient human learning rite of ‘poking it with a stick’.

Nothing on wire 1.

Nothing on wire 2.

Nothing o- Oh. Nate grinned as there was the barest trickle of current that his multimeter could detect through the insulated wiring. This was something he could work with!

With a gloved hand he reached in around the live wire, gripping the foam insulation and pulling, fist-sized and larger chunks of the forbidden treat being flung into the abyss at his back. As the minutes turned to hours, he slowly worked open a large cavity within the larger superstructure. This did a few things for him: it let his on-board computer figure out more of the wiring and what it could lead to, it let him see the design thought process behind the control valve itself, and it also let him poke the big wire. You know the one. Not just any old live wire.

It was the one that hums.

“Magic wire magic wire magic wireNate chanted to himself as he pulled out his multimeter again, the device just simply saying “don’t” when it was touched to check the electrical current flowing through. Nate pondered for a moment, before unlatching a compartment on his forearm, keyboard and mousepad glowing to life. He began to type in inquiries, and his suit helpfully displayed the results on the interior of his helmet.

With a silent rip Nate tore the last piece of duct tape from the roll, applying the final silver seal on his impromptu airlock to the wall. Nate floated before the sealed door and basked in his handiwork as he pondered his options, the microgravity slowly pulling him down.

Constantly checking his biometrics, a subroutine in the suit’s AI realized Nate was in introspection – and so, the suit gave him a few prudent suggestions while it had Nate’s undivided attention:

(1) Don’t.

(2) Really. Don’t.

However, as Nate ignored those, the suit gave him a few more:

(3) You could attempt to overload live wiring with no protection, thereby frying you instantly. Don’t.

(4) You could attempt to use a thermite stick to cut a hole in the portal, but the potential decompression would kill you. Don’t.

(5) Find the circuit breaker. Turn it off. See if that works. But do something about the regulation of atmosphere, please.

And although was the most boring of the suggestions, it was also the most practical and sane.

Nate eventually bumped into the cave wall, and took the opportunity to sit properly down and run through a mental double-check. It had taken him a few days to map out the wiring, pry open other panels (no percussion allowed, after all), and figure out where the off switch would even be located. Once his suit had a good enough guess, he still needed to figure out the pressure regulation problem – and his answer to that was questionable at best. Sure, the impermeable emergency tarp was theoretically rated for null-atmospheric conditions, and if you layered them you could do a weird baggy-kinda-airlock system, but.

But.

He was using it as an impromptu airlock instead of an emergency shelter or patch to his ship. If he was wrong – or if the airlock suddenly and violently opened and the other side was pressurized, his tarp would be less of a sheet blowing in the wind and closer to a giant spitwad blowing out at him well past terminal velocity. In-between his excavations of insulation and sonic mapping of the wiring he rested in his life-raft, cycled through what cameras he had to the outside world, and thought to himself about this gamble.

Of course, that wasn’t even touching the bigger problems – how in the world would he actually free his friends? How would he defeat the pirate menace? How would he alert the UTF?

Nate sighed, his visor temporarily fogging up before dissipating. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I guess. One small step and all that nonsense.” With a grunt Nate pushed himself into the air with his hands, floating up towards the magic wire and the insulation cave of mystery that he himself had excavated and explored. Magnetic coils once again stopped his ascent, and he floated there, weightless for a moment, as he looked at what his computer gave as a best guess at a fusebox. Not a circuit breaker – no, we couldn’t be that lucky – but if you pulled enough fuses, you’d break the circuit, and if you broke the circuit…

‘Don’t.’ Helpfully and somewhat desperately Nate’s suit’s AI flashed across his visor – sending one last Hail Mary to ultimately be ignored, as Nate picked a live fuse at random and pulled.

The Jornissian stood, unmoving, before the manager. It wasn’t so much that she waltzed right in and demanded to see him or else she’d make a scene, rather, she just simply pointed out that if she was delayed in her business of selling their ill-gotten gains then no one would get paid, and she was moved to the front of the line.

“[Bile.]”

“[Mmmmm.]”

“[Bile.]”

The Karnakian sighed as he looked up from his nest of wiring, outdated technology and broken mechanical bric-a-brac, placing the tablet he was working on down on anything that resembled a slightly flat surface. With exaggerated movement Bile trained all his eyes on his Jornissian colleague, fluffing his feathers out in his best impersonation of something resembling prim and proper. “[Welcome to OmegaMart Tech Group, have you tried turning it off and on again?]”

The dusty orange-brown Jornissian rubbed her neck, staring at Bile flatly as she tilted her head. “[You don’t need to ignore me like that.]”

“[And you don’t need to skip in line!]” Bile said in his best customer service voice. “[Ma’am unless you’re a valued Infinicard customer I can’t-]”

The entire body of the Jornissian female flexed in frustration. “[Bile, so help me-]”

“[Oh, fine.]” Bile said, his feathers flattening down to something more reasonable. “[No, I don’t have anything you can move yet, yes I know we’re on a credit crunch, no nothing of interest is on the personal effects we’ve cleaned so far other than the usual – save for the pornography, and a surprising amount of human media.]”

Brains visibly perked up, her fingers picking at errant, loose scales on her forearms. “[Alright, so, what kind of human media are we talking about?]”

Bile let out an exasperated, and surprised peep. “[Really? Of all people on this gods-forsaken pile of rubble, you’re also a human-freak? Is it a Jornissian thing, or-]”

Brains frowned. “[No, it’s not, it’s a … look, I’m just. I have this idea stuck in my head-]”

Bile extended his hand, pointing to an indiscriminate spot on the floor. “[Medbay’s down a few levels to the right, if you’re in pain.]”

“[Bile. Stop – just because you didn’t get the Brains moniker doesn’t mean you get to take out your wounded pride on me! I have an honest concern, and I need help; give me that help, or else we’ll vote for someone else who can.]” Brains hissed, almost ferally, the intensity of her visceral reaction pressing Bile back against the wall with surprise.

“[Okay, alright. Alright.]” Bile raised his hands up in a pleading gesture, his crown of feathers flat against his head. “[You usually don’t mind some playful insults. What’s wrong?]”

Brains took a few moments to compose herself, folding her hands before her stomach and taking a deep breath. “[I spent some time with Blood, and with one of his subordinates – a Mr. Stk’shzsk, who I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting.]”

“[It’s not a pleasure, trust me. He’s a bit, yanno.]” Bile interrupted, making some very rude hand gestures.

“[Be that as it may, he – Blood – pointed out that our captives were smuggling a significant amount of physical human paraphernalia. I wanted to see if that was also digital as well-]”

“[Aaaaaaah~]” Bile said, clapping his hands. “[We’re solving the mystery here! I wasn’t really paying too much attention until one of my Level 3’s started to scalp some really nice things.]”

Brains nodded softly, her hood still tight against her body. “[Right, I was-]”

Bile interrupted again with a shushing motion, his tailfeathers fanning open and closed dismissively. “[Yeah, yeah. Let me pull that up right now-]” Bile said, half to himself, as he closed a couple dozen programs on his workstation and began to scroll through a couple dozen more. “[- looks like mostly mainstream stuff from what my tech reports are saying. New, and new vintage, which will go for a bit of a premium. There’s also some home movies flagged-]”

“[For human media?]” Brains said, stopping Bile in his mental tracks.

“[…You know, that could actually open up a whole lot of leads. Let’s see who we have to bribe!]” Bile crowed, and with a few mental and physical commands one of the suspect videos was pulled at random and projected against the wall. The two watched with rapt attention as a human – a real one – moved and wiggled and babbled as it walked around a station, apparently leading the cameraperson towards some thing of interest. In the background were other xenos, some unimpressive kiosk businesses, but also other humans, just… milling about.

A real human station.

Eventually they ended up at what looked like a game of chance or skill, and the human – still babbling constantly – began to pay GRC to move a claw arm to pick up what looked like absolutely useless stuffed toys and general crap. He pointed at the cameraperson, who reached forward to grip the incredibly tiny joystick with a thick, furred arm. A Dorarizin male looked back at himself through the reflection in the game glass, an incredibly goofy smile plastered on his features… and at no point did the human ever stop babbling, or helpfully pointing at various things, even when he had to use the Dorarizin’s own size to help himself up to point at a particular item of interest.

“[Rip my primaries and call me a turtle.]” Bile said, pausing the video. “[That’s adorable.]”

“[Can you check another one?]” Brains said, rolling her jaw. “[I want to see if… it’s the same human.]”

Bile thought for a moment, looking up from his terminal to stare at his Jornissian colleague. He frowned as his mind tried to catch up to where she was, and as he sat in contemplation he pulled up another video pulled from some random crewman’s terminal. In it, a recreational room – some hard light tablegames, sure, but also some real ones. Ones that looked archaic, simple, and… tiny. The person recording this one was an observer, watching a human move pieces from his side forward in some odd strategy, the Karnakian on the other side of the table taking turns moving his own pieces. The human babbled a bit, to which the Karnakian responded with a smile – a decidedly non-karnakian smile using his teeth – and responded with a joke.

“[It’s the same human.]” Brains said, a cold finality settling into her mind.

Bile shook his head. “[Now, look, I know they haven’t really spread out so they all kind of look alike anyway, but th-]”

“[It’s the same human. You can tell – look at their head… fluff. Same style.]”

“[Okay, maybe, but human space stations probably have break rooms, Brains.]” Bile said, scratching his jaw. “[Odd proportions, though. Never seen mixed-species rooms lik-]”

“[Was that video taken near the last one?]”

Bile let out a tonal sound before responding. “[-uh. They’re… well if my math works out because apparently we can’t use Holy Standard Time in this heathen galaxy… maybe 5 months apart?]”

“[Five months apart. Same human. Bile. It’s the same human.]”

Bile began to breathe a bit deeper, a bit quicker, his body seeming to visibly inflate and deflate with each breath. “[Alright, fine, but that doesn’t mean anything other than they made a friend! This could be their contact, for all we know!]”

Brains sat, almost motionless, as the fear of the realization of what might be turned into cold horror of what currently is. “[Bile, that’s the ship’s break room, you can’t tell me otherwise.]”

“[N-no. No, because, because no. Kah!]” Bile laughed, the sudden spasm forcing out a cough at the same time. “[No, that would be, that. The odds of that are-]” Bile looked around his office, the machinery and trinkets he had collected over his life offering him no counsel or consolation. “[But, I. But. The home videos, and- oh.]”

“[Yeah.]” Brains said, emotionless.

“[-with the media, but Oh. Th. But.]” Bile suddenly looked up from his wandering panic attack, eyes wide as the realization hit him square in the face. “[Oh Ancestors, we cut the ship in half.]”

“[Correct.]”

“[Cor- How can you be so calm?!]” Bile screamed, shaking visibly with fear and frustration. “[DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ABSOLUTELY FUCKED WE ARE?!]”

“[Yeah. I’ve had… some more time to process it, but I think the only people who know are you, me, and Blood – though, he probably hasn’t put the whole thing together. We’re dead. We’re all very dead.]”

“[I- G. Q. NNNGH.]” Bile screamed through his clenched jaw, slamming his balled fists into his terminal desk, destroying whatever small electronics he was working on previously. The scrap was swept away with fury, paperwork, schematics and incredibly tiny screws scattered to the four corners of his office. He let out an exasperated roar that would have made his primal ancestors proud before collapsing in on himself, his head hitting the desk with a very audible thump.

The silence stretched out, broken only by Bile’s ragged breathing. It slowed, and finally a more calm, collected version of Bile sat back up.

“[Sorry about that.]”

“[No need.]” Brains said, waving her hand dismissively. “[I was about the same. I’m going to circle back with Blood after this, but I’m going to Bones next – this was all I needed to actually make the case to everyone on the council.]”

“[Right. Right… I guess… shit, I need to start preparing for a move.]” Bile said, looking around his room with a new purpose. “[What… how much space can we ship? No, digital goods will be the only thing we can take; we can barely fit everyone into our flotilla if we stood hip to hip-]”

Brains shrugged. “[I figure that’s more of a Blood question, but yes. We’d have to work quickly and move quickly, but we probably have some time. We’re still jamming all signals from their ship, correct?]”

“[Correct.]” Bile said almost instantaneously, pulling up said jammers on his implant as he stared into the middle distance. “[All systems nominal. Even if we broke their black box, we’d still have a few days, if not a couple weeks, before local syst- LOCAL SYSTEMS.]”

Bile physically leapt over his office chair in a way that would make Bill Gates proud, his momentum carrying him into the opposite wall before he could get his feet under him. “[QUANTUM BATTERY. WE PULLED SOMETHING WITH A QUANTUM BATTERY-]”

Mumble-screaming incoherently, Bile raced past his guest and into the workshop, hoping against hope that he wouldn’t be too late.

So, good news: The airlock worked. Nate pulled the correct fuse 100% of the time at least 5% of the time, and with so many components missing the door didn’t so much open as it relented, the servos holding the shutter door shut weakening enough to allow a soft hiss of air to escape from the interior. After a few minutes, enough air escaped to inflate the “airlock” on the other side of the door, equalizing the pressure. Through an OSHA-unapproved method of ziplock seals, he was able to shimmy himself into the other side of his plastic bag pouch – head first, of course – and into the great beyond.

The bad news: The great beyond, in this very specific instance, looked less majestic and more like the home of a basement-dwelling loser. Certainly, the rush of air out of the private quarters did mess some of the more delicate things up, but from what Nate could parse most of the “delicate” things in this room were trash. Some of it even looked like his trash – Candy wrappers, food boxes, definitely expired soda cans…

Nate looked around a bit more as his boots dug into the soft sand of the floor. There was a workbench of some sort, with some odd tools here and there. Nate could identify a personal terminal – Jornissian, if he had a guess (and there was a 33% chance he was right, so why not guess?) and what looked like… if he squinted, a shrine. Curiosity drove him forward, and he began to inspect the small figurines and bric-a-brak that lined the little multi-level table.

It was all humans. Humans in dozens of poses, some seemed to be so alive it looked like they could move, and some seemed to be clumsily – but lovingly – hand-carved.

“What the fuck…” Nate murmured as his suit’s sensor suite kicked on, an indicator rapidly alerting him to potential movement outside. Nate held the carved figurine in his hand as he looked around, attempting to figure out what to do – he hadn’t, unfortunately, thought this far ahead.

“[…-]” His suit so helpfully blasted on his internal helmet speakers, the gain being turned up automatically so that the background hiss of electricity passing through the mic was loud enough to hear. “[-reak! I know I look like one, alright?! But I’m tired of everyone just – just dumping on me. It’s why I’m out here, it’s why I do what I want. Leave me alone.]” a Jornissian-flagged voice said, exasperatedly.

“[Come on!]” another voice said, this one being flagged as Karnakian. “[I’ve been beaten to hell and back, the least I could do is get to see what-]”

“[No. No, I’m tired of it! Now that human stuff is valuable suddenly I’m useful?! Just… just go away, alright?! We weren’t friends before, we’re not friends now.]” Said the Jornissian-flagged voice.

“[I hope you choke on your empire of used garbage then, worm. Go back to your inbred backwater and die forgotten and alone – and save us from seeing your freak body!]”

There was a pause – one that lasted for a few minutes, and in those few minutes Nate’s mind raced furiously: He could attempt to escape… but that would take a long time, and he would be stuck ass-out in the airlock, which is not a position you want to be found by a step-brother – let alone a random stranger. He could force an escape, but the rapid de-pressurization could potentially kill him, would potentially kill his friends if they were nearby and there were no bulkheads to shut, and would definitely alert someone, somewhere that there was an intruder. He could fight, but… he didn’t bring any weapons; the portal looked so abandoned that he assumed he would drop into a decommissioned part of the rock and build his base properly in there.

As Nate stood there, lost in his own thoughts, the door on the other side opened to a crying Jornissian, holding himself in cold comfort. The two locked eyes, frozen in surprise at each other.

“[A…are… are you real?!]” The Jornissian said softly through a voice thick with emotion. “[Are you – did you hear my prayers for a friend?]”

Stk’shzsk reached forward slightly before pulling back, scratching his chest in a self-soothing gesture as he lowered himself to the ground. “[I… please be real. Please. Don’t take this dream from me.]”

And in that moment Nate made a decision that would change the lives of everyone. Fearlessly, with the hand-carved effigy clutched tightly in his fist, he strode with confidence over to his new friend. The Jornissian leaned back a bit, frozen with hope, as Nate gently rested a gloved hand on Stk’shzsk’s nose.

“I WILL KILL FOR YOU.” Nate hissed, through a frothing mouth, eyes wide with barely-contained insanity. “WHO HURT YOU? I WILL GIVE YOU THEIR BEATING HEARTS.”

Stk’shzsk smiled, daring to dream as he pressed his own finger, gently, on the top of Nate’s helmet.

“[Oh I wish I spoke human.]”

Categories
Stories They are Smol

They are Smol – Badguys, Boxes and Boops, Chapter 17: I’m *not* a degenerate!

The metal of the skid ground against the metal of the floor, and for a few moments Stk’shzsk considered cursing. He wouldn’t, of course, not in the presence of such an important haul – that would taint the purity of what he carried. Instead, he grumbled at the uneven flooring and slowly clicked the skid into reverse, walking it back from the divot in the floor. On his rented skid sat wide and top-heavy a pile of… well, crap, if we’re being honest. With love and care a made mattress lay flat on the bottom of the pile, with piled upon it flattened and wrinkled clothing, then food wrappers, then books and boxes and tables sandwiching chairs and bags of styrofoam and actual warmcuddle food that was both perishable and non-perishable and pillows and blankets and appliances an-

Stk’shzsk mentally stopped himself from going any further as he found himself wiggling in place at the sheer amount of warmcuddle paraphernalia. He knew it was going to be a big haul when he pulled out those balled up socks, but to see that they were actually shipping half-eaten food and used warmcuddle clothing, that was –

That was when he alerted Blood. There were wealthy …people who had certain tastes that would pay hefty GRC to get some “authentic warmcuddle merchandise. Stuff that couldn’t be, ah, replicated. NOT THAT HE WOULD KNOW, of course! Just that he knew of them, that’s all.

He wasn’t a deviant and did not support that lifestyle! Warmcuddles are for hugs not fuggs!

…but he’d sell to those people though. GRC is GRC, and all the better to take a deviant’s money. Once Blood was actually appraised on the situation, he personally stopped by to coordinate and to take the more expensive things out. Stk’shzsk made sure to negotiate a much higher pay as he was now not only salvaging but appraising, and Blood was… well. Agreeable. Surprisingly so, given that all Stk’shzsk negotiated away were the used goods, half of the electronics and the odd terminal that took out part of the floor with it. Apparently one of Bile’s subordinates realized that terminal was a Technology Thing(tm), and therefore needed to be stolen and scrapped for the greater good.

Stk’shzsk clicked the skid into the forward position, and angling the handlebar changed it’s direction around the divot in the floor. He mentally shrugged once the floor-divot-danger was gone: he had his rightful haul, and then some. Stk’shzsk knew better than to lie to one of the bosses – that’s how you get kicked out or killed – but he did ask for a significant “pay” raise. If he was a lesser man, the goods he hauled away would pay for a very comfortable life for him and his brother in a civilized world… but that would require selling them. And since he was not a lesser man, his trophies would stay with him for the rest of time.

With a squeaking, grinding noise he squeezed the brake on the handlebars, the machine slowly coming to a halt in the cramped corridor outside of his doors. Carefully, gently, he slid around his loot tower, making sure not to push too much of it off of the soft base mattress in the smaller space as he fiddled with his lock. His living quarters were a bit further away from the main hubs of activity, and Stk’shzsk didn’t mind living in the periphery. Sure, it was a bit of a grinding underscale to get to chow hall, or to go to his shift, or to participate in group activities, but he… didn’t want to. At least, he told himself he didn’t want to, and that was enough of that. He and his brother and a few other loners would settle in the outer rooms, and be left to their own peace, and it was… ok. Lonely, but OK.

Better than the alternative.

His lock cycled clear, and his door slowly slid open, revealing his pretty spartan yet relatively large living quarters; a sand bed, some electronic entertainment, atmo, power and water. Everything that wasn’t carved out of or into the rock he had cobbled together himself, and so had a makeshift kitchen, a serviceable restroom, and a shrine to the one thing that brought him joy: warmcuddles.

And oh, how that shrine would grow. He smiled, wide, in spite of himself, as he stood in the doorway before his skid, and began to unpack.

The Jornissian man paced in place while making his argument, arms swinging wide as he reached the deneumont. “<It’s the warmcuddle stuff. That’s what it was, and that explains so much!>” Blood said, tapping a pile of reports an inch thick. “<That’s what they were hiding, and it makes perfect sense! The ability to get your hands on these kind of goods means you have contacts either with real warmcuddles or with a government. Maybe even the warmcuddle government itself! The opportunity this brings us is massive!>”

Brains thought for a moment, taking a sip of hot tea. She wasn’t particularly thirsty, but buying this time did two things: One, it allowed her to put her thoughts into a more diplomatic order, and two, it also calmed down the man in front of her; without an immediate reaction his fiery stance turned into a flickering flame, and he settled back down in his seat. Passions were good for bed, but rarely discussion.

“<Sweet Heat, I think that’s a good idea, but think about the other side of this rock for a moment.>” Brains lowered her glass to her torso, gently turning the mug around in her hands as she spoke. “<Let’s say you’re correct; this crew has connections with a government, sure. Potentially contact even some warmcuddles as well – a few have to know there’s a market for their goods, and this might just be a private sale. This could entirely be on the level, and we could be talking to someone with some real nice connections, who likes to fly under the radar, who would be happy to make introductions, if given the right persuasions. Yes, I agree with you on all of this, but…>” Brains thought back to a certain captive Captain, and what she said in the private halls.

‘We wait.’

“<Come again?>” Blood said, tilting his head 90 degrees to the side to gain a new perspective.

“<It’s – nothing. Something someone said to me that’s rolling in my mind – the other side of this rock.>” Brains said, shaking the errant worry loose. “<What if these people are a front to a much larger organization than our own? We have defenses by suggestion and an armada by only the loosest definitions. Our army is anything but, and I can count on one hand the amount of times we’ve seen real combat. If we’re stealing food off of someone’s plate, I want to know that, especially if that someone doesn’t have to play by any rules.>”

Blood leaned back in his chair, letting his coils sink into the seat-pit below him. “<Hm. I hadn’t considered that. It would explain why they have such good weaponry; it’s not military grade but it’s damn near close.>”

Brains flicked the side of her cup with a finger, the metallic ring echoing in the office. “<Warmcuddles are a commodity, and they all know it. You ever heard the saying ‘a warmcuddle has five hustles-’>”

“<-’but needs help with six.’ Yes, I know, but the version I heard was jobs.>” Blood said, rolling his jaw. “<They are industrious, I take it.>”

“<Certainly they work, but the real saying is hustle, because they also know they’re rare. They’re so rare, the worst artist among their kind would still sell millions of GRC of art, just because there would be so little of it to go around. The worst of the worst of their kind would still live like comparative royalty out here, and since they had an unfortunate uplifting, they all hustle, as a way to make sure to have a safety net.>” Brains shrugged her hood as she too sank into the offered seat, taking another slow sip of her tea. She finished her drought, and held the cup up to her lips and continued to talk, steam rising into her mouth with every breath. “<They don’t really care who buys from them and who they buy from; but to stay compliant they publicly play by interstellar shipping rules. The truth is their governments won’t convict if you’re found to be a smuggler, especially if you share your neat new toys. If a hustle like this was discovered by the police, and they’re trading novelty for technology, it would mean the expulsion, excommunication, and probable trial and state-sanctioned assassinations of every one of the crew members; the senate and their coalitions need to send a message. Though… it’d just be community service and tax jail for the warmcuddle.>”

“<Really.>”

“<Mmm. The warmcuddle governments will raid their house, trot them on camera, show them behind bars… it’s all theater. I can respect that.>” Brains, in an uncharacteristically un-ladylike gesture uncoiled her tongue and let it rest in her tea, swirling the mixture before popping back into her mouth. “<If too many questions get asked, or real scrutiny is applied, they’d perform an execution once in a while to show that they really do mean business. Truth be told, an execution hasn’t happened in decades – if not a century or two; it’s just that the ones that were done were so uncomfortable to watch that the impact outweighed the actual event. For the most part, warmcuddles that smuggle tend to just disappear. I can only assume they’re disappeared to some island somewhere.>” Brains took another sip of her tea, before lowering it to her lap. “<If something unfortunate or unseen occurs, the warmcuddle government has got another entire interstellar supply network to pull from. It’s an open secret, and everyone’s surrounded by snow.>”

Blood frowned. “<That sounds like a dangerous game to play – but, it is warmcuddles we’re talking about->”

Brains made an “exactly” gesture with her shoulder. “<So the senate just grabs what it can, monitors what it can’t, and puts out fires in the meantime. As you so stated, there is one side of the rock; fortune, connections, fame, once-in-many-lifetimes experiences.>”

“<And then… on the other side of the rock.>” Blood continued, pointing his hand in thinking accusation at the reports on his desk. “<You have the end place of where these goods go, and the kind of people who could afford them and afford to arm the deliverymen who bring them are going to be incredibly powerful and important at best, or also incredibly dangerous and crazy at worst.>”

Brains made the exact same shoulder gesture, and Blood sighed. “<Ugh. Why did we have to swallow the sun?!>”

“<I don’t know. Maybe there are Gods out there after all, because this was a one in a billion, billion, billion chance that things would line up this way and we would have to rip apart their ship and get this far.>” Brains said, placing her mostly-empty cup on the table between them. “<Anyway. That’s why I suggest a full blackout on everything we learn; sure, word will get out anyway but I’d like as much lead time as possible to find out as much as possible.>”

“<I agree.>” Blood said without hesitation, pulling the reports down from the table onto his lap. “<To start with, I’m going to report values, but not itemize it – people look at how much they’re paid, not why. I’ll also have a zipper order on anything or anyone going in or out of the salvage bay.>”

“<That’s going to take a lot of personnel.>” Brains said with slight surprise as she got up, sliding out of her seat and towards the exit. “<You sure that won’t stoke a panic? Every one of yours would be pulling double-shifts…>”

“<Silent matter decay. Thermonomics – hell, boring old radiation. There’s a dozen things I can put here that will cause the lockdown, but it can’t last forever. Couple days at most, or else I have to justify not just packing up and moving if it’s so bad.>” Blood said, taking out a black marker and striking through sections of the paper before him. “<Give me a few hours and we’ll have an isolated crew. That’s all I can do for you, and I’ll have to let the other leads know, so… I can’t control how they react.>”

“<Thank you, Blood. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.>” Brains said, smiling. “<I’m actually off to break the news to Bones, and hopefully talk some sense into Bile.>”

“<And Back?>” Blood asked, sharpie marker already making lines through a new page. “<Figure she’ll just fall in line?>”

“<I figure with everyone shouting her down, she won’t go too militant in preparation for a shadow threat.>” Brains said, touching the interior lock of the door. The lock immediately reacted, the lens-shaped portal opening up in a fraction of a second. “<That’s all I can hope for, really.>”

“<Yeah – and, hah!>” Blood let out a single laugh as an absurd thought struck him.

“<What?>” Brains asked, coiling up outside the door.

“<Oh, just. Your billion billion comment got me thinking; there is a third side of a rock – the edge, the spot of the rock that is hidden as you flip it over, so sure you’ve seen everything.>” Blood said, grinning and working on his mountain of paperwork. “<And I had a thought that was so absurd->”

Brains shook her torso a bit in frustration. “<So what was it?>”

“<I just thought, ‘What if they were a taxi? Could you imagine?! Hah!>”

The door, sensing that there was no one in the portal itself, took that moment to shutter closed, the articulated and polished barrier cutting off conversation. The Jornissian outside stared at a mute, horrified reflection of herself, and wondered why she couldn’t scream.

Categories
Stories They are Smol

They are Smol – Badguys, Boxes and Boops, Chapter 16: Humaboo, I choose you!

Nate pondered as he looked at his computer terminal; It must be some form of macabre orchestra, when a crab or shrimp finally starts eating. Claws holding and turning, smaller mouth-claws and mandibles moving, gills and feeder filters whirring in automatic motion, ripping flesh and morsels from still-writhing krill or other unknown anthropods, the larger predator eating with a purpose and discarding everything that was useless. Discarding everything that was trash.

“I am trash. I am trash. I am trash.” Nate chanted his reaffirming mantra as he tapped the joystick, mimicking a short release of a personal pressurized can exploding. He watched the dozens of cranes, cutters, pincers and drills move with purpose, scanning parts of the larger ship before some unknown consensus was made, and as one they descended. Claws, holding and turning, smaller cutters and pincers moving to get a good angle and do their hard work, drills puncturing the flesh of The Perfect and pulling her apart, the asteroid feeding upon the ship with orchestrated and professional movements. Every so often some bit of the guts of The Perfect would be unique enough to pause the whole machine, and Nate could just feel that there was some hot debate happening between operators before the thing in question was moved to a pile over here, or dismantled further over there, or potentially even outright tossed into the recycling heap for a fiery liquidation.

“Traaaash trash trash trashtrashtrash-” Nate said as he let his emergency life raft start to spin, trying to get into the proper headspace to act convincingly like a lump of compressed garbage. He let the cameras auto-focus on the “dangerous” parts of space debris around him, letting the computer track each and every pip to make sure he didn’t run into anything unfortunate. He had theorized, after letting himself take the time to think over the problem, that there would be some form of exhaust venting on the asteroid – be it to vent a buildup of un-scrubbable toxic gasses, emergency atmospheric purging, or even foundry expulsion; with an operation this big, something should exist. If he could find one of those neglected exhaust ports and pick a particularly out-of-the-way one, he would be in business.

His computer had helped him craft the idea, plot a course and even figure out a likely landing spot. He had to lie to it, of course, as no sane engineer would let a life raft wedge itself into the exhaust port of an industrial furnace and call it “safe”, but… eh. He’d done crazier things, and this at least gave him some much-needed leverage:

They still wouldn’t know he existed.

He let the momentum from his last burst carry him forward for a few more moments before lining up his trajectory with his computer’s telemetry overlay, and letting out another burst of hot gas. A crane operator seemed to notice this and started to track his camouflaged raft for a few tense moments with a massive claw, before losing interest as he figured out the garbage’s trajectory would take it away from the station and into the interstellar void.

Too close for comfort. Nate left his hand off of the joystick and decided to float for a few hours. Strapped into the wall against the computer terminal, he started to flick through programs, pulling up the software to manage the incredibly limited fabricator that was on-board his spartan craft.

He had a miracle to make.

“[…so here we are. Please mind the… gun emplacement.]” Brains said half-heartedly, as Sassafras politely nodded her silent thanks and moved past the pirate barricade. The crew of The Perfect immediately perked up as they noticed their captain enter their vast and single prison cell, but the look on her face was … unreadable. Sassafras did not let her gaze rest on any one person, but instead scanned the room, noting who was present and who was not. Silently she made her way into the center of the group, and the crew, realizing something was amiss, parted ways for her and closed the gap behind her, seamlessly going back to professionally wasting time and generally pretending to act disinterested in their surroundings.

They weren’t fooling the pirates, of course, but the crew knew that the pirates knew, and the pirates knew that the crew knew that the pirates knew, so… detente. Again.

“[Ma’am.]” Licorice said, laying down around what seemed to be a pile of personal baggage. “[How was your interrogation?]”

Sassafras hummed appreciatively as her implant kicked on, crew information being streamed to her via an encrypted channel. “[Well. I see you’ve been busy.]”

“[Aye, ma’am; we’ve got limited communication and a private net, but that’s about it. The pirates think I’m hoarding either munitions or medical supplies, and I’m content to let them think that.]” Licorice replied, his arms buried in canvas bagging, the wiggle of his hands barely perceptible to any close observer. “[But there’s no long-range communication; the entire place is one lump of metal, so we’d need to string boosters in series for me to get any form of network up and running – and interstellar comms are a freezer-dream right now. What systems I can tap into I am, but this seems to have been either an unfinished, or abandoned part of their lair; it’s connected to power, water and atmo and that’s it. From what communications I can eavesdrop into and systems I can leap onto… We are dealing with a technical savant, and there’s no documentation. So…]”

“[So we get what we get.]” Sassafras mused, her own eyes unfocusing a bit as she dove into the stream of data her communications officer was sharing with everyone. “[Not bad, considering what we’re up against.]”

“[Yes’m. Orders?]” Licorice said, tapping an invisible microphone before digitally handing it to her.

Sassafras thought for a moment, before looking at the roll call list. “[Is Drongo present?]” She digitally asked the assembled crew, who did not discernibly react to the question now flooding their implants.

“[Negative. We are missing him, Tiki, Toko, and a couple others who are injured. As far as cargo; medical supplies and a few of our lucky charms, some personal effects, but that’s it.]” Licorice responded, making a log of the conversation for future review.

“[Well. You know I’m a very… straight-tailed kind of girl when it comes to it, and I don’t need a reaction out of anyone with the news I’m about to give you. Fair?]”

There were a few noncommittal noises coming from the crew, with many more responding digitally with a simple text “Y” or a pip marking “present”.

“[Good. They’ve cut The Perfect in half.]”

Sassafras paused as she waited for someone to disobey her orders, and to her crew’s credit, not a single person skipped a beat. Conversations continued, weapons were cleaned, insulting graffiti was carved into the nickel-iron rock walls, and the professionals continued to professionally kill time.

The pause between her previous line and her next was but a few seconds, but there was a shift, imperceptible to anyone who did not know her crew as well as she did: A back was too-tense here, some eyes were too sharp there. Some old worry-habits appeared, nails picking at teeth or feathers or fur before being tamped down under control.

“[It’s why I asked where Drongo was. He has all of our remaining crew, and if he’s not in this room, then they’ve probably kept his half of the ship powered and with atmo, meaning everyone is safe. Savvy?]” Sassafras said, and received another round of approving pips to her implant.

“[So what happens now?]” Licorice sub-vocalized to the chat room, asking the question that was on everyone’s mind.

“[We wait.]” Sassafras said, coiling up beside Licorice in her best ‘I’m relaxed but attentive’ posture. “[Our ship is scuttled, that’s for sure. So we wait and see what happens, who shows up, and how long that’ll take.]”

Licorice continued to work under the bags. “[If no one shows up, Ma’am?]”

“[We’ll know – I’ll put it that way. And if it comes to that, we go down swinging. If it doesn’t come to that… we go down swinging, but we don’t do anything until we know.]”

Sassafras began to hum to herself as, for apparently no reason at all, a dozen weapons were re-assembled at once by her crew.

You should speak to a deconstruction crew sometimes; you’d learn a thing or two on how ships were built, and how to build ships that would last. Managing massive machines that ripped apart an engineer’s hard work gave you a perspective into design and manufacturing that most people on the R&D floor missed. For example, talk to a ripper and you’d know that interior hallway walls were the “softest”, with floors and ceiling being a close second. The further you got towards the outside of the ship the stronger things became, until you had to use the cutter and drills and all sorts of other nifty tools just to pry apart panels.

This was how it normally worked, but for some reason this smuggler’s ship that Stk’shzsk was working on had a very thick, very reinforced room in the center of the ship. This required concentration and coordination, and of course Stk’shzsk did his best work when he sang. It was the blessing and the curse of having him operate arguably the heaviest non-ship machinery on the station; he was a savant that could pull a straw out of a drink carton with a claw the size of two city buses, but…

“[Super- Space, Team! Saving life day for all the wa-r-m-cudd-les~]” Stk’shzsk sang over the intercom as he peeled away the interior of the ship before him, aluminum-ceramic composite acting more like tin-foil under his massive mechanical claw.

His implant clicked on, desperation thick in the caller’s voice. “[Please stop singing that song~!]”

“[The answer, Grzdr, is always a No.]” Stk’shzsk proudly responded, doing a little loop in his zero-gravity control bell, the screens of faux-windows spread out around him in a full 360 view. “[It only gets better the more you repeat it, and you could learn a thing or three from such a wonderful and noble speci-]”

“[AAAAAAAA! Stk’shzsk I am never going to bow to you, you warmcuddle worshipper-]” Grzdr literally barked back out in reply, the Dorarizin’s cutter arm impotently menacing the much larger claw. “[Pleeeeeease just stop singing it! Or at least, stop singing it over open channels! I can’t thii-iink, saving the- AAAAAH~!]”

Stk’shzsk gripped a freshly-cut part of an interior wall with his gargantuan claw and tugged, freeing it from it’s former prison. “[Hmmmmmm letmethinkaboutthat- no.]”

“[Please, first pack, slit my throat right now and let me join you as a pup by your fireplace-]”

“[Now Grzdr, aren’t you being a little over-dramatic? It’s not like I’m broadcasting the episodes over short-band, though that’s a good idea for next sh-OH.]” Stk’shzsk fell silent as the interior of the reinforced room the duo had been working on for the past hour slowly bloomed out into space, the entirety of the crewperson’s life on display to the stars.

“[Stk’shzsk? I know that sound, that’s the sound of you about to steal something, so please let me know what it is so I can log it properly. Stk’shzsk? Stk’shzsk are you even listening to me-]”

“[That’s an authentic warmcuddle-tablet.]” Stk’shzsk breathed out, his hand moving to the control module bolted to the “ceiling” of his work pod, his gaze unmoving from the particular monitor that showed him his prize. He zoomed in his cameras, even going so far as to hijack a friendly drone to confirm his suspicions, the meshed-together frankenstinian robot cradling the precision-made electronic in it’s grippers gently. “[A-and there.] He whispered in almost eerie reference, his over-sized claw reaching with impossible delicacy and precision to grip a single piece of clothing. “[A pom.]”

“[A what?]” Grzdr said, confused. “[Is it food? Is it expensive?]”

“[Priceless. Utterly priceless.]” Stk’shzsk murmured, the hijacked drone taking the small fabric beanie cap from the massive oversized claw. There was a pause and heavy breathing over the microphone, before Grzdr’s cameras finally focused and he groaned.

“[It’s fabric. First, stop stealing my drones, and second, Toss it in the trash pile!]”

Stk’shzsk looked down at the blooming treasure field below him, and whispered “[No.]”

Grzdr sighed, his cutter arm waving around in circles. “[Alright. Alright. I knew it would be a problem working with you, but I didn’t think it would be this bad. Tell you what? Tell you what – I’ll look the other way for the next couple of hours and you can just take what you want, but when you’re done, you work. Got it?]” Grzdr growled, his cutter-arm jabbing accusingly in the direction of the much larger claw. “[And when you’re done collecting your worthless fabrics, I’m going to log this entire shift as salvage-in-lieu-of-shares, AKA no pay, and you get back to doing what makes us creds. Got it?]”

Stk’shzsk turned the cap over in his drone’s claws, the remote robot’s camera focusing on a floating t-shirt that had some form of human script on it. Stk’shzsk mused to himself for a while, noting that as he scanned the room there was more and more human paraphernalia along the walls, ceiling and floor. “[This person was of culture and high breeding. I feel… bad, doing this.]”

“[This. This is where you draw the line? On stealing a wad of fabric?!]” Grzdr howled, exasperation thick in his voice. “[Just… 2 Hours. 2 Hours to get what you want and put it aside, and then you work in silence. Understand?]”

Wordlessly, and much to Grzdr’s bemusement, the claw pulled away, and the drone dove into the breach.

And for the rest of the shift there was blissful, reverent silence.

Categories
Stories They are Smol

They are Smol – Badguys, Boxes and Boops, Chapter 15: Wildcards

The two Jornissians slithered down the corridor in almost total silence – the pirate crew and automatons moving out of their way in deference to Brain’s rank, and the only sound coming from the duo was their tread against the ground. It wasn’t an unkind silence, the type that some parents use as a bludgeon to naughty children; the silence was less anger and more shock. Brains let it stay this way for a few minutes; she too had lost ships, lost people, and your first catastrophic loss was always your hardest.

Much like losing your first love.

“<I know… your ship was important to you, soft sand.>” Brains said to Sassafras as they waited for an airlock to cycle. “<But there will be others. There can be others.>”

Sassafras stared forward into the middle distance as the interior airlock seal opened, silently moving into the cycling chamber. Brains sighed and joined her, making a point to gently and somewhat affectionately lay her tail over her captive’s. Sassafras tensed slightly at the touch, before relaxing.

Brains rumbled softly, in an almost half-purr. “<There… look, I’m really not supposed to say this; there’s a reason why I don’t do negotiations, I’m too soft-scaled about the whole thing, but. Your ship can be put back together; sure, it looks bad now but we haven’t really started to pull it apart for parts. It’s not too late to change your mind.>”

“<You-.>” Sassafras said, before catching herself, letting out a rumbling, exhausted sigh as she maintained her stone facade.

Brains smiled internally at the small bit of progress. “<I know how it is to rise from nothing and make something of yourself, dearest. You must have worked very, very hard to get to where you are, and to see that all taken away from you… it hurts. It’s shocking. I get it, really, I do. We exhausted all other ways to try to make our money back, to try to make it even, to try to have a fair deal->”

Sassafras snorted and said nothing as the exterior airlock cycled.

“<Be that as it may, we did try. You cannot say we didn’t give you every opportunity to cooperate with us->”

“<You don’t understand.>” Sassafras stated, matter-of-factly, as the airlock cycled and the door opened. The pirates on the other side first attempted to push through, but with a sharp look from one of their COs ended up parting, letting the pair pass in peace.

“<Then help me understand, Sassafras.>” Brains said, sliding infront of the once-and-future Captain. “<Help me to understand why you’re doing this, why you’re going against all reason.>”

The two women looked at each other, unblinking eyes to unblinking eyes, before Sassafras gathered herself. She thought, for a moment, staring obliquely away from Brains’ gaze, gathering her thoughts before responding.

“<What did you do before this?>” Sassafras asked, not meeting Brain’s gaze.

“<Well. I ran a small shipping group, started from a little retrofitted personal-use shuttle to what you see here. We were legit until the banks tried to skewer us, and I decided that the banks made their money back and then some off of us… it was either continue to pay them or pay my crew. One thing led to another and well…>” Brains smiled a bit, hood rounding out. “<You make a lot of money just by not paying taxes! Who knew?!>”

“<Have-…>” Sassafras false-started, before thinking for a few moments and meeing Brains’ gaze once more. “<When you were starting out, every single job was the most important job, I would assume. Retrofitting a shuttle, you probably bought that on credit at exorbitant personal cost to you. Taught yourself everything?>”

Brains nodded, her hood drooping as a sign of relaxation as she exhaled. “<Why yes, yes. You sound just like me a hundred years ago, sweet-reed.>”

“<And if you failed, your livelihood was taken from you. Back to planet-side poverty, right?>” Sassafras ventured, staring not unkindly at her captor.

“<It’s as if you read my book!>” Brains beamed, happy to have made such progress.

“<That is every job for me.>” Sassafras stated, features drawn into a slight frown. “<Every single missi- job, no matter what happens, must be a success.>”

Brains, for her credit, didn’t ask why. She knew she’d get no answer – at least, no answer that would make sense to her. Instead, she asked the correct question, the one that would keep her up through 3 straight shifts, the one that would have her in Bile and Blood and Back and Bones’ offices like the ever-present hum of cheap lighting.

“<What happens if you do fail?>” Brains asked, softly.

“<We wait.>” Sassafrass said, ending the conversation. The two Jornissians slithered down the corridor in almost total silence – except that the silence that was originally borne from shock had been replaced with one consumed with worry.

It was fascinating, how loud that silence could be.

There was a thunderous sound; the sound of screaming metal protesting, of reverberating explosions, of alarms and klaxons screaming to life for a brief moment before being automatically shut down. The Karnakian priest felt as if he was suddenly pushed off of a cliff – the feeling of inertia and breaking away, physically unsettling him for a few moments before reality re-asserted itself.

“[What in the vast, eggless, shit-filled cloaca was that?!]” The Karnakian roared, gripping the bandaged chest of his neighbor a bit too hard as he attempted to steady himself. “[If I’m going through sin-ice withdrawals again none of you dickless little shitstains better rifle through my bags! I will wake up! I’ll eat your face!]”

There was a pause as the hum of medical machinery gently protested the use of such language amongst the sick and hurting, and Toko suddenly remembered himself. “[Eer, I mean-]”

“[Honored b-brother Tr’ksr’loquii?]” The incredibly injured Karnakian faithful said, coughing painfully as Toko’s taloned arm dug into flesh. “[P-plea-]”

“[Oh! I’m sorry, my child.]” Toko smiled far too widely as he released the dupe’s chest, small pinpricks of fresh blood beginning to seep through the wound. “[You’re suffering from a concussion.]”

The injured karnakian pirate furrowed his muzzle. “[No I’m n-]”

Toko wound up and punched the infirm idiot square in the forehead with a meaty THWUMP, his now-limp body bouncing on the bed with nary a sound. Toko looked at the machinery that beeped happily at the sudden relaxation of it’s patient, and, after being satisfied that it wouldn’t snitch on him to Drongo, waved his hands over the boy in a vaguely priestly way – probably doing some blessing in some religion… somewhere. Satisfied with the performance of his priestly duties, he tapped at the soundproofed fabric cocoon, the privacy shield pulling away to reveal the rest of the quite-full infirmary in various stages of confusion and disarray. He looked left, then right, noticing he was the only ‘adult’ in the room.

Drongo, at some point, had left.

Ignoring the cries of the infirm, Toko quickly moved down the main corridor, stopping only to check on his sister’s wellbeing. She was fine – more than fine, she apparently slept through whatever the screaming hells just happened. Muttering under his breath Toko attempted to keep the peace among the recovering pirates as he moved to the main entrance doors; after checking to see that conditions outside his hermetically-sealed bay were all green he slid the door open. He was expecting a lot of things – fire, smoke, alarms, someone destroying Nate’s stuffed “Ayeteeff” trap, something.

What he wasn’t expecting was an argument.

“[-OF THE EMPTY-BRAINED TITLESS PACK-BROKEN IDIOTS THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA-]” Drongo roared at an incredibly placative female Dorarizin, her arms up in an almost universal pleading gesture of “please don’t hit me”. Toko looked around before fully exiting the medical bay, noting that both the emergency power lighting and the main lighting were on at the same time.

That wasn’t right.

The female Dorarizin attempted to placate Drongo, physically crouching down to appear less intimidating. “[Sir I understand your concern but we made sure that you and our guys wouldn’t be hurt – we ran the numbers, and-]”

Drongo violently massaged the air between them with his claws, aggressively sinking them into invisible prey again and again. “[AND IF I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SURGERY!?]”

“[-Sir please I’m going to have to ask you to calm down you’re being emotional-]” said the Dorarizin-with-a-death-wish, and Toko’s body suddenly cut between the two as he wrapped his arms around his colleague and friend. It’s not that he didn’t want to see further bloodshed – it’s that there were more important things to keep in mind.

“[Drongo! Drongo. Look at me, look at me buddy.]” Toko cooed to his friend, as Drongo stared at him with wild, wide eyes. “[Let’s just take it easy for a few minutes, alright? You’ve got a more important thing to worry about – how are your patients?]” Toko said with a leading lilt to his voice, hoping the incensed doctor would get the hint.

There were a few brief seconds of heavy, calming breathing, before Drongo leaned back out of the hug. “[Right. You talk to this – person –]” Drongo spat, “[- while I go check on our patients. Especially my problem one.]”

Toko patted Drongo on the shoulders before letting go, the doctor giving the female Dorarizin behind Toko a withering look before turning on his heel and walking back into the medbay. Toko sighed a two-toned whistle before looking at the pirate. “[Child, far be it from me to tell you how to live your life, but if you lead with ‘calm down you’re being emotional’ you are going to be killed one day.]”

“[Yeah… he’s cute when he’s angry, though.]” She replied, smiling cheekily. “[So you’ll calm him down?]”

Toko sighed internally and put on his best ‘pious’ face. “[Yes, my child. But do tell me – I was giving succor to a wayward soul when it felt like the cosmos itself split and I was tossed into the void. What happened?]”

“[Oh, uhm.]” The female stood back up, doing her best to reassert confidence and order. “[We’ve started the salvage of your ship.]”

Toko closed his eyes as the weight of that news hit him, and leaned heavily on his years of training to not betray a single emotion. He chuckled, slightly, dipping his head. “[Well, not my ship – no personal possessions, but. Why have you done such a thing?]”

“[We need the creds, priest.]” The female said, matter-of-factly. “[I’m too low on this pecking order to tell you the intricacies of it, but. I’m here to make sure you feel safe-]”

I’m here to put you down if you do something stupid and desperate’ Toko mentally translated, nodding his head as he followed along.

“[-which you are, of course. Especially the good doctor.]” She smiled, attempting to look the better part of a dashing rogue. “[So, don’t worry – when we’re done with that half, we’ll evacuate you to the life rafts and work on this one. You’ll probably be dropped off in a shipping lane, and that’ll be that.]”

Toko inhaled to respond with a polite non-answer, but he saw the attention of his pirate minder shift – her eyes moved to something in the middle distance behind him – and so Toko turned around.

“[Father Priest, a word with you.]” Drongo said, an incredibly thick veneer of professionalism coating every syllable.

Concerningly professional.

“[One moment, child.]” Toko said, excusing himself as he walked over to his colleague. Drongo stepped out of the way and let Toko through, motioning to Tiki’s bedside. The two of them huddled there for a moment as Drongo sent a silent command, a privacy screen rolling down from the ceiling and melding with the floor. Toko leaned over his sister, adopting the stance of an older brother, while Drongo began taking vitals.

The privacy screen may have muffled sight and sound, but at the end of the day it was just cloth. Better to look convincing than not.

“[What’s the problem?]” Toko said, holding his unconscious sister’s hand.

“[My intensive care patient isn’t there.]” Drongo said, doing his best to keep his voice level. “[I couldn’t find him.]”

Toko took a steadying breath, rubbing the back of Tiki’s hand. “[You’re certain? He didn’t just crawl into somewhere small and hold fast?]”

“[None of the snacks have been eaten.]”

“[All-light damn it.]” Toko growled. “[Do you have an idea?]”

Drongo fiddled with some dials on the auto-doc; he took the few moments of agonizing silence to put his thoughts into words. “[He may have… done the panel trick. To. Well, we know his quarters are reinforced…]”

Drongo let his unfinished statement hang in the air, as if on the small hope that by letting it remain unstated, it wouldn’t have come to pass. But there was no need to finish the statement – the point he made was obvious. Nate, trying to flee to the point of most safety, was in the fore part of the ship.

The part of the ship that was cut free. The part of the ship that’s uninhabitable. The part of the ship that’s dead.

Toko’s mouth was unreasonably dry, and he swallowed hard as he attempted to find a place for his tongue to rest in a jaw somehow too small. “[So.]”

“[So.]” Repeated Drongo, as silence settled in around the edges of the conversation.

“[A prudent suggestion, then.]” Toko slowly worked out, staring hard at his sister. “[We get her able to move and work again, we reunite with our crew, we go from there.]”

“[I agree.]”

“[No sense blowing cover when we’ve got no intel. Just go through the motions, and we’ll… we’ll make it.]”

Drongo let out a mirthless laugh – a harsh, biting bark, before patting the sick bed’s railing. “[Yeah. Let’s not spread the word until… until we know. He may have just lost his appetite, you know?]”

For the first time during this charade, Toko attempted to give honest comfort. “[You’re right – He could just be asleep.]” Toko lied, smiling.

Neither of them bought it.

WE HAVE BROKEN FREE OF 7 OF 9 MOORINGS.

“Yes, THANK YOU, Computer!” Growled Nate as he crawled along the wall, the sudden force of being flung free pressing him firmly against his new floor. The camera feeds he was idly flipping through had suddenly cut down to just externals, and then he was full-on yeeted to the back corner as gravity – or it’s drunken cousin, inertia – took hold. With a mighty heave, he pulled himself up along the flush cabinetry, slowly making his way back to the terminal.

“ANALYSIS SUGGESTS WE ARE NO LONGER ATTACHED TO HOST SHIP.” The friendly and very useful computer happily beeped, flashing a few indicator lights on an upside-down screen that Nate couldn’t read. “RECOMMEND TAKING ACTION.”

“I am going to beat the shit out of whatever engineer programmed that thing.” Nate grunted, crawling the few more inches towards the closest tether. He wrapped his arm around the kevlar belt and used it as a pivot point, slowly and agonizingly rotating his body until he was hovering over his control terminal.

Hover was a …strongword. The intertial momentum was pressing down on his body with the force of a couple G’s, so he was less hovering over the terminal and more pressing against it with almost jovian weight. His hand wedged down between his stomach and the screen, and he fumbled for a joystick that he could not see.

No, not that joystick. He laughed triumphantly when he finally gripped it, and with a light toggle internal gyro mechanisms began to let out believable gouts of steam and atmo to the outside universe.

It took a few minutes, but multiple G’s became a couple, became one, became half of one, became less. Flipping on the external cameras, Nate began to cycle through various viewpoints.

What he saw wasn’t pretty.

Jesus.” Nate whistled, as he watched the front half of his ship slowly arc down, being pulled by cables as thick as a semi. “They went big.” He braced himself, waiting for a similar cable – or something – to clamp onto his life raft. As the moments went by and he just floated there with the rest of the unmoored bric-a-brack, that likelihood went down.

“Right, well. They’re not onto me, at least, so that’s bought me some time. Let’s see.”

Nate cycled through feeds – dozens of cameras sent him data in the full EM spectrum as he gathered information. He was in a docking bay – an asteroid, a large one, at least a few kilometers across. There was nothing outside, no patrols, no other ships. Drones, sure, but they looked… inefficient. They were hovering at a distance, almost as if they were waiting for manual input. The “ceiling” – Nate decided any overhang on this rock now counted as a ceiling – of the docking bay had dozens of cranes, cutters, pincers and drills, with slack pneumatic umbilicals floating freely.

“It’s a chop shop. Well shit.” Nate laughed, crossing his arms. “They were never after me; they’re selling her for parts!

Nate smiled for a moment as relief washed over him. He wasn’t going to be killed, he wasn’t going to be ransomed or enslaved or abused… he was alright. Hell, they probably didn’t even know he was there. That joy lasted for a few moments before reality creeped back in, and the magnitude of the problem presented itself.

There would be no escape.

There would be no rescue.

His friends were on that rock. Somewhere.

“Somewhere… I wonder if their asteroid has external vents…” Nate mused, as he started to cycle through camera feeds with a new purpose.