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Stories They are Smol Oneshot

They are Smol – and Tenured! 1 Year Anniversary Smolsmas Special!

A/N: URAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Smol is now ONE YEAR OLD! Can you believe it? I habeeb it. A few excited reddit posts on /HFY/ turned into suggestions for a Patreon, and that spawned a Discord which now has a Twitter/Pinterest/Instagram/Youtube – and then we’ve got a Minecraft server in the mix as well –

Smols are growing stronger

And to celebrate, yes, there’s your weekly dose of shitposting, but also we’re doing server events, movie marathons, minecraft battle royales to the death, apotheosis – all sorts of fun things! It’s incredible, incredibly fun, and would be incredibly awesome if you come join us.

But, as we all know, not all… events, even if they’re planned well go well. Sometimes, even the best of intentions go awry in ways no one could have speculated, leading to unintentional consequences.

And of course, no one knows this better than the people on Zephyr Station 8.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Zephyr Station 8, Now:

I’LL KILL HIM! I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL KILL HIM-

Glenn “Silk” Abramson was being held back – just barely – by Jonathan and a majority of the assembled crowd, as Mike crouched to defend his young charge.

“Glenn – Glenn-”

NO. HE’S GONE TOO FAR – HE PLANNED THIS – CONSEQUENCES CAN NEVER BE THE SAME-

– – – – –

Zephyr Station 8, a day earlier:

“[Director?]”

“Hmm?” Glenn murmured, sipping his “World’s 18th Best Zephyr Station Manager but Galaxy’s Best Absentee Father” mug, which was mostly text and also stolen.

“[I checked the calendar before approaching you-]” Rgrezneh-of-Hrzgaren said, looking around with a curious expression. “[-there’s no holiday today, is there?]”

“Ah, no.” Glenn said, motioning with his mug’d hand to the carnival being erected before them both. As supervisor it was his job to supervise and not do any actual work, so he was able to give Rgrezneh the whole story. “We’re celebrating an entire 604,800 seconds of being an accident-free workplace!”

Glenn shotgunned his “coffee” before tossing the ‘rented’ mug into the roomba cave – they would know what to do – and continued before Rgrezneh could do the mental math. “So, we decided to bring up some of earth’s flora and fauna for a bit of a petting zoo/western country fair carnival in celebration. We’ll have various booth games to win prizes, some very very unhealthy food, and possibly even a couple animal races if – oh for fuck’s sake. MIKE!

Rgrezneh turned to see what drew Glenn’s ire, and noticed nothing out of the ordinary; There were a few compressed wood booths, her on-again-off-again-on-again boyfriend Mike, and he was seeming to fuss with an exosuit that was very obviously not designed for the quadrupedal animal he was attempting to put it on. She sighed in that “he’s stupid but cute” way, and followed the now incresingly-irate Station director over to see what was going on.

“Mike what the fuck are you doing?”

Mike, for his part, crouched and hugged the small pony defensively. “His name is Thimble and I love him.”

“Look, just… why is he in an exosuit? And are those… those are four left boots-”

“They’re all spares it’s ok!”

“Mike. What. Are. You. Doing.”

Mike scrunched up his nose before sighing, patting Thimble on his back. “I figured that this absolutely excellent pony that can never do anything wrong ever would enjoy a spacewalk.”

Glenn growled something subvocally into his commbead, pulling out his tablet and signing into it with his thumbprint. “Firstly, I know this has to qualify for animal abuse somewhere. Somehow.”

“No it’s not, Thimble likes it! Don’t you, Thimble?”

The horse just stared ahead, long since desensitized to the humans’ … eccentricities.

“See? Absolutely rarin’ to go!”

“First, Mike, no. Secondly, that’s a suit for humans and not horses-”

“The tolerances work-”

“Thirdly, no. Fourthly, Thimble is apparently a registered weapon in 4 territories. I’m looking at his record -”

“Those territories are anti-horse!”

“-14 broken kneecaps, 27 crushed feet, 4 children headbutted off of a spinning carousel-”

“Then a spacewalk will help him become a better person! Won’t it, thimbuuu~” Mike cooed, running his fingers through the apparently criminal horses’ mane. Rgrezneh frowned slightly as she stared at the smaller, weaker obviously prey animal, watching as it just stared… vacantly off into space.

“[Mike, why… are you attracted to this thing?]”

“Because when we got the animals off the elevator Thimble came right up to me and nuzzled me and we have a connection-”

“It’s called ‘you keep unwrapped granola bars in your pocket, dipshit.” Jessica so helpfully interjected, pointedly ignoring the spectacle as she carried a crate past the group. “If I carried jerky in my pockets the dogs would probably have loved me too.”

“Dogs love everyone because they’re notorious headpat sluts.” Mike replied, turning his nose up at the colonial. “This is a well-known fact, and proves that my bond with Thimble is pure.”

“I just. No. Mike, no-”

“You’re just jealous.”

“I absolutely am not.” Glenn stated with an extreme matter-of-fact tone, attempting to quash what he could feel would be another… incident. “And regardless, why are you bonding with this pony anyway? We’re just gonna be shipping it back down to earth in a few days-”

“NO. We have a bond and are gonna play games together and have a great time-”

“[Ah.]” Rgrezneh said noncommittally, as she finally connected the dots. She smiled softly as the two humans continued to argue, nodding to herself.

Of course the conclusion she drew was wrong, but that made no difference – and before she could interject her extremely incorrect opinion into the argument, Mike finally pushed Glenn over the edge.

“You’re just jealous because Thimble and I are gonna have a great time, win more games than you, and be the best-of-fair!”

“I could pair up with a fucking ant and kick your ass, Mike! I’m sick of your shit, and this is the last time I’m gonna-”

Then do it

“What?” Glenn said, inhaling sharply as the last few moments of traded insults came back to him

DO it. Just – Just DO IT.” Mike said, pointedly pressing his scrunched fingers into his free palm. “Don’t let your means be dreams!”

“………”

Glenn looked up at Mike’s girlfriend for some guidance. “Can you just… do something?”

“[Mike, do you want pups?]”

The two men physically recoiled at the abrupt question, Mike stuttering for a moment while hugging Thimble for emotional support. “Wh-what?! N-no! I mean, yes, eventually, but like, no! I want an adventure! And this is just gonna be the horse-human buddy-cop adventure that we need!”

Glenn stared at the slightly-smug Dorarizin as she confidently defended the absolutely wrong conclusion, and then at Mike, who was not only aggressively defending the pony, but was threatening to literally horse around, and came to a conclusion.

“Fine.”

“What?”

“[What?]”

“Get me an ant colony – sugar ants, black ants, whatever. Setup is finished tomorrow, so we should have something by then – hell, pests come up all the time with food supplies – and let’s do it. And when I beat you-Glenn said, rounding on Mike again, “You are going to finally act like an adult or you’re fired.

“Oooooh…” Mike said, softly. “The hero meets his arch nemesis on his journey-”

“Goddamnit, Mike.”

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Zephyr Station 8, a couple hours ago:

All in all, the first-ever “We made it 604,800 seconds without something going wrong!” Carnival and Fun Faire(tm) was going off without a hitch. There was skee-ball, dart-tossing, that water-gun target shooting thing, some bunny races and the like, all set up within Zephyr Ballroom 12-J. A few coworkers who practiced magic as a hobby stepped up to do wandering entertainment, the galley was pumping out absolutely terrible-for-you food, and everyone seemed to be having a good time.

So good a time, in fact, that they either didn’t notice or didn’t care that their station director was standing in the middle of the faire with a jar full of ants.

“Where the fuck is that little asshole.”

Glenn turned, this way and that, until he finally spotted a still-exo-suited person jogging towards him, carrying under his arm-

“Oh God Damnit, Mike!”

“No! We saw the stars and bonded! He was super energetic and we did a spacewalk and repairs on the solar panels and everything! And our bond is now strong enough to defeat you-”

“Firstly, fuck you. Secondly, Anime is a disease-”

“But you obviously watch enough anime to know that’s a trop-”

Thirdly, did you just… jam a human helmet on the poor thing? It’s totally fogged up-”

“Well duh, we didn’t cover defogging in Thimble’s training.” Mike said, rolling his eyes. “That’s silly. He still worked the MMU unit just fine for a rookie though!”

“I… I’m not. Just. Fuck you. Three games and that’s it.” Glenn said, shaking his jar of ants. “Then I hit you with this and we file for your transfer.”

Mike put down Thimble who wobbled just a bit on his 4-left-booted hooves and struck a pose. “You cannot defeat-”

“I am going to dock your pay-”

“Fuck fine.” Mike murmured, quickly looking around. “Uh. How about that ball game over there?” Mike said, pointing towards the ‘knock down these pins and win a prize’ booth. Without a second glance Glenn walked over to the booth, standing in line with his jar of ants that still raised no eyebrows. Mike and Thimble joined him a few moments later, the horse basically needing to be dragged over to wait in line.

“Step right up, step – oh hey Glenn! What’s… with that look?”

Wordlessly, Glenn placed his jar of ants on the counter. “Three balls, please.”

Mike stood next to Glenn, Thimble’s head bonking into the underside of the table.

“This is… this is a thing, isn’t it?” The carnival game operator said flatly, crossing his arms.

“Yes”

“Yes”

“Ah.. Alright. Just. Don’t fuck things up too badly, we’re only halfway through the day.”

Three balls were placed before the two groups of contestants – nay, warriors.

“So what rules are you two… gentlemen playing with?”

“Thimble and I are proving that the bond of friendship and true camaraderie can defeat any foe-”

“Fuck if I know.” Glenn interrupted, shrugging. “One ball for us, One ball for the critter, One ball as a duo?”

Mike nodded, clenching his fist to his chest. “Good. Your heart burns with the same fire-”

Wordlessly – and indeed, without even breaking eye contact with Mike, Glenn picked up a ball and winged it at the pyramid of bottles. There was a satisfying clunk, and a few of the top and core bottles scattered behind the wall.

“Your go.”

Mike, not to be outdone because his heart burns with a fiery passion, mimicked Glenn almost bottle-for-bottle.

“N-now the … animals?” The carnival booth operator said, curiously. “I don’t even know how that’d work, to be honest.”

“It doesn’t.” Glenn said, rolling his second ball to the ground.

“So you admit defeat!” Mike grinned, standing triumphant. “Truly, the heart of this noble steed will burn just as bri-”

Wordlessly – and indeed, without even breaking eye contact with Mike, Glenn unscrewed his bottle of ants, revealing a shaker top. Like some perverted seasoning he shook out a couple onto the tabletop, grabbed the ball, and slammed it onto a group of the hapless insects. He winged it at what was left of the pyramid of bottles, another satisfying clunk denoting a few more bottles struck.

“Your move.”

“Come on, Thimble! SHOW US YOUR MIGHTY HOOVES!” Mike crowed, drawing a little bit of unnecessary attention as he placed the ball on the ground… infront of the booth. “GO! KICK!”

Thimble did nothing but stare blankly ahead – well, we couldn’t even tell that, what with his visor still frosted over.

“Um, I’m going to count that as a ground ball.” The operator said, leaning over. “And I don’t think… it’s interested in doing anything other than being pet and fed – aren’t you, hon?” The carnie said, patting the horse’s head gently through the suit. “Um. So just to move the line forward a bit – how do you plan on doing a duo with this pony?”

“I… uh. Hm.”

“One for me.” Glenn said, picking up his jar. “Skeeball next.”

Mike swallowed, hard.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The only concern Glenn had was that his supply of ants was running low. The operator of the Skee-ball booth just stepped away when the two of them showed up – one carrying a jar of ants and the other dragging a pony in a full exosuit who apparently really didn’t want to be there, so the two of them were able to make up the rules on the spot.

Each ball was to be a team effort, if teamwork was meant to prove love and friendship could yadda yadda. Glenn just kept smashing ants and scoring points on a pure technicality, while Mike was doing his best to encourage Thimble to help, just a little.

Thimble, for his part, slumped forward, nosing a single ball slightly up before it came down and bonked him on the helmet.

“Look, Mike. Maybe… I was being too hard on you, saying you’d get fired, but I’m definitely sick of your shit.” Glenn said, rolling another ant-covered ball to raise his score up to 115. “All I’m saying is, you have to be better if you’re in a position of power-”

“I will never join the dark brotherhood! My power is noble and pure-”

“G- just. Ok. It’s 115 to 0. I’m out of balls. What say you? Done? This is 2-0.”

Mike looked at Glenn, that fire still in his eyes. “No! SUPER FINAL BONUS ROUND-”

“Fuck.” Glenn sighed. “Ok. We do this SUPER FINAL BONUS ROUND-” he said, mockingly, “-and then you go planetside for heavy training. At least 3 months. I don’t know how you got past all the screeners to get this position, but we’re gonna make sure you can actually do your damn job. What’s the bonus round-”

A race.”

Fuck.” Glenn said, as Mike grinned widely. “And it has to be a team race… and this?” Mike patted Thimble’s back as the animal slowly began to lean into his human captor. “This is my trusty steed.”

“Fine. Honestly, I don’t give a damn anymore, you’re still doing training-”

“Not if I win the SUPER FINAL-”

“No. Fuck that, fuck you. Where we racing to?”

“Uhh… uhh… Funnel cake stand!” Mike said, pointing to the food stall about 100 feet away. “On the count of three!”

“Fine. One?”

“Two.” Mike said, leading Thimble to turn around and mounting him, settling down to ride no-saddle.

“Three!”

Glenn darted forward, jar of ants held high above his head, as he sprinted for dear life. He had no idea how fast a miniature horse/garganutan pony could run, all he knew was horses > humans when it came to fast. With a passing apology here and a grunt from a collision there, he weaved in and out of the foot traffic – some parting to make way for him, others oblivious to the speeding madman until he was upon him. Panting and nearly out of breath from the sudden sprint he skidded to a stop, slamming the jar down on the countertop – terrorizing the patrons, smashing the glass and giving the ants a worthy death as they burned in sugar and pastry.

“FIRST!”

“Fuck’s SAKE.” Jonathan said, arms up in reaction as shattered glass and ants were scattered around his food stall. “What the ABSOLUTE FUCK, Glenn?!”

“I beat him!”

“Beat whom’st’d’ve? Jon said, waving his spatula about. “If you’re talking about everyone in line for a churrocake, then yeah, sure, but what the fuck-”

“What do you mean, whom’st’d’ve?! Mike!”

“Mike? He’s – What? Which Mike?”

“Th- the one on the horse!”

Jonathan just stared flatly at his clearly-insane director. “Dude. There’s no one else here.”

“What?”

Glenn spun on his heel and saw… nothing. A parted crowd, a few dirty looks, but no other racer. He wandered back to the skeeball booth – slowly at first, as if he was expecting an ambush, but soon with a light jog as he noticed something concerning.

Mike was cradling an entirely limp Thimble.

“WHYYYYYYY~! I BROKE MY BEST FRIENNNDD~”

A crowd had gathered – with a few familiar faces, thankfully, and a few people were doing their best to pull Mike away from the distressed animal.

“Jessica what’s going on?”

“I have no fucking clue, man. One minute I’m chugging down my 12th greaseburger and the next Mike’s over here cryin’ loud enough to wake the dead.”

“I KILLED HIII-”

“We KNOW Mike, fuck.” Jess murmured, rolling the horse onto it’s back. The movement jiggled it’s helmet slightly, and Jess stuck a finger into the gap.

There was a pause as everyone assembled put two and two together.

“Mike… did you take this animal out into hard vacuum with an improper seal?”

“Iiiiiii…. Wait what? I didn’t crush him because I’m now suddenly thicc?” Mike said, his tears drying up surprisingly quick. Jess frowned and twisted the helmet, three of the other four seals clicking to an unlock position. With a slow, careful movement she pulled the helmet up to finally expose Thimble to fresh air.

The horse – well, ex horse, was exposed to the world, a scream of terror frozen on it’s face.

“You fucking… idiot.” Jessica said, glaring at the fucking leaf. “You pulled this pony out from it’s stable to die screaming in the void!”

“I… I thought he was just awestruck by the majesty of the universe and realized his place in it, and that epiphany was what caused him to stop moving.”

Everyone in the crowd shared a look with each other – you know the type, the look that says ‘he’s honest, but goddamn is he an idiot.’ And in this case, yes. It was true. Mike was an idiot.

Glenn sighed as he felt his moral lecture gland tingle.

“Mike-”

“I just didn’t-”

“Mike.”

There was a moment of silence, and Glenn continued. “First, we’re going to take the horse to medical – maybe we can revive it, maybe not. Either way, it’ll be useful for our boys to practice a hard-vacuum recovery. Secondly, Mike, this is why I’m so hard on you. When will you learn? When will you learn – that your actions have consequences? We clean up your messes most of the time, and most of the time you’re a good enough guy that we don’t mind doing it, but it’s tiring.”

Glenn knelt, placing a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Look. You’re in management, people are going to look up to you. You’re in power, you have to start making the right calls. You and Sheila are thinking of kids-” Mike leaned back at that, but Glenn kept his grip firm. “-or at least, she is, and you yourself said you want to be a dad someday. What if this was your kid, dude? You need to start acting like the adult you are.”

There was some silence then, as Mike stared at the frozen stiff pony. There was some hard mental work going on; firing of synapses, connections being created and destroyed, and Mike’s entire face took on another look entirely. With stone cold eyes, he looked at his friend, and deadpanningly asked him a single question:








“If Thimble wasn’t alive this entire time, does that mean you were beating a dead horse?”

Categories
Stories They are Smol

They are Smol – and it’s a Smol World: Chapter 10

A/N: Sorry about the delay – both from last week and tonight – but the major drama in my life is over, and we should be returning to normalcy. ILU all. <3

The layout of the Silver City Human district made a tremendous amount of sense, if you were the type of paranoid asshole who believed that everyone was out to get you. To the other species – all of whom had never seen human architecture up close or in person, there was nothing amiss; The partition wall was there for everyone’s safety and to stop people from wandering in and out, the mixed markets had plenty of relaxation pods, 24/7 food courts, mixed-species seating and entertainment, with creeping vines and flower arrangements sprouting out of the walls themselves!

Only a paranoid – nay, delusional sapient would notice how each building’s corners and cafe-facing walls were structurally reinforced, and how each flower arrangement could be popped out – the hole being a little larger than a machine gun’s barrel… and how those holes would allow for overlapping fields of fire. No alien looked at the shared-species plazas of the human sector and thought that they were in danger; if anything, the layout was kind of quaint.

It was the anti-aircraft missile batteries tastefully disguised as water fountains that tipped everyone off and drove away business for the first few weeks, but those were eventually removed and replaced at the city planner’s behest with the “4D Hologram Light Show Projector and Not an Underground Missile Silo” installations.

Therefore, as the misfit band of adventurers made their way down from the landing pad, they had to pass through multiple checkpoints, discrete scanning stations, a few winding corridors (blamed on the ongoing construction, you understand) and one section that Luciana was certain was based on that pre-contact “Legends of the Hidden Temple” show. What would normally and naturally have taken roughly 10 minutes of walking stretched out to roughly 45 minutes, so by the time the 6 sapients emerged from an official checkpoint hole-in-the-wall the sun sat low and fat on the horizon. What little natural orange light could be seen was washed away by the harsh, artificial blue light of the city tinging it to some unnatural shade altogether.

However, Isabella – sorry, Abuela, did not care one whit about the harsh light pollution or the extreme architecture of the city that surrounded her new home; skyscrapers lifting literal miles into the sky did not make her bat an eye. Abuela, for all intents and purposes, was on a very simple mission – albeit one that grandmothers and mothers had embarked on since time immemorial. 

Luciana, her beautiful, smart, wonderful, kind, sweet and a couple-dozen other adjectives aside granddaughter was painfully single. This means no great-grandbabies, and this simply will not do – and the obvious solution was to have the older, wiser women of the family help her make some of the appropriate introductions.

“Is there a place around here to get coffee? A cafe, maybe?” Abuela asked utterly innocently, stopping her shuffling gait on the alien sidewalk.

“[I think there’s a [Human]-approved cafe about 5KM away from here – would that work?]” Wiggles asked, pointedly keeping her body ramrod-stiff.

“Beh! No moving sidewalks, no transportation – no! My feet are beginning to swell anyway- is there something closer?”

“Um, I think… that’s a cafe of some sort!” Luciana exclaimed, pointing with her thumb at a corner store not a couple-dozen yards away. “Maybe we go there? I mean, they’re all sitting outside, and it looks…comfy enough.”

“[Oh, uh. That’s a primarily [Jornissian] establishment, [Luciana].]” Persimmon said, arcing his body over to hover near her head. “[Although we can’t legally stop you, I don’t recommend you go there. They may not have approved refreshments, and we would have to test-]”

“Fah!” Abuela exclaimed, reaching out to loop each arm with that of her progeny. “What’s the use of living this long if you don’t try to get into a little bit of danger now and then! Besides, with it being this close, they’ve probably served humans before.”

And so, arm-in-arm, the three humans began a slow walk towards the cafe.

“”

“shut up right now->”

“recording them you dull-scaled idiot->”

“<No->”

To say that the warmcuddles were causing a bit of a stir at The Comfy Coil was a bit of a misnomer. True, most of the Jornissians at the establishment had seen humans before, and to still be allowed to work this close to their settlement had to take some form of cultural enrichment training – their mannerisms, physiology and the like weren’t totally unknown to the patrons. There was certain surprise when the youngest warmcuddle motioned to their establishment, and some shock when they started to make their way over. Wobbly gait, unsteady spine, all these things and more were adorable.

However, all of them looping arms and crossing the street together was totally unnecessary.

“TOGETHER->”

crush you if you keep yelling->”

“”

The Comfy Coil – not it’s real name, mind you, but the name closest-enough translated – was a galactic concept made regional; You could go in after a long, tiring day, get some hot food and a nice pick-me-up drink, and if you so choose to find a booth or a divot for a power nap. This place, and places like it, basically ran themselves. This was fine when you were dealing with exhausted patrons and the occasional couple on a date, but was woefully inadequate when dealing with…

…well. Whatever this was going to turn out to be.

“<PATRONS!>” Rssesnsen thundered, using her outside voice as loudly as she dared. “”

A few of the Jornissians shrunk back into their seats somewhat chastised, and a few just… continued. With a sigh Rssensen reached under the counter and clicked off a few buttons – the heated pads of a few choice patrons began to cool, rapidly.

The Comfy Coil did have a few non-verbal ways to get straggling customers out of the shop – closing time is sacred in retail, no matter the species. With a few chilly bellies the last of the belligerents were calmed down, and the heat was turned back on – literally, not figuratively. Rssesnsen dared to look out the patio to the group approaching her, and an almost manic smile spread across her features.

This should be illegal, she thought, as she checked to make sure the shop’s security cameras were recording everything. On the monitor, slowly approaching, were three Warmcuddles with their arms looped around each other – for safety? A cultural thing? She did not know – and neither did the almost writhing with unbridled joy Jornissian behind them. They were preceeded by a stiff, almost robot-walking Spiritual-Stargazer, and directly behind them an incredibly nonplussed Clutchmate-Seeker just… watched everything unfold. She caught herself staring only when the group had made their way to the front door and were having some sort of … conversation.

It was the elder warmcuddle that seemingly had a problem-

“no.>”

For everyone else, Jornissian or even the rare non-Jornissian counterpart who would find themselves in The Comfy Coil, the outside entrance was something so mundane as to be wholly ignored by the conscious brain. A few entry signs, an automatic door, and the grippy entry/exit way for fast traction, and that was it. What Rssesnsen now found, much to her delight and slight horror, was that the steps installed that were of no consequence to any of her other patrons were just a bit too high for the elder warmcuddle.

She couldn’t get in.

There was some animated conversation outside, a couple interesting arm and hand gestures, and an attempt by the younger warmcuddles to climb the first step and help the elder up – this did not succeed. Eventually the clutchmate-seeker, with all the care in the world, wrapped his arms around the frail creature and hoisted her up the step.

The first step. Of Five.

By the time they finally made it into the cafe proper Rssesnsen, the patrons, and their escorts were practically vibrating with energy.

Abuela scanned the room, daring a motherfucker to say something.

She knew she – and the girls – would be of interest to the locals, but she didn’t expect the entire cafe to stop what they were doing and watch them cross the street as an almost single hydra-like entity. Granted, the left batch of heads seemed… overly enthused at their arrival, but everyone seemed to settle down before they ended up at the front door. She had been moved by men before; sometimes from a barricade, sometimes from danger, sometimes… well. That’s for a flashback that’s not rated for this website. But never for something so mundane as walking up steps – so when her feet finally touched the gritted floor of the cafe, Isabella knew she had to reassert dominance.

Hence, the steely-eyed glare. The slight frown was just an added bonus to prove that yes, she would cut you, and no, you shouldn’t try.

“Hm! Well! What’s good here?”

“[OH HI!]” An almost cherry red Jornissian cried out a little too cheerfully, rapidly rearing up from behind the counter. “[I um. Hello! Welcome to The Comfy Coil! Would you like a seat or could I get you something from our drink or food bar?]”

“Oh, hello!” Sofia said, smiling. “It’s a pleasure to meet you – um… Cheery!”

The Jornissian full-body wobbled back and forth a bit while the Translator implanted in her head worked out her new name, and Rssesnsen did a little twirl once it was done. “[Why, thank you! And what are your names?]”

“I’m Sofia, Luciana’s mother and this is Isabella, my mother.” Sofia said, patting her mother on the back gently. She was rewarded with another “Hm!” as the elder Aleman kept shifting her eyes across the cafe, continuing to establish dominance. “And we were hoping to get something to drink – caffeine is one of our safer stimulants, but I think there are a few others we can have if you don’t carry it.”

“[Oh! I’m certain we can fix something up! Ah… is there anything on the menu that you’d like to try first? I can see about substituting ingredients-]”

“Certainly. That sounds lovely.” Sofia smiled wide, walking up to the counter that… started to loom kinda high. By the time she made it up to the countertop proper, it was almost at her eye level. She looked up at the Jornissian, the predator looming over her with far too much cheer for someone who was working in the equivalent of fast food.

“Um… so… what’s uh. What’s the deal of the day?” Sofia asked, as she was soon joined by her daughter who draped her arms over the chin-height countertop.

“[We have a sea-reed slurry soup which is mostly carbohydrates and fiber, to be honest, with your choice of either synthetic protein, plant, animal, or insect-based protein-]”

“Eeh, no! No insects, please.”

“[Oh, alright! So then, if that’s not your choice for tonight, you can take a look at some of our smoothie options!]” Cheery cherry cheerfully chirped.

The two humans looked at the board behind the Jornissian, the third one using her cane to bat away a helpful pair of feathered arms each time they made ready for a lift.

“Ah…”

“[Oh! Don’t worry about the GRC there – for you, all substitutions are free!]”

“No, it’s not that-”

“[Oh! I can assure you, all our protein is raised in cruelty-free environments! All our stock is vaccinated – takes the light right out from behind their eyes-]”

“It’s… ah. Persimmon?”

The humans’ Jornissian guide gently curved his body around the now fighting-not-fighting abuela vs. Wiggles deathmatch happening in front of the counter, lowering his head down to her eye level. “[Yes?]”

“I can’t read. I mean, I can’t read the signs. Our… implants are voice only.”

Swipressnssren – nee Persimmon – stared with an unfocused gaze for just a few seconds before raising himself up to a normal height. He made eye contact with his counterpart across the counter, and they shared a quiet conversation that basically boiled down to How can they be like this all the time.

“Ha!”

There was a slightly meaty thap, and a tennisball-tipped cane connected with Wiggles’ snout, dissuading her from any further attempts to lift Abuela up to non-manlet heights. She scanned the room one last time with the most what did I just tell you look, before rapping her cane against the corner of the counter.

“Give me your strongest stimulant!”

“Abuela, no-”

“[Is – is she serious? I can’t… tell.]” Cheery murmured, staring through the serving-area to where she was almost certain the elder stood.

“[Just do it.]” Murmured the Dorarizin, sighing heavily. “[What’s the use of living so long without a little excitement, right?]”

“Ha!” the cane waved, triumphantly. “See? I like Tipo! One for him too! Tonight, we are invincible!”

Categories
Stories They are Smol

They are Smol – and it’s a Smol World: Chapter 9

A/N: Hey everyone – sorry for the delay in posting! I was getting over some health issues that suddenly cropped up, and they really kinda just… stopped me dead in my tracks. But the troubles are behind us, and we should be back to our regular posting schedule! To make up for the lack of smol, please accept this late superpost!

– – – – – – – –

Gentle Expanse was an alien planet, and if this is a fact that surprises you at this point in the story, I honestly don’t know what to tell you. I point it out merely because when we see Star Wars or Star Trek or Star Tzar (very popular in the 2080s) we tend to either (1) land on a hostile planet whose atmosphere is poison, temperatures are deadly, where any surface liquid is acid, or (2) Land somewhere vaguely Earth-ish, but with one or two odd plants.

Gentle Expanse was picked because it was Earthlike; The gravity was just a little heavier, the days a bit longer, but the atmosphere was basically the right composition and water flowed freely on it’s surface. There were mountains and valleys and rivers and lakes and oceans, and it’s about at that point that the similarities ended. A separate, non-terraformed planet in the goldilocks’ zone would have it’s own tree of life and it’s own way of doing things.

Seeing as how they weren’t allowed the land far from the city and civilization, they picked the furthest point from their bustling neighbors to build their homestead. It … the spires of the city rose in the distance, kilometers away, so you could pretend that you were far out, but civilization still seemed to loom close. Andres Aleman, or as his friends and family called him “Double-A”, reflected on these facts as he tested the earth. There wasn’t so much “grass” on the planet as small, crumbly… well the closest thing would be some sort of multi-hued fungus with a stiff root system, and once you got that out of the way the little critters – all names unknown to human science – skittered out of the way to show a slightly gray hard-pack earth. Double-A took his spade and struck it into the ground, it yielding like wet clay under the metal’s edge. Turning it over he found it somewhat porous and teeming with life.

“So, how does it look?”

Double-A turned towards his elder brother, Tomas, and shrugged. “Hell if I know. There’s a good ecosystem here, sure, but. I have no idea if any of this would eat roots, or if we can even plant here.”

Tomas frowned and knelt, the setting of his new home’s one large sun painting his back a vivid orange in the dimming light. He poked at the mass of dirt, watching it break apart easily under his tool. “Well. At least we won’t have issue plowing, but… is that all fungus?”

“I don’t think so. We sent ahead our specs to the UTF, and they wouldn’t just send us out here without-”

“Double-A, you still trust that the government isn’t inept. This is why you fail.”

Tomas was rewarded for his playful snark with a lump of alien soil tossed onto his shoes. “Ass.” Double-A said, taking another spade of dirt out of the land before them. “But seriously. Fungus destroys our crops, and we can’t have root-eating pests. These are basic things that would’ve been covered by the Agriculture Department of the United Terran Federation, right?”

“I’d assume so, or else this is going to be one hell of a short-lived colony.”

“So… what first? Wheat? Corn? I’m voting corn-”

“Corn tortillas are the best, but I think we might go with potato-”

Potato?! Are you MAD?” Double-A said, reeling back in somewhat-fake shock. “Latkes are heresy, and it’s physically impossible to make a mole matzah ball soup! That’s how we lost Grandpa Bimbo, God rest his bear-loving soul.”

Tomas just stared at his brother for a few moments, desperately trying to determine if he was being serious before shaking his head. “No, you idiot. They’re easy to grow, nutritionally dense, are used in multiple cultures and pretty hardy – we can sell them to basically everyone. We’ll also be able to determine with them exactly what here eats what, so we don’t waste our other seed crops. We have the budget for hydroponics, but…”

Tomas stared ahead in contemplation, the meadow stretching out from their haphazardly-built landing/homestead site. The not-fungus grass stalks swayed slightly in the breeze, a few of them opening up in “blossoms” from some external or internal stimuli that was just as alien as the landscape before him. Insects – probably? – darted from open bloom to open bloom, and in the distance strange noises of small things echoed in the encroaching dusk. The meadow continued for some acres until hitting, for lack of a better term, the “woods”; large spindly swaying growths, limbs fat and lumpy with… fruit? Sap? Tomas didn’t know. They reminded him of fat yet barren oak trees, soft-looking yet ponderously huge and heavy limbs intertwining with their neighbors for mutual support, forming almost a singular structure if you forgot to see the forest for the trees. The wind went through them, sometimes whistling, always rustling – and that, at least, was close enough to home that Tomas could appreciate the whole thing, tamping down the subconscious desire to set fire to the whole damn thing and grow proper plants in their stead.

“…fire.”

“Hmm?”

Tomas blinked and stood up, rolling his shoulders. “We should get a fire going, seeing as how it’s going to be night here soon – we can get some cooking done, keep warm and keep setting up camp.”

“Aren’t fires illegal? I mean – they made a big to-do about using light generators instead-”

“Yeah, but fuck’em. We’ve got fire suppressant gear, and it’s not like we’ll be making some sort of massive blaze. Just something to cook with, yanno?”

“Eh. Yeah, sure, I haven’t started a fire in years. We still got that chorizo?”

Admiral Smalls was, first and foremost, not a small man – that joke had been made many times before, and had caused a few fights as well. At 5’11” he towered over the rest of his crew, though that was mainly due to him being seated at his station on the bridge – which, of course, necessitated that he be at the highest point to look over everyone’ shoulders. The initial un-docking of Reach and her escort was exciting, the forming of the trans-spacial field and the activation of the warp drive was historical, and the actual jump itself was-

Well. It was fun, though he’d never admit it openly. Seeing everything blow by you, punching through your home system in a matter of hours what would have taken years, if not decades, and then the great expanse. A trillion trillion points of light, moving around your ship in every direction. Each one a new star, a new galaxy, a new adventure

He sighed, dejected. That was probably the reason why the UTF refused to name any ship “Enterprise”; that call of adventure and discovery was intoxicating, but as it had been drilled into him a thousand times already, warping into systems you haven’t mapped is how you die via instantaneous deceleration. Although he’d love to land on strange new worlds, he didn’t want to do it face-first and at speeds that would vaporize him into his constituent atoms.

So he did the next best thing; piloting well-mapped space lanes that no human had done before. Still got to discover things, still got to see things before anyone else, and much like the rest of human history when some new place was “discovered”, you just had to push the locals out of the way and plant a flag to call it a day.

However, now all that was done; they warped into a new system, there was a bit of a lightshow, pictures and videos were taken and shared and now… now they just sat there in orbit, an impossibly heavy ship seemingly suspended in the heavens by the will of some god. Sure, shuttles were going to and from the surface with perfect regularity, and slowly their holds were being emptied of their cargo – both passengers and livestock – but there was nothing to do. Gentle Expanse was not a port of call, per se – it was a simple self-sustaining colony world, whose main exports were nothing more than a few generic sauces and a bright, iridescent powder that they sustainably harvested off of some local wildlife. There was no place for him to give his crew shore leave. There was no allied shipyard to do work on Reach, if there even was anything to do. There were no pirates, no battles to be fought, no exotic aliens to meet – or seduce – no ancient artifacts to meddle with.

This, of course, only left paperwork.

For the past week and a half, once their geostationary orbit was settled in, the only thing that crossed the Admiral’s desk were the same shuttle schedules, the same cargo manifesto debriefs – he responded by rubber-stamping in the same place his approval for that day’s schedule and sent out to Gentle Expanses’ colonial government the same request he made every day, which basically amounted to “ya got any junk tech lying around? I’ll haul it away for free.”

For this was his life now; Admiral Smalls, first among peers to be given the prestigious honor of leading mankind to their first off-system colony world had been reduced to rummaging around in alien trashbins for bits of broken tech. Partially because Humanity didn’t want to always build things from scratch (fixing things up saved resources after all), but as it was told to him by one of the R&D wonks back on earth, “why innovate when you can reverse engineer?” Gentle Expanse had it’s blacklist of technology it couldn’t give us, sure, but who’s to say that an old generator or broken transport wouldn’t yield some secret that would advance Human technology by decades?

A gentle pip interrupted Adm. Smalls’ musing, followed closely by another. He tapped his consoles’ screen, maximizing both messages.

The first one was a nice surprise: Apparently Silver City had spun up a few civilian training courses for human interaction, and had an excess amount of damaged and/or malfunctioning hard light projectors, and was willing to part with all them for the paltry sum of 1,750KG of Au. Done and done.

The second pip… well, it was a surprise, but a curious one. It originated from deep within the bowels of his on-board tech department, and wasn’t so much of a red flag as it was an inconsistency. Adm. Smalls tapped a few icons on his station, pulling up a secure connection with…

Well. We’ll just call them the spooks. You know who I mean.

And so Admiral Smalls and The Person He Was Talking To discussed an interesting spike of EM radiation that was transmitted from his ship to the local galactic network node that led to an access point that didn’t exist, and apparently contained no data.

Hisssssss-pop

Double-A sighed as the fire crackled and murmured, fed on broken crates, paper stuffing and wooden pallets. Its’ fuel wasn’t pretty, but it was comforting none the less, the orange glow of the fire casting jumping shadows against the temporary shelter. Temporary was a bit of a misnomer; it was a modular home, a space double-wide, but the build quality was such that there was no real reason for it to not be permanent, save for the fact that it looked ugly as hell and Double-A could swear he heard banjo music play softly whenever he used the restroom.

“Did you find the pan?” he called out behind him, kicking in an errant piece of wood with his boot.

“No! We’re gonna have to use foil.” Tomas called out over the sound of rummaging. “That’s all I found. Foil and butter.”

“Didn’t mom say she packed everything we’d need though-”

“Yeah, well! Uh.” Tomas poked his head out of the temporary shelter, giving his best I have no fucking clue expression. “Mom probably put them somewhere.”

“Did you check the fridge?”

“I…”

Really-

“Shutup, fuck you, I’m tired and this place is weird.”

Usually Double-A would have continued the banter, playfully trading jabs with his brother, but in this case… he was right. The place was weird. Admittedly, everything outside of Earth was “weird”, but in different ways; the trip up the spire, the alien simulations, the interior of a spaceship – sure, weird, but somehow… human. You were in odd places doing odd things that your grandparents couldn’t dream of, but it was still somehow comforting, even if every experience was new and somewhat terrifying, because someone had been there before. Somebody – some human – had planned out that sector, had riveted that corridor together, had swept the halls and painted the walls. But as Double-A looked out over the night that held no moon over the not-grass as strange sounds echoed through the not-woods, he shuddered.

This place was weird.

The wind passed through the trees – Double-A forced himself to call them trees – the sound almost comforting to his overworked mind.

“I found the things!”

“Good!” Double-A called, tossing another few wood scraps onto the fire, orange light burning bright. “I’m really considering putting up some of those generators, yanno? Like. I get the whole campfire feel, but-”

“—-Ö—.”

Double-A stopped mid-sentence, his breath hitching in his throat. What was that noise?

… … …

He shuddered, again, and held out his hands to the fire. If this planet at least had a moon there might have been a chance for a lit night, but as it stood the darkness around their little settlement was all-encompassing and impregnable. It was… it seemed to swallow the light, and in some sort of ancient defiance, Double-A tossed on a few more scraps of wood, stoking the fire brighter.

“. . . öööö-”

“Yeah ok that’s definitely something-”

“What’s definitely something?” Tomas called out, carrying tinfoil-wrapped chorizo-and-butter bundles. “Cause if you’re talking about my new interstellarly-famous buttered sausage then-”

“Sssh!” Double-A hissed, staring out into the void. There was a hasty silence behind him, and he was soon joined by his brother, who wordlessly passed him a shotgun.

“What? Wild animal?”

“I don’t-”

“Öööööööööööö~”

“What the fuck-”

Safeties were clicked off, shells were racked, and the two Aleman brothers stood defiant against the night.

“…well that was anti-clim-OHGODDAMNIT-” Tomas cried out as something descended silently from above, it’s wings beating silent against the night, great compound eyes glowing balefully in the reflection of the single sputtering firelight. Double-A turned, the butt of his shotgun slamming into the beast and seeming to both skid off of it’s chitinous shell and sink into it’s soft flesh, the beast letting out another mournful ‘öööööö’.

Horrifyingly, the call was returned – above the brothers, behind them, before them. There was the sound of somethings landing on their home, landing on their equipment, landing on them.

Silver City was an established city on an established colony world in an established system. This meant that public services were basically everywhere they needed to be; if you were in a city or space station you could rest easy knowing that power, water, atmosphere, life support and various other necessities on the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs were basically guaranteed. Even if you weren’t – say you found your ship sputtering out of fuel near the diamond cloud – you could take it easy knowing that at worst, within a couple local days a rescue barge would be towing you back to the nearest port. At best you’d be close enough to a well-traveled lane that someone would just pump you some fuel for a tenner.

This, of course, meant that there was an entire apparatus of the state that was purpose-built for mundane surveillance; no matter how freedom-loving and privacy-guarding a populace was, it was important for the government to know where the water pipes were breaking, where those electrical surges were coming from, and exactly what the heck was causing the nitrogen levels to climb in cargo bay 7. When you’re monitoring water/gas/electric/sewage/atmosphere you might as well stick a camera there too, if only to dissuade illegal tampering and to check up on your maintenance crew.

As with any municipal government there were local laws; don’t speed near the heliosphere or you’ll ionize your hull. Don’t dive into our gas giant’s planetary rings or else you’ll wind up destroying them – for one, and for two you’ll have to pay to smooth them back out. But one that had been ingrained into the very architecture of Gentle Expanse itself was simply thus:

Only use blue lights.

Blue, from deep azure to an almost pure “white” was acceptable. What was absolutely not acceptable was anything else. So when there was a pinprick of orange in the natural-park-turned-colony-site, there was concern and a few raised flags amongst the city planners. When the orange light grew, an animal control/rescue unit was dispatched.

When the fireball lit up the night, central services sent everyone they could.

“YOU MOTHERFUCKERS”

ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ-”

There was the rapport of gunfire and the beast darted back and up into the darkness, disturbingly fast. They were legion – diving towards the brothers, throwing themselves against toppled machinery, and most surprisingly – eagerly, ecstatically diving into the fire, the force of their impact catching the dust in the air alight. Beating their wings they fanned the flame, and some – screaming – would take to the sky again, igniting in the air in a burst of ichor and color, like some twisted biological firework. The ichor itself also seemed flammable – or something, Tomas couldn’t tell – but the house was on fire. The transport was on fire.

Everything was on fire.

There was the blast from Andres’ shotgun somewhere to his right; he was still alive. Good. Tomas raised his own weapon and fired a round into the skull of one of the creatures that circled the remnants of the camp, the force knocking the beast off of the tractor’s cabin. A few moments later it shakily lifted off, listing hard to the right – and with another shot it was felled.

“WHY WON’T THEY FUCKING LEAVE-”

“I DON’T KNOW – HOW MANY MORE SHELLS YOU GOT?”

ÖÖÖÖ-”

Two more shots rang out into the night. “FUCK, UH. MAYBE FFFFFGODDAMNIT-”

There was the sound of a scuffle and of a few meaty thuds, and then the blast from his brother’s shotgun going off.

“DID YOU KEEP YOUR GUN?”

“YEAH! FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT.” There was the sound of another meaty kick, and the call-and-response of ÖÖÖÖ in the night as the swarm beat around and within the camp, a haphazard orgy of animalistic confusion and instinct sewing chaos. “WHERE ARE YOU?”

“NEAR THE TRACTOR. YOU?”

“AH. SPRAYER.”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE THINGS?!”

“I DON’T KNOW – LOOK! EYES, uh, SOUTH! THERE!”

Tomas guessed where his brother was pointing – the night sky was alight with a pinprick swarm of lights coming from the nearby city, and at what he was hoping was an incredible speed.

“FUCKING FINALLY.

“{Time to target?}”

“[45 Seconds.]”

Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh checked her harness once more as her partner/pilot Szreshnstrst skimmed them low against the ground. They were approaching the [human] homestead in question at near mach-1, so the deceleration was going to hit them fast and hard. Planetary special forces were rarely called out for rescue missions, especially on Gentle Expanse, but considering the fireball that lit up the night sky a few minutes ago, the [Night-Terror]-beasts most likely whipped up into a frenzy. The planet was, well, infested with them, and there was no real way to kill them without damaging the local ecology. Dissuasion and containment were the best ways to go, so…

“[15 seconds.]”

So she and another team were going to swoop in fast and hard, pop floodlights to disorient the dumb beasts, fast-rope down and evac the [humans]. When the dawn broke they could survey and repair the damage, but right now safety was the most important priority.

“[3…2…1… BRACE-]”

Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh gritted her teeth as she was slammed, hard into her harness, her suit cushioning her from just a few of the nearly 30Gs of force her body felt as they went from nearly mach 1 to a standstill over the course of a few yards. The blast of air from their interceptor shuttles scattered most of the swarm, punching a hole wide enough to allow for an exfil. Wordlessly Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh swung the door wide open and fell into the night.

For a few moments she fell into darkness, and then a dazzling light beamed behind her, bathing the devastated homestead in a pure, white light. The two [humans], disoriented, fired up into the air – much to her chagrin, one of the rounds smacked harmlessly into her stomach. With a heavy thud Zngrer landed near one of the [humans], wrapping her forearm firmly but gently around his torso.

She was rewarded with a shotgun-stock strike to the head.

“{CITIZEN, YOU ARE BEING RESCUED.}” She spoke, calmly but with authority. “{PLEASE stop resisting.}”

“[THEY CAN SPEAK NOW, BATTERY-TYPE-A! THEY GOT ME-]”

“[DON’T GO INTO THE LIGHT SMALL-BUT-FORGETFUL! THAT’S HOW THEY GET YOU-]”

Pursing her lips she activated the retrieval winch, and both her and her charge were pulled smoothly into the air. The [human] squirmed in her grip for a few more seconds before going utterly limp, seeming to accept his fate.

“{Don’t worry, [Human]. I’m from the government and I’m here to help- why are you squirming again calm down-}”

Categories
Stories They are Smol

They are Smol – and it’s a Smol World: Chapter 8

“Bokka-bokka-bokka-bok.”

“Bokka-bokka-bokka-bok.”

“Bokka-bokka-bokka-bok-

“Eggsmerelda!” Juan Esteban scolded, looking into the chicken carrier he was pushing out of the transport. He was answered with four flaps of the hen’s wings, before a full-body shake and an inquisitive stare. “Don’t you look at me like that! The pilot did his best.”

“Bok.”

“Nuh! That sinking feeling in your gut isn’t the precursor to something terrible – it’s just feeling this planet’s gravity, Eggsmerelda.”

The hen narrowed her eyes accusingly at her human caretaker, before looking tilting her head to see past him. She didn’t know enough about astrophysics or metaphysics to argue with the human, and figured her time would be best spent providing exposition to the rest of her flock.

Eggsmerelda cast her gaze outside of the livestock carrier to the planet she and all but 4 of her descendants would call home for the rest of time, and clucked softly to herself. Landing Zone 5 of the Human Partition of Silver City was a massive pad, all things considered; roughly 800,000 square feet of landing and unloading area per shuttlecraft, and this was one of 25 such pads that had been erected in a straight line along the border to help ease the flow of goods and personnel down to the surface of [Gentle Expanse]. This entire pad was currently taken up by the Aleman family – the parents, children, their various livestock, seed and starter crops. Juan Esteban, being the youngest child at 7, was put in charge of the more manageable livestock – and there’s nothing more manageable than a chicken in a coop.

“Rrr. Rrrrrr.”

“See? I told you, it’s fine. Papa says that we’ll make you a nice run near the house, and since there are no hawks here we might be able to give you a full acre!”

“Bok.”

“I know!” Juan Esteban agreed, nodding his boyish head sagely. “We have much more space than we did back home.”

“Bok.”

“Hmm?” Juan Esteban said, looking over to one of the elevator booths. The Landing Zone pads weren’t at ground level; They were the “rooftops” of various purpose-built complexes that would eventually manage the transfer of packages, immigrants and tourists to and from the surface. Right now, as they were mostly half-built, the Landing Zone pads and buildings were more …multipurpose. Anything from keeping sheep in (what would eventually be) basketball court to housing in the frequent flyer’s lounge was allowed, as long as it was temporary. The elevators themselves were a little more than half-built, but just barely; nothing more than part of the actual pad that would sink down to the lower levels, and a pop-up guardrail to corral the goods in transit from falling off the side. Currently standing on one of the elevators was a group of real life aliens-

Juan Esteban basically vibrated with excitement.

“Bok.”

No. I’m goin’ over and saying hi!”

“Bok.”

“Oh COME ON. It’ll be ok!”

“…Bok.”

“Look, Papa won’t know!”

“Papa won’t know what?” Ricardo said, smiling softly as his youngest damn near jumped out of his skin.

“H-How did you-”

“Whenever children get really quiet, that’s when you know something is wrong. Besides, you should listen to Eggsmerelda – she’s got a good head on her shoulders.”

“Bok.” Eggsmerelda said quietly in agreement.

Juan Esteban turned bright red, wrapping his arms around his torso and staring at his feet in utter embarassment. “H-How long-”

“Long enough, son. You’re not the only one who talks to the animals, yanno.” Ricardo stated, gently patting Juan Esteban on the head. “You don’t really grow out of it, and they do listen.”

Juan Esteban mumbled something half-audible in response, the encouraging clucking of Eggsmerelda not helping to pull him out of his funk. Ricardo sighed, then pushed his son slightly on the back towards the elevator. “Come on, we might as well see what they want.”

“Really?!”

“Mmm. And you’re not going alone. Besides, it’s always good manners to meet the neighbors.”

The elevator was bright, airy, and built to human standards – which is a nice way of saying it was open-air, windswept and very slow.

“[No, but seriously.]” Ik’itili said, ruffling her feathers slightly in worry before fussing them all back into place under her vest. “[What if we learned the truth?]”

“[I really really really don’t think that’s the case.]” Swipressnssren said, curling his tail back in on itself in a casual non-threatening rest position. “[If anything it was a bored warmcuddle who accidentally got lost on the GalNet and stumbled into the server.]”

“[But he was saying things-]”

“[Warmcuddles tend to do that.]” Swipressnssren responded coyly, earning him a bap with a feathered arm. He repositioned his sash, tucking the city guides’ standard issue tablet under his arm while doing so. “[Seriously, though. I don’t think that he was giving us the unedited truth-]”

“[Deepest Lore is what he called it – the secrets behind the secrets!]” Ik’itili chirped, giving a little full-body wiggle. “[What if he accidentally gave us the answers to perfect cross-species communication!? What if we’re able to be the best guides ever – Team, what if we can put it in a book and get it published?! We’d be famous-]”

“[We haven’t even met our first warmcuddle yet – in the flesh, I mean.]”

“[Hard light training dummies are basically little-needs-protectings-]”

“[That’s speciest.]” Ngruzren-of-Arzgr growled, grinning as he adjusted his leisure outfit, absentmindedly running a claw through his mane. “[And I’m reporting both of you for illegal fraternization with a tiny-chomper.]”

“[[John Madden] is more than a little-needs-protecting, Ngruzren. He’s eternal.]”

“[I have checked at least 15 times – there is no church of the touchdown, and the sacred playbook doesn’t exi-]”

The three of them tensed internally as the elevator began to slow down further – if you could believe such a thing – the top of the landing pad slowly inching towards eye-level.

“[I could jump it.]”

“[No.]”

“[M’ could.]” Ik’itili grinned, squatting. “[It’s just a little hop, really.]”

“[I’ll pluck your tailfeathers as you jump.]” Threatened Swipressnssren, smiling as they crested the floor. “[Now stand up already and act professional. We’re about to make introductions.]”

“[Fiiiiiine.]” Cooed Ik’itili, standing up and stretching her legs. “[But only because I’m the most professional of us all.]”

As the trio rose from the depths of the building and into the light, they looked around curiously; arrayed in a semicircle around the fat, bulky landing craft were all manner of cages, boxes and crates – most of them looking utilitarian and multipurpose in use and design. Every few crates would be broken up by a cage holding some exotic dirt animal – some were easily identifiable from the shared Human media; those over there were horses, that one – a cow. Some were utterly alien to the group, their purposes only guessed at. A cacophony of animal noises would every so often be blown towards them on the wind, before abruptly changing course and becoming almost mute. The elevator floor connected with the floor of the landing pad with an audible thunk, magnetic locks snapping into place. The movement apparently caught the attention of one of the offloaders, and eventually a trio of humans began to wobble their way over.

“[The song begins. Or as [John] would say – around folk be woke.]”

“[Damnit, Ngruzren, not you too.]”

“Ah.”

Ricardo was the patriarch of the Aleman family, and as such had a certain swagger to his walk. That swagger ended about halfway to the elevator once he got a really good look at the aliens waiting for him, and was altogether a distant memory once the size disparity was put into stark contrast. His son, Juan Esteban, went from eagerly power-walking before his daddy to standing beside him to now almost being pushed forward from the side.

“D-dad-”

“N-now now. They’re… they’re nice. A bit more… more than the holos, but. We trained for this.”

“Iunwanna-”

“It’ll be fine.”

Both Ricardo and Juan Esteban jumped slightly as Luciana had the audacity to… walk beside them for the past few moments. “Really though. They look aggressive, but it’s fine.”

“Mmm. I just… can’t read ‘em.” Ricardo murmured, voice low with worry.

“You… do realize you can just talk to them, right?”

“[Hello [Humans]!]” The giant werewolf bellowed, waving an arm like a treetrunk in a close-enough approximation of a greeting.

“See?” Luciana said, half-laughing as she waved back. “Besides, we’re far too deep in now to get cold feet – HELLO!” she called out, leading her family forward. “Pleasure to meet you!”

“[Greetings! I am greetings, and it is nice to meet you.]” The mountain of a beast said, ears perked forward.

“Oh! I uh. The pleasure is all ours! I’m Luciana, and this is my father Ricardo and my youngest brother, Juan Esteban – who is… hiding behind dad’s legs because he’s shy.”

The giant raptor knelt down, tilting it’s head to the side. “[I can help you hide better if you’d like!]” it beamed, and Juan’s grip on his father’s leg began to cut off circulation.

“T-that’s alright. What’s your names?” Ricardo grimaced, attempting to keep his demeanor through his child’s death-grip.

“[I’m Hello! And this is Welcome!]” the raptor motioned with a free arm to the giant snake, who dipped it’s head. “[Though, seeing as how this is our first meeting and calibration, it might make sense to pick new names for us!]”

“Oh! Uh, we can do that?”

“[Certainly! The names you give us will be logged by our implants and propagated out to every new human we meet. We will also do the same for you, if you don’t mind.]” The raptor screech-sang softly, it’s head remaining level with Juan Esteban’s while it’s body moved.

“Um.”

“[Could you say your name for calibration?]”

Everyone turned to little Juan Esteban, whose whole world was nothing but his father’s back.

“It’s… Juan. Juan Esteban.” Ricardo answered, his hand reaching back to assuredly pat his child on the shoulder.

“[Juan Juan Esteban.]”

“No, just Juan Esteban.”

“[Just Juan Esteban.]” the raptor said, without an ounce of confusion but a pinch of playfulness.

“Juan Esteban!” The child protested loud enough to finally be heard, not moving from his father’s side.

“[Hello Juan Esteban! What would you like to name me?]”

The child – for the first time since they got within earshot – peeked around his parent. “W-what?”

“[You can name me! What would you like to call me – my name is-]”

And then the raptor sang.

“[- but you can call me what you want.]”

“Um. Uh. Wh.. Ah.”

The boy stuttered for a few moments, staring down the unblinking and oddly kind monster before him as it swayed from side to side-

“W-wiggles?”

The raptor stopped moving, the wolf-bear looked away suddenly and the snake seemed to bite it’s lip. Using such a common word meant that it was perfectly translated over, so there was no mistaking or masking the name.

“[Wiggles.]”

“Yeah?”

The Karnakian looked up at the human patriarch with a deadpan expression. “[Wiggles.]”

“Ah-hh…” Ricardo grinned, shrugging, As Luciana started to lose it as silently as she could. “I mean… you did ask a child to name you.”

“[Wiggles.]” Wiggles the Karnakian said, looking back at her teammates.

“[Well, Wiggles, let’s not monopolize their time any longer than we should!]” The giant snake – Jornissian – said, bowing slightly. “[Although, I would prefer to be named something a bit more… mature.]”

“And uh, how do you say your name?”

And the snake purred.

“Uh… Persimmon? It’s a fruit that we cultivate, very sweet.”

“[Persimmon. Sure, thank you. And your name?]”

“Ricardo Aleman.”

“[Ricardo Aleman. It is a pleasure to meet you, Ricardo Aleman.]”

“L-likewise.”

Finally, the giant bear-wolf stepped forward, giving a gentle bow to Luciana. “[And what is your name?]”

“Luciana Aleman.”

“[Luciana. It’s a pleasure.]” and the wolf-bear – a Dorarizin – held out it’s hand in a very human-like greeting.

“Oh!” Luciana beamed, and gave a half-curtsy before reaching out and gripping the alien’s hand in a firm-for-a-human grip. “The pleasure is all mine!”

Luciana smiled wide, and remembering his training, Ngruzren-of-Arzgr mimicked the gesture – a light blush across his features.

They both tensed as there was a slip, and a decoupling. The alien facial gesture of a human “smile” working muscles in ways that usually aren’t moved in such a way. There was a loud plink, and a slight scattering of enamel-on-metal.

Ngruzren-of-Arzgr’s prosthetic lay on the ground between them.

“I uh…”

Luciana looked down and then back up at the frozen alien. If she had taken the more advanced orientation classes she would’ve known the look of utter mortification that was on Ngruzren’s features, but the thousand-yard stare was enough. She pulled her hand out of the Dorarizins’ and bent down, picking up the hefty implant.

“T.. I think this is yours.” She said quietly, placing it in his hand.

“[. . .]”

The two trios looked at each other for a few eternities, frozen in collective embarrassment until there was a fierce cough that snapped everyone out of their horrified reverie. Materializing between them both was a small, oval woman, and she immediately commanded everyone’s attention.

“I am Isabella Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santisima Trinidad Ruiz y Aleman. You may call me Abuela. And we will call you Tipo.”

Tipo closed his mouth, a stormfront of dark emotion covering his face. Abuela received only a nod of recognition for her interruption, and she sighed.

“Well, there’s nothing to be done for it. Come on – Juan, get your mother.” Isabella stated matter-of-factly, and the youngest child scampered off as ordered. “Ricardo and the boys will unload, stable and transport what needs to be done. Myself, Mi Luzita and Sofia will join you for a tour of the city, and that will be that. Now.”

The small and arguably frail woman took the Dorarizin’s paw and began to ‘lead’ him away in a way that was more suggestion than anything else. “Come, come. We will fix this, come.”

Wiggles and Persimmon looked at each other and then back at Luciana, who shrugged and clapped her hands a couple times, attempting to break the spell. “I uh… yeah! So. Sun’s setting, what’s good to do at night around here?”

“[Well…… we have some very nice [human]-friendly shopping we could take you to. The sun won’t rise for another 15 hours, so you have plenty of time to see what you want to see. We could also try some of the [human]-friendly restaurants and cafes, if you’d like?]”

“I think that would be great! Um. What’s good around here?”

“[Well, there are some places that serve caffeine, which might be useful if you’d like to spend a few hours out – or if you just want to get something quick and then head back to the unloading dock…]”

And so Luciana made small talk, soon joined by her mother Sofia who had some suggestions of her own. Eventually the addition of having someone who missed the recent unpleasentness and the momentum of excited conversation soon smoothed over the awkward start to the evening, and as a group they “boarded” the elevator and began the slow, safe ride down.

And for the entire ride Abuela sat in Tipo’s lap, singing softly as she was cradled gently by his arms.

Together, they descended into the blue-lit city below.

Categories
Stories They are Smol

They are Smol – and it’s a Smol World: Chapter 7

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

“Look, I know, I’m sorry-” Jothan cooed softly, removing the last pissbottle from the floor. His captive roomba continued to shake violently, googly eyes staring accusingly at his roomate/owner.

“I just got into some shit, yanno? Like, You find your tribe, man, and you just-”

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” The roomba continued to emit a high-pitched whining sound – almost as if it was screaming – and every few seconds it’s IR sensors would detect that it was clear ahead, that it could move – and it would dart forward just an inch before something in it’s circuitry pulled it back into the safety of the corner.

“-yeah, I guess that’s no excuse.” Jonathan sighed, slav-squatting as he rested his chin on his hands, staring at the traumatized robot. “Look, all I’m saying is, is that I won’t let it happen to me again – I promise, this time will be different.”

“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

“Well the bottles are fuckin’ spaced already! Look, see? Look with your sensors already-”

“Eeee”

Jonathan sighed, standing up. “Well. When you’re feeling less… whatever you are, you can go back to your hive and refresh yourself.” With a grunt he stretched, letting his back pop from the sudden use, and looked around his living quarters. The food was cleaned, the floor swept (by other roombas who wondered where the first unit was but knew better to ask questions) and mopped, the walls hosed down, new linens and bedding fabricated and the old stuff burned (sleeping on your own dead skin cells is barbaric.) the bathroom decontaminated and the ceiling repainted.

Look when you get into the mood to refresh your place you just go, amirite? Regardless, Jonathan was absolutely certain that he wouldn’t outright shame the entire human race if and/or when a room inspection ever happened… he’d just fail, like a normal human being would. As God Intended.

Pip

Jon turned at the sound, his VR station giving the “all clean” audio indicator. His bare feet padded on the tatami linoleum as he walked over to the cleaning dock, and unfastening a few clasps he opened the basketball-sized container. Hollow like a coconut, it’s prize presented itself in shiny backlit LED gamer-red glory; the lenses were washed and polished, the padding was refoamed and pressed, the controllers were micro-abraised clean – the entire thing felt brand new, which was the entire point of doing a thorough deep clean.

Smiling, he turned it over in his hands, the battery indicator flashing a bright and full green on all three peripherals. Starting up a few subvocalized commands he checked his 5KG connection status, answered 1400 unread emails with a sound bite pulled from a robot blocks game made back in pre-contact earth (a simple archaic .wav file), and cleared his admittedly empty calendar once more. A soft ‘uuuuuuuuuuuuuu’ tone broke his reverie for just a moment and he looked up – locking ‘eyes’ with the roomba in the corner.

“I…”

“Uuuu- uuuuuuuuu” it droned, googly eyes jiggling accusingly.

“. . .you know, you’re right. I have been neglecting you since your motherbot left. Come on, sport – let’s go outside and clean the hallway!”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-”

The chatroom was not as lively as it could have been.

I say that not because of any gigantic epiphany – that comes later. No, when you’re an Administrator of an illegal galactic net server node you tend to be the first one out and the first one in. After an hour or so of real time had passed and the threat of the Senate’s botnet discovering the still-propped-open backdoors had passed, it was safe to probe the node once more. Think of it… think of it like breaking into a rarely-used warehouse to throw an underground rave party. Your crew scouts out the location, you note the guard shifts, A few shut doors needed to be propped back open, and barring that a few new doors had to be made. You have to sweep the floors of loose data, loop a couple of the cameras (so to speak) and then alls’ well for the illegal bloc party to start.

All in all, it was routine work, and [Best_at_Tech] was joined by another Admin, and another and another until the relative couple-dozen hackers and script-kiddies had begun to rebuild the server in peace. That is, until they noticed the auto-generated log file. Childlike glee at unmasking a fellow shitposter soon rapidly turned to confusion, and then to deep debate.

[Best_at_Tech][@ADMIN]: “[Um.]”

[Premonition][@ADMIN]: “[I’ve never seen a prefix like that before.]”

[Thump_the_ground][@ADMIN]: “[It’s not a superuser. That prefix also doesn’t apply to anything in-system.]”

“[I mean, they could’ve changed superuser nomenclature given our new immigrants.]” mused [HotHotHeat][@Admin], automatically re-establishing the firewall from a few overeager server users attempting to crash the party early. “[Could it be someone from the floatilla? Maybe we had a spec-ops boy buzzing here in his free time?]”

“[Eeeehhhh.]” [Premonition][@Admin] said, copying the logfile again and unceremoniously ripping it apart for loose data. “[I don’t think so – they sure as shit don’t leave themselves logged in, and if that’s the case we’d all probably be getting some summons by now for cultural sensitivity and government reparations.]”

[Best_at_Tech][@ADMIN]: “[Uh.]”

[Thump_the_ground][@ADMIN] pulled at a loose thread, idly humming as he scanned the data again. “[Well. It’s new – this UUID hasn’t been seen before on this node. I could try pinging a few of our neighbors, but that’d take hours. Maybe armada, but not INT?]”

[HotHotHeat][@Admin]: “[But if that’s the case, then why not log out? It’s not li-]”

[Best_at_Tech][@ADMIN]: “[GUYS.]”

The other admins who were clustered around the logfile – as much as you can ‘cluster’ around a file – stopped their argument at [Best_at_Tech][@ADMIN]’s interjection.

“[Well?]” [Premonition][@ADMIN] said, spraying a few choice emojis at [Best_at_Tech]. “[What?]”

“[Turn… turn on your visuals. [Biffgrass_G7][@Admin] just got that back online.]”

[Thump_the_ground], [HotHotHeat] and [Premonition] paused for a moment as their implants went from a text-only ‘safemode’ to a full VR worldscape. AS there was nothing really made yet – as is the issue for new servers – it was just a floating void filled with a handful of default avatars, floating in no specific orientation and scattered about with no rhyme or reason. In the center of the avatar swarm, standing proudly and gray stood a single, lone human.

T-posing.

“[What.]”

“[See, that’s… that’s what I’m thinking too. Like. Ok, so this is our user who got swept, right?]” [Best_at_Tech][@ADMIN] said, the multi-tendriled sunspark motioning to the abandoned avatar. “[And defaults are defaults, but this is a new model [human] that’s a default avatar.]”

“[Ok, so, he’s a [cuddlefucker]? Makes sense for him to be here, I guess.]” [Thump_the_ground][@ADMIN] murmured, the Namptha ball mascot waving his comically large leaves in the nonexistent breeze. “[Also makes sense that he’d be part of the floatilla – I knew their system was full of ‘em, frozen hell it’s probably a requirement-]”

“[N-no. Look.]” [Best_at_Tech][@ADMIN] interrupted again, juxtapositioning the log file data with the avatar data. “[This comes from out-of-system, sure, with new indicators, ok. Might just be a regional dialect, for what it’s worth, but this is a default avatar. Look, see, we can pull the use data here.]”

“[So, a 5D Modeler?]”

“[This realistic?]” [Best_at_Tech][@ADMIN] said, waving her tendril around the human avatar’s face, contorting it into various expressions that may or may not actually exist. “[No. I think not.]”

[HotHotHeat][@Admin] shrugged, the tiny city turning it’s ‘gaze’ to study the default avatar’s data with more scrutiny. “[Alright, so this is a very detailed model – probably done with a body sca- oh. Oh.]”

“[Y-yeah.]”

“[No. I mean, ok, maybe, but no. No way.]”

“[Ok, we can test this super easily. Let me…]” [HotHotHeat][@Admin] concentrated for a few seconds, before rejoining chat. “[There, done. His ID is given elevated permissions. He can pass through the firewall while we’re still setting things up. At best, he knows we know he’s an SOCINT operator and we can start wiping data.]”

“[And if he’s not?]” Asked [Best_at_Tech][@ADMIN], smushing the avatar’s cheeks together.

“[No way.]”

Papa. That’s not how this works.”

Ricardo Aleman sat with his arms crossed, frowning at the map sprawled out before him. Around him – and really, scattered throughout the conference room were the rest of the Aleman clan; his wife and mother and his many many children. All of them were paying varying levels of attention to the map laid out on the table; some of the children eagerly adding their two cents as to what possibilities opened before them, some of them lamenting the hard work ahead. Land claims were already going quickly, with some families and companies doing their best to out-bid and out-promise resource extraction and use for what was considered “prime” real estate. This was all fine and well and good – if you’re a clothing designer, you want to be near the other retail shops to try to grab some of that exotic clientele. Ricardo, however, was a farmer. He had no use for Madison avenue storefront property; a simple farm-to-table shop would suffice, and hell, it could even be on the farm. Homegrown food always had a better taste that these kids just didn’t appreciate nowaday-

“Papa. You’re monologuing again.”

“Well then let me do so in peace, Luzita. Honestly, where I picked is perfectly fine and perfectly affordable; 100 acres, a slow, shallow river runs right through it, it’s in a slight valley that apparently doesn’t flood – that’s the good earth. We could set up the machinery within a month and get the rocks out of the soil in a season – if there even are any.”

“Yes, and I get that Papa, but that land’s not for sale.”

Ricardo lifted his hat, running his calloused fingers over his thinning hair. “And why not? What the fuck do I have use for being right up near the city?!”

Luciana sighed, tapping the map on the table. The reactionary cloth switched overlays, parts of the inland park showing up in greens, yellows, blues and reds. “Because there’s no services out there-”

“It’s a farm.”

“-and planet mandate is that all dwellings have to be connected to water, fire suppressant, power, communications and monitoring. That infrastructure isn’t out there, and we’re not planning on building it out there for another decade or two – and that’s not counting the wild animals that lived in the park and have to be relocated-”

It’s a farm. There are going to be animals. This is what a farm is.”

“Papa, I’m not making the rules here – there’s 50 acres on the same river 30km closer to the city, and we can afford that.”

“It’s bad land.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re not getting your way!”

“I’m just saying that because I know good earth when I see it, and that’s going to be nothing but hardpack and bedrock! Being so close to the city is going to do nothing but spook and stress any livestock we do end up getting, and we won’t be able to plant if-”

“Papa, it’s not for sale-”

“Then we just TAKE IT.” Ricardo yelled, frustratingly sweeping his hand across the map. “All this land is for us, and it’s not being used – because why? Because some city planner I’ve never heard of and who’s never been outside of the four blocks around his apartment thinks he knows best?! Because trying to escape the crush of people at home means we have to pack ourselves in tightly here?! We land on this planet, we take our machinery, we go and we homestead and fuck the consequences! Homesteader laws have to exist out here-”

“Look, I’m not a lawyer. I don’t know, ok?! I’m just trying to do my best-”

“Well try harder!Ricardo growled, sitting back in his chair angrily. “You’re supposed to help us get the GOOD land, the land we can keep forever, that will provide forever!”

There was a pause as both sides caught their breath, and a sense that battle lines would be drawn – and they would’ve been, between parents and children, between father and daughter, between the Alemans and the Silver City Immigration Bureau, if it wasn’t for a well placed cough and the comment that came after.

Mrs. Sofia Aleman quietly, almost as an afterthought and almost to herself, said that she wouldn’t mind living next to a city for once, and that it’d be good for the children to find people their own age. If anything, the comment was simply to the elderly matron sitting next to her than to the table or the room itself, but in the pause of Ricardo’s ego the words carried.

Abuela agreed.

And so Ricardo bought the bad land.

“Whew. Sport, that was one hell of an adventure!” Jonathan said, shimmying out of the 8th century Kimono he acquired during that radiator leak on deck 7. “But I’m glad we got through it all relatively unscathed.

“Beep!” went the roomba, canister filled with dirt and dust from the hallway.

“Yeah, yeah. Wiseass. But you weren’t singing that tune when the shark dragged you into the aquarium tank!”

“Beep!” went the roomba as it found it’s docking station, connecting itself to be recharged and cleaned.

“Ah well. Hey, is it alright if I, yanno-?” Jon said inbetween the wet sucking sounds of the vinyl clown sticker camouflage peeling off his chest and sides. “Cause it’s been an hour or two and I gotta feed the addiction.”

The roomba’s power button glowed, but it’s googly eyes said “yes”. Jon nodded sagely at those wise words and flopped onto his bed, body naturally sprawling out to optimum shitposting position.

Gloves on, visor on, alien-navigation-that-just-makes-no-sense on…

Jon reconnected to the server with a happy little ping, but instead of seeing a horde of shitposters fighting the good fight, there was… nothing.

Just a white, empty void.

“[AEIOU?]” [JOHN MADDEN] said curiously, the white void causing him to lose focus.

“[OH SWEET ALL-GOD YOU EXIST.]”

[JOHN MADDEN] turned towards the voice, seeing nothing but a very tentacly star wiggling at him. “[Oh, we’re doing that kind of shitposting now? Don’t tell me you’re a navfag.]”

“[UH. UH. UH.]”

Jon frowned at the noise coming from somewhere behind him. “[I better not… turn around and see you doing whatever the fuck you’re doing.]” [JOHN MADDEN] warned, spinning to see what looked like an Oddish just… vibrating.

[JOHN MADDEN]: “[What.]”

[Thump_the_ground][@ADMIN]’s avatar blinked, eyes unfocusing as the user behind the avatar scanned through reams of real-time data. “[UH.]”

“[Listen you fuck I’ll go topdeck and fite you.]” [JOHN MADDEN] threatened, ‘kneeling’ to be eye-level with the weird avatar. “[Stop jacking off on-mic. We have – well, had – an entire arena for you to do that in. Speaking of, where’d it go? I had the highscore last time I checked-]”

“[You’re human.]”

“[Yeah, no shit?]”

[JOHN MADDEN] furrowed his brow as he was surrounded by various other avatars of odd and confusing design, all of them slowly reaching out and poking him – as if to check that he was real.

“[… look, I’ll be your cult leader but I am going to make it a sex cult and it’s gonna be a weird one-]”

“[How… how?]”

[JOHN MADDEN] shrugged. “[Usually through indoctrination and various forms of abuse.]”

“[No.]” [Best_at_Tech][@Admin] said, changing from a tendril’d sun into generic Karnakian Avatar `60ew0086. “[How… are you, here.]”

[JOHN MADDEN] stared into the eyes of an avatar he’d never seen before – one super detailed, hyper realistic, and most likely based on real-life body scans. There was a pause of all of a few seconds before [JOHN MADDEN]’s body went ragdoll again, a few choice expletives picked up on the mic and the sound of a headset hitting the wall before disconnect.