Tag: They are Smol

Stories They are Smol

They are Smol: Chapter 15

Post author By TPH
Post date January 6, 2019
No Comments on They are Smol: Chapter 15

It’s time for government red tape!

Var’Shrak and The rapper formerly known as ZNA were able to submit a report
- The Report in fact
  - The humans didn’t get their copy. :c
  - You could say a dog ate their mail

Now it’s time for political intrigue! Maybe.

Let’s see how the duke ~~boys~~ species are gonna get outta this one

————————————————————————————————————

Brazil always speaks first.

Now, this is really one of those cute little facts that end up becoming standard practice, and then codified into law: Brazil always speaks first.

You see, way back when the UN was less of the governing body it is today and more of a debate and “we really should be doing X instead of waging war, guis” club, Brazil spoke first at the General Assembly each year. It spoke at the General Assembly each year not because it won a particularly high-stakes game of poker (no matter what Senior Senator Antonio Silva insists) but because back then nobody wanted to speak first. Each country was deferring to someone else – for various reasons – until the ambassador from Brazil slammed down 5 highballs of caipirinha and just went for it. He did that every year until his liver failed, but by that time it became the norm for the Brazilian ambassador to speak first. That random act of initiative then turned into the norm, which has since been codified into law.

So, of course, when the world needed to unify, they turned to the one nation’s ambassador who they could expect would treat the office with it’s due gravitas and respect it deserved. The fact that he was a coke addict was absolutely not an issue, and so humanity’s first el presidente was elected, mainly because again – Brazil just went for it.

Sr. Senator Mateus Carvalho Araujo, or “Mateo” as he was known to pretty much the entire human crew on Zephyr Nexus 01, was not el presidente. He was, however, the favored intern for El Presidente at the time, and so had the dubious honor of being Mankind’s first voluntold/‘elected’ senator. Unlike his patron Mateo actually got into politics in order to benefit the world, and so over the course of 20 grueling years rose to the high demands of his venerated office.

Mateo was also having another exhausting day.

The Senate wasn’t exactly one gigantic body where everyone sat in a room – or stood awkwardly on disk-shaped platforms dangling over a thousand-foot drop – and talked things out before having a vote and then partying on the taxpayer’s dime. Instead, there were many “senates” depending on the scope and topic being covered. You want to discuss trade negotiations? Well then you’d go to this sub-senate that’s specifically tailored to intergalactic trade and work the governmental machine there. You have an issue around refugee movement through your border? That’s sub-senate room AA-3112 that you’re looking for, though they meet only once a month. You want to talk to the people who manage the schedule and what’s generally to be discussed across all the governing bodies? Well then you need to talk to the Senior Senate, but they never take appointments. Ever.

It might sound like a gigantic bureaucratic mess that exists solely to self-propagate it’s own top-heaviness, but…

…uh…

Well. I mean, it does allow subject matter experts to directly weigh in on legislation, and it’s not like the senators didn’t talk to each other in-between sessions or rely on separate resources.

The average citizen’s overall attitude was “eh. It could be worse. At least we’re not anarcho-capitalists.”

However, none of this was going to help Mateo get through his day. His office – and the office of most of his support team and fellow senators – still followed the 10+hrs/day, 5+days/wk work schedule of the old-school Wall Street firms; demands happen all over the planet at all times of the day – and that’s not counting support for ex-solar humans as well – and so his office needed to stay responsive and up to speed at all times. Most other member species did this by having staff that measured in the hundreds of thousands.

Mateo did this with borderline illegal amounts of caffeine.

The subconscious twitch shaking his left eye had nothing to do with his caffeine intake, either. No, it very much had everything to do with the Karnakian Senior Senator that decided to walk into his human-scaled office and take a seat on his Italian leather couch.

The fact that she did this while Mateo was in the middle of a meeting didn’t seem to phase her. Nor did the fact that she sat down in between the two people he was meeting with seem to bother her at all – in fact, it did quite the opposite.

“S…so…we’ll…discuss the reallocation of funds for destroying the Three Gorges Dam and the subsequent environmental re-stabilization of that particular part of the Chinese Territory once we finish dismantling the Hoover Dam – which should be finished sometime aro-can you please stop that.” Snapped Dr. Wagner, flinging his arm up to bat away at the enveloping feather-shroud that threatened to cover his vision.

“I mean, it’s – her feathers are pretty soft.” Ventured Dr.Liu, resting her hands in her lap – more to keep her paperwork steady as opposed to any sort of demure body language as a Karnakian ‘wing’ wrapped around her shoulders.

“[I am here to help!]” Chirped Senior Senator, Beacon-of-Light, Follower of the 9th path Bretheren-Sister-Matron Ti’Shek’qc, shimmying slightly in place to expand her torso’s….fluff.

“If that’s the case why did you barge into my private meeting?” Mateo complained, not for the first time. “We’re trying to figure out how to best allocate this year’s environmental resource stipend, and we have a very full schedule.”

“[Well, I have something here that will be very helpful, but I can’t wait 5 of your months before we have our initial official conversation. So, I figured I would stop by and have a – you call them social calls? A social call.]” Ti’Shek’qc said, her crested feathers rippling in a nod to herself. “[And we are being sociable, yes?]”

Mateo inhaled sharply, paused, and then sighed. He drummed his fingers against his desk before leaning back, continuing the motion of both nervous/stress tics.

“You do realize my office is sovereign Terran territory, correct? Barging in, unannounced, unwelcomed, kinda echoes…”

He let the implication fall over the room, and for her part the Karnakian had the good sense to lose her chipper attitude. “[Yes, this is a good point, however, since this is a social call that would mean I’ve been invited-]”

“To a private discus-”

“You’re not going to leave until you have a private meeting with me, are you.” Mateo said, not so much asking a question as coming to a realization, interrupting Dr. Wagner in the process.

Ti’Shek’qc smiled to herself and began to silently fuss over her immaculate feathers, preening simply to drag out the silence. Mateo had been in the business long enough to notice a few tells – some would forever be beyond him – but he knew enough to know she was smug.

Mateo hated it when xenos were smug.

“Alright. It better be good.” Mateo capitulated, crossing his arms as he leaned back in his chair.

Ti’Shek’qc sat comfortably on the couch, saying nothing, causing Mateo to frown for a totally different set of reasons.

“Listen, I may not be strong enough to move you but I will have you leave this off-”

“Dr. Wagner, Dr. Liu, thank you both very much for your time. Your combined efforts into the revitalization of our biosphere will not have gone unnoticed – I’ll wholeheartedly push for an additional 80,000 tons of material and the subsequent materiel to continue healing our planet.”

Dr. Liu jumped at the sudden dismissal and shimmied herself out of the Karnakian’s fluffy grasp, rising to her feet. “Senator, are you serious?! The acidification of the Pacific is a far more-”

“Thank you, both of you. Please inform my assistant outside that my schedule is to be cleared for the day.”

Dr. Liu and Dr. Wagner shared a look with each other – well, with each other and a very smugKarnakian, before silently grabbing their documents, files, examples and other bric-a-brac and leaving. The silence began after the door was shut a little too hard, leaving the two Senior Senators staring at each other from across a mahogany desk.

Mateo shifted in his chair.

Ti’Shek’qc settled a little more comfortably on Mateo’s couch, the cracking protest of wood causing both of them to flinch.

“Again?”

“[Mmm, you should have a room-integrated nanofabricator for this kind of-]”

“Bah.” Mateo waved his hand dismissively. “It fixes things down to the molecule, but it misses… I don’t know. The repairs just seem too perfect.”

“[Well, striving for perfection in all things brings us closer to The Great One.]”

“Ah. Well. Speaking about striving – what is going on? Apparently you need to talk to me about something that’s time-critical and off the books, so spill it.”

“[A report was given to my office, as well as the offices of the [Dorarizin] and the [Jornissian] [Human]-relations offices.]”

“So you’re here to deliver my copy?”

“[No. You’ll never get this report. At least, you’re not ever supposed to.]”

“Aaah. The ol’ Sao Paulo Paycheck. Alright, what’s your price?”

“[Normalized relations between [Humans] and Karnakians, the removal of the service prohibition across all employment sectors, standardized trade terms in line with the rest of the Senate species and 20TB of banned media – of my choice.]”

Mateo, for the first time in many, many days, began to laugh. It started as a chuckle, but as Ti’Shek’qc continued it ended up as Superlative Laughter – the very highest form of laughter, as all learned people know. He continued to laugh after she finished, and for quite a few minutes after; dying down at first, but only to redouble once he realized that she was serious.

Ti’Shek’qc huffed and tapped her feet against the ground while her counterpart continued. After an indeterminable amount of time the laughter finally died down, Mateo – now red-faced – wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Good GOD did I need that! Honestly, I’ll get you a banned movie just for that – hoo – that joke. Well done! But, but seriously – what did you want for that report?”

“[Exactly everything I said.]” Ti’Shek’qc replied.

“I can’t do that-”

“[You’re the lead Senator for [Humanity], you can pull some strings-]”

“Your people invaded Earth, and those who survived are still alive. Hell, my dad told me about when you guys wrecked Sao Luis as you swept down through South America from the Caribbean-]”

“[Accidents happen-]”

“Bullshit. Atlanta might have been an accident, but the rest-”

“[Regardless, we’re asking you because tomorrow there’s going to be an emergency Senate vote based off of this report.]”

“Alright, so how does that tie into Mankind?”

“[We know about the [meme]s.”

Without betraying a single thing Mateo leaned forward, resting his forearms on his desk, clasping his hands together. “I speak on behalf of the Human Senate Offices as well as the United Nations in saying that we have no idea-”

“[The ones manufactured by the OIH.]”

“-and those rogue elements who have betrayed the trust of us all will be rooted out and tried for their crimes-”

“[We know why you’ve made them as well.]” Ti’Shek’qc said, softly. It was enough – Mateo stopped talking immediately, his mouth opening and closing a few times as his brain tried to come up with something to say.

It was having a hard time between “say something bullshittery to buy yourself time” and “Oh god the dinosaur knows and I’m all alone with it”, but muscle memory kicked in – his right hand shot down and punched into a false side under his desk, flipping a switch that was installed for only the most dire of needs.

Somewhere, out in high earth orbit, the Hubble began to glow an ominous red.

“[A-are you ok? It sounded like you punched-]”

“FINE. F-fine. We’re fine. We’re all going to be fine. Fine. Wh. What do you want?”

Ti’Shek’qc sighed, running her claws against her teeth in a plaintive gesture for her species. “[Everything I said. We… we are truly sorry for doing that to you – to you, your people, your world. The Holy Diarchy has been trying to find a way to make amends, but. Well.]”

“So this report.” Mateo said, speaking loud enough for the recording equipment to pick up. “Why is it worth… so much?”

“[Because tomorrow the Senate will hold an emergency vote, feign being upset and in the spirit of aiding your species request that they have more access to [Earth] in an attempt to normalize [Human]-Xenospecies relations.]”

“B-but that’s forbidden under the Icelandic Treaties. You can’t step foot on Terran soil.”

“[No, we very much can, which is why I’m here. You don’t have the military to stop us and you don’t have the votes. Three races-]”

“-got the report, right. Right. So it’ll be unanimous across the board with one dissenting vote, and then you invade earth properly this time.” He growled, his fists clenched impotently on his desk.

Ti’Shek’qc grimaced. “[N-no. They’d just want access to major cities, free travel – it’s all outlined. Maybe a few semi-permanent residents, but other than that nothing else.]”

“It might as well be an invasion. Hell, our population is already draining due to …well.” Mateo waved his hand at the general direction of earth through the wall. “So. So why are you here, then? Isn’t this what you want? More access to us? More culture to mine? More people to take?”

“[’A fat szikli is only pregnant with poison’. It is what we want, yes, but not how we want it. We’d never be truly welcome, we’d never be friends, we’d never sit at the table as brothers if we force ourselves upon you. We are willing to…give you the report, as well as additional information that will allow you to . . . Change the direction of the debate.]”

“. . . But that does me no good if we’re still a minority position-”

“[We will be voting against the measure – I, I have already seen to it, regardless of what happens here in this room.]”

There was another long pause as Mateo studied his colleague and counterpart, the stress of the past few minutes working it’s way through and out of the man.

“[…the ‘information’ that I would give you to change the discourse would also, most likely, change everything.]”

“Everything how?”

“[Ah. No tasting the porridge before it’s baked. I need you to pull those strings.]”

“Well Fuck.” Mateo breathed, running his hands over his face and through his hair. “Either commit political suicide or allow the Earth to be invaded through bureaucracy? What options do I really have here?!”

“[I don’t know, but to whomever is listening in – it really is good information, and we really are on your side.]”

“Wh – you kn-”

“[I felt it click on.]”

“It’s a completely digital switch-”

Ti’Shek’qc shrugged, exasperatedly. “[I’m just saying, I felt it click on! That’s all! It’s also quite staticky, if that word translates.]”

“I just. Fine. Fuck it, fine. You got me in your corner-” The Karnakian smiled wide, and for the first time in many weeks a human didn’t reflexively flinch at the sight. Mateo, in fact, was leaned over the desk, finger pointed harshly at his co-conspirator. “But this intel better be the best fucking thing I’ve ever seen. What is it?”

Ti’Shek’qc slipped her hand into her vest’s front pocket, pulling out both a data chip and a small mechanical tool. She placed the chip – a rectangle about an inch high and 5 inches square, made out of a network of glowing crystals and nth-dimensional circuitry – onto his desk. “[That’s The Report and all correlated evidence, including quantum-time stamps, interviews – everything.]”

Without skipping a beat Mateo stood up with the chip and walked over to his door. As soon as he approached it two men in vantablack suits opened the door, and the chip traded hands. No greetings, no words were spoken – Mateo spun on his heel and the door clicked shut unceremoniously behind him.

“Alright. My boys will look it over- and what the hell is that for?”

“[It’s an implant modification device. What it does is-]”

“No, I mean, I know what it is – I had my ‘bead installed like everyone else. I mean, what is it for?”

“[It is for giving you the second piece of evidence. I am going to update your translator to a more… correct version. Then I want you to ask me to tell you everything I know about [Human]s.]”

“…You’ve fucked with our translators. Do you realize wh-”

“[It is not making them in error, [Mateo]. Simply, the translators omit certain key phrases that might give you more context for your debate tomorrow.]”

“….fine. Fuck it.” Senator Mateus Carvalho Araujo dropped his head on his desk with a hollow-sounding thunk. “Just do it.”

“[Already done.]” Ti’Shek’qc said, the little device in her hand giving out a happy beep. “[Though I suggest not updating everyone’s communication device – it would cause problems. You and the rest of your team, however, I think would be appropriate.]”

“My team? Right, right. Alright.” Mateo said, rubbing his ear to get the ringing to stop. “So tell me about Humanity.”

And Ti’Shek’qc did, using only the textbook definitions, the commonly-known history, and the OIH-approved culture artifacts that were provided. And as she did these innocent things, Mateo stared at her, his jaw slack. He said nothing, only his face betraying a look of more and more confusion, shock, and disbelief. Slowly he reached down and opened a bottom drawer to his desk and pulled out a bottle of scotch – 25 year, for what it’s worth – and uncorked it.

He drank the whole thing without a glass in sight.

Tags Sci-Fi, They are Smol, Comedy, Cute, Smol

They are Smol: Chapter 14

Post author By TPH
Post date January 6, 2019
No Comments on They are Smol: Chapter 14

What Happen in last episode:

The Truth(tm) came out
Caroline can aggressively nap
Admiral Var’Shrak can’t move or else he’ll wake her up and then his day will be ruined

This episode:

We compare notes
The adults need an adult
I am the senate

————————————————————————————————————

The problem with transporting [Human]s are, fundamentally, that they’re somewhat fragile. This means as a host species you’ve got to figure out ways of transporting a [Human] from point A to point B with minimal – and preferably no damage whatsoever.

Having them move under their own power is absolutely option #1. A significant amount of stations have begun adopting the moving [sidewalk] method over their longer stretches of corridor, and as long as there’s enough notification signage, forewarning, installed railing, grip-modified flooring and it isn’t moving too fast, they’ve been met with great success.

However, the safety-nets at the end of each platform were a bit too much, most non-Karnakian species agreed.

When [Humans] are unable to move under their own power (or are just too slow), option #2 is to have a [Human]-created mobility device installed or manufactured on station/ship. This could be anything from a wheel-chair, which is a very sturdy seat on wheels, to “roller blades”, which are a very concerning type of boot, to [golf]-carts – which not only are safer, but even come with added carrying capacity!

Due to the inherently physically unstable nature of [Humans], wheeled hoverboards are, of course, universally banned.

Option #3 is usually almost completely filled with emergency options, or options of last-resort; a [Human]-calibrated escape pod, for instance, a heavily-modified shuttlecraft or empty construction drone will do in a pinch. Although a [Human] can definitely use one, it’s…it’s going to be difficult for everyone involved, there will be injuries and there willbe paperwork afterwards.

So imagine everyone’s surprise, then, when Option #4 was unanimously selected by [Bill]’s denmate-ball: They would have to carry him to safety. As a unit [Bill]’s denmates stood up, making sure not to crush, twist, or rend their smaller crewmate.

“[Holy shit please let me out I didn’-]”

Arms bent at weird angles, wrists twisted in odd configurations, claws sheathed, about a half-dozen paws began to pat [Bill] on whatever body part was in reach. He squirmed in surprise for a few moments before staying still.

The patting stopped, and the murderball moved forward.

“[…C-can you at least tell me where we’re going?! Look, It’s not – the [memes] aren’t-]”

The patting resumed. [Bill] stopped complaining, and after a few more minutes of being gently batted around the ball stopped petting him, picked itself up and began shuffling out of the hangar. [Bill] watched with growing curiosity as they moved, slowly, from hallway to hallway until he eventually recognized his off-duty wing.

The ball never stopped being a ‘ball’; not when it walked through the dormitory halls, not when it finally found [Bill]’s room, and – somehow – not even when it squeezed through a doorway far too small for it’s bulk. The only time the ball started to lose cohesion was ontop of [Bill]’s bed, and even then, it more or less just formed a lump.

A comfortable, fluffy lump.

The reason why was apparent to any Dorarizin there – Sgt. Rauleh-of-Ngraren was following the murderball the entire time, growling soft responses to questions only she could hear. Although the danger of the station rending the [Human] limb-from-limb had since passed, she was still a female, and [Bill] was still mostly scentless. The murderball agreed: it was better safe than sorry.

“[…are – are we done now? I – I’m only feeling one pat, so I’m assuming that’s a yes.]” [Bill], the juicy center of the murderball said. “[Look-]”

“{We’re – you’re not in trouble, [Bill]. We just…noticed some irregularities, and, ah.}” Rauleh mouthed a few words silently, listening to silent instructions. “{…want to understand the significant cultural and social applications of [Human] edited-}”

“[Hi Rauleh’s handler~]” [Bill] cooed playfully.

Rauleh’s face soured a bit before her ears flicked back in irritation. “{T’ch. Fine. I’ll claw directly at yo-}”

The murderball tensed up, and only after a few minutes of patting did Rauleh continue. “{Sorry… it’s a phrase. I’ll be direct? Direct with you. A [Jornissian] ship discovered [memes] from their resident [Human]-}”

“[Hah! I’m not gonna be court marshaled~]”

“{So it’s a military secret? Cultural?}”

“[What? No. It’s…look, whoever that is I really appreciate the enthusiasm but that’s an erogenous zone-]”

There was a slight pause, and a shift in the lump.

“[…I didn’t say stop.]”

There was another longer pause, and then a second reluctant shift in the lump.

“[So… as I was saying…]” [Bill] murmured, “[If someone can get me the remote to my terminal?]”

Over the course of the next few hours, [Bill], The murderball, Rauleh-of-Ngraren and Zgren-Ngraren-of-Arzerghr all learned a little bit more about themselves, and the universe at large.

There was an orange pip in his eye.

Without moving a single muscle – really, just using his thoughts, Admiral Var’Shrak parsed exactly who was calling him, hesitated for only a moment, and then answered the call. On the screen in the lounge a graying Dorarizin sprung to life, and before he realized the call went through Var’Shrak muted the audio and routed it to his implant.

“[Admiral Var’Shrak. May your coils never slip.]” Zgren-Ngraren-of-Arzerghr said, an odd emotion plastered on his face. “[I have…news.]”

“<As do I.>” Var’Shrak subvocalized, barely forming an audible whisper. “<They’re scared of us.>”

The Dorarizin clicked his teeth. “[That’s the long and short of it, yes. It reminds me of pups barking at the dark – false bravado and all that. It can be overcome, apparently, with training and support.]”

“<But do we want to put them in that position? Forever? Always being afraid – is that any way to live?>”

“[Well that’s a very dark thought. Speaking of, why are the lights dimmed? I hope I didn’t wake you-]”

“<Our, ah. [Human], [Caroline], got so angry she had to take a nap.>” Var’Shrak said, matter-of-factly.

He really did enjoy the range of emotions that played across the Dorarizin’s face: surprise, disbelief, a fleeting explosion of uncontrollable glee before a quick half-assed tamp-down back to stoic professionalism. “[I uh. I see. I did not know their species… did that.]”

“<It seems today is a day of learning for us all.>”

There was a short pause, before the Dorarizin leaned in conspiratorially. “[You…did record it, right?]”

“<By Sotek yes I did. And maybe.>” Var’Shrak replied, staying perfectly still.

“[Hmph. Well, this answers your question from earlier. No. We’re not going to abandon them; we can’t. Eventually they’ll come after us, anyway.]”

“<It’s not right.>”

“[It’s unprecedented, yes.]”

“<It’s not right to live in fear.>”

“[No… but. Well. I think this will fade with time – or with, uh. Proper intervention.]”

There was a pregnant pause, and [Caroline] took this time to roll over, murmuring a nonsensical complaint.

“[Oh, oh! She’s-]”

“<No notice, just dropped in.>”

“[How long-]”

“<About 6 of her hours. I think we’re almost through an entire night cycle.>”

“[Hah. I both do and don’t envy you.]”

There was another still pause as the two aliens looked down at the sleeping [Human]. “<You’re going to go to the Senate with this, aren’t you?>” Var’Shrak finally said, looking up at his counterpart. The Dorarizin sighed and agreed. “[This is something that the Senate could use as leverage to-]”

“<LEV->” Var’Shrak roared, but quickly remembered himself, going from a yell to a frantic whisper. “<Leverage?! What do they have that we would – Zgren-Ngraren-of-Arzerghr what in the frozen Hell->”

“[Calm yourself, friend. I simply wish to help them-]”

“<And putting their scales against the mountain does this how?>”

“[The [Humans] have a phrase that I like, if you understand the context. I think it’s very apt to use it here.]”

“<That phrase being?>”

“[Baptism by Fire].”

Var’Shrak didn’t move, and didn’t blink. His face soured as Zgren-Ngraren-of-Arzerghr began to explain his idea, and with bitter thoughts an inevitable realization hit him: He was right.

Zgren was right, and damn each and every one of his scales, Var’Shrak was going to support him.

For all that’s been said about it, both good and bad, nobody could disagree that the Galactic Senate held the largest and most complete stranglehold of power in the Galaxy.

This was achieved by ancient and dark rites such as trade negotiations, byzantine paperwork, proper and equal representation of species, a very good marketing team and the very small fact that the largest central governments of each species were all members of the Senate and would happily curbstomp any little upstart who dared disturb the status quo.

Representation in the Senate was surprisingly streamlined and straightforward. Each species had their own ways of electing a Senator, and each species had their own amounts of Senators, but each species also had only one vote. You could be elected, ordained, voluntold – however you got there, you ended up in the melting pot, the nexus of interstellar commerce, culture and might. Whatever you brought to the table would be incorporated into the team you were put on, and through the power of bureaucracy your contributions would end up as nameless attributions to part of a trade deal that outlawed the Zerblum, but only if you didn’t claim that the insect was part of a religious ritual, and only around certain non-yellow stars. As long as a simple majority (2/3 before [Humanity], now 3/4) voted in favor of your particular proposal it was put into law and enacted. Repealing worked exactly the same way, and revisions – well.

That just took forever.

The average citizen rarely interacted with the Senate; it was a nebulous thing that did stuff and then somehow your life was impacted. As long as the trade lanes stayed open, war stayed on the fringes as a distant memory and there was enough space to grow, people were content.

So given the Senate’s size and complexity it was a minor miracle that Zgren-Ngraren-of-Arzerghr was able to compile and submit a joint report to the Senate in only 3 months. The delay was unavoidable; although both Admiral Var’Shrak and Zgren-Ngraren-of-Arzerghr were in very high positions and normally could get a Senator’s ear, they had to deal with federal and imperial inquisitions respectively, safety checks and inspections(both species-specific and senate-ordained), a human-Dorarizin den request (which raised a few eyebrows) and creating a new safety course for Jorissians on ‘how not to be suplexed repeatedly by a [Human]: a 12 step guide.’ (which raised even more eyebrows).

The Report, as it would come to be known, was a stand-alone binder filled with files, documentation, stamped paperwork, audio and visual interviews and various biometric data, eventually made its way to three species, and more specifically, to their respective Directors of [Human] Interaction. As each package was opened up, a simple plea unfolded; it both gave context to what the Senators would soon learn, but it also planted a small seed. A seed that, if the assembled races worked together, would give them something that they’ve been craving for years.

IF they played their cards right, and IF the [Humans] would react as their data models showed, and IF the idea could be positioned properly, then maybe, for the first time as allies, the Galactic community would be allowed to walk unfettered on the Earth.

Tags 1, 2, 3, Sci-Fi, 4, They are Smol, Comedy, Cute, Smol

They are Smol Stories

They are Smol: Chapter 13

Post author By TPH
Post date January 6, 2019
No Comments on They are Smol: Chapter 13

Last Chapter:

The humans are safe! All hail Dorarizin safety training!

This Chapter:

It’s In-tea-rrogation time!
- I’m not sorry

————————————————————————————————————

He had faced multiple live-fire engagements in his younger days, even a few ‘hot drops’. He pulled his friends from the line of fire, made hard decisions…had some friends not come home – both from a rebel’s hand, or from his own orders.

He had moved through the ranks. Led his people through both victory and defeat. Taken the blame and the glory. Through mentorship, trial, luck, error and sheer determination he had become a leader worthy of commanding the lives of 50,000 fellow shipmen, not including the associated marines and ground personnel that were under his leadership.

In all of this, he had projected a stoic, calculating demeanor. In every trial, in every scenario where everything is on fire and the blood is on his hands, he did his damndest to at least seem like he knew what he was doing. The facade he projected – the mask he wore – was as much a part of his rank as the gems clamped onto his hood.

However, today, Admiral Var’Shrak clenched his jaw for the umpteenth time and willed himself not to cry.

“<Caroline.>” He said, as even as possible. “<Please. Just a little, ok?>”

From the pile of upturned and requisitioned perch-padding came a soft whimper. Only by the grace of his anatomy could he see into the utter darkness of the pillow-cave, staring directly into the wet, red eyes of the resident [Human].

She was clutching a blanket tightly to her torso, wringing the fabric in her chapped, red hands.

Admiral Var’Shrak gently nudged the plate of snacks towards the blanket-cave, causing [Caroline] to shrink back slightly.

“<It’s ok, it’s ok – it’s just some tea-cakes. It’s sweet, see?>” He picks up one of the small disks, and making a show of breaking it in half he eats it, slowly. “<See? It’s good!>”

Painfully slow to him, but lightning-fast for the [Human] she flung her hand out and gripped a handful of cookies, pulling them back into the safety of her cave. Var’Shrak lowered himself closer to the ground, doing his best to seem small and unimposing – and to get a slightly better view of the [Human]. She sniffed at the wafer hesitantly, before looking at Var’Shrak and taking a bite.

The click of her teeth on the cookie caused both of them to flinch.

“” He said, losing heart halfway through his suggestion as [Caroline] worked her mouth slightly, scattering the wafers inside her cave. He was met with a noncommital murmur – at least the crying had well and truly stopped, but whether that was due to [Caroline] realizing that she was truly in no danger or that she had exhausted herself, Var’Shrak couldn’t say. Deliberately slowly he reached for a second tray, placing before the cushion-cave a set of drinks; various teas, water, and [soda]-analogues. Thinking beforehand this time he opened all their pouches, leaning back to give [Caroline] some space.

She reached for one of the flavored teas, seeming to pick one out at random. Slowly she pulled the oversized pouch into her cave, taking a tentative sip from the rim.

Another happy universal constant: At some point in every species’ infancy some genius got the idea to take a bunch of plants, boil them an take a swig. Sometimes it worked and a new beverage was discovered! Sometimes it didn’t work and a new poison was discovered – which could be a success, depending on what you were going for. Regardless, warm tea and comfy blankets seemed to comfort the small [Human], and her soft complaints all but stopped.

They stayed like that for a few minutes; [Caroline] taking a sip of ‘tea’, Var’Shrak watching her with a neutral, if worried expression.

“<[Caroline]?>” Var’Shrak said softly, causing her to jump. “<[Caroline], You’re not in any trouble. I just want to talk with you, ok? Can we talk?>”

[Caroline] gave what his crash-course in [Human] body language told him was a ‘nod’ of affirmation, and Var’Shrak relaxed slightly.

“<Ok. Can you please tell me what a [meme] is?>”

[Caroline] giggled at that – which was good! – and pursed her lips, rolling her shoulders slightly. “[It’s…it’s like a joke. It’s a visual cultural joke, but it can also be musical? I guess?]”

“<Alright. Were your people producing [meme]s before first contact?>”

“[I uh. I mean, yeah. Memes really took off when the internet became ubiquitous, but, hell. There could have been ancient memes lost to time for all we know. We just have a better record of it, because yanno – once it’s on the network it’s out there forever.]”

Admiral Var’Shrak nodded – mimicking the alien gesture of his guest – and rested on his coils. “<Well. The Senate->” Var’Shrak flinched as he saw [Caroline] flinch, and quickly finished his thought, “<-won’t stop [Humans] from making [meme]s, especially if it’s part of your culture from pre-contact. This just seems to be a cultural artifact that our [Anthropologists] didn’t recognize, which means it’s our fault if anything.>”

Admiral Var’Shrak was many things, and smooth was in fact, one of them. He waited a few seconds, and with a sigh (and a deep drought of the cooling tea) [Caroline] took the lure.

“[It’s not… we hid it from you on purpose. It’s not your fault.]”

“<Why?>”

[Caroline] scrunched her nose and looked incredulously at Var’Shrak – for his part, he just waited, neutral mask forced upon his face.

“[Really?]”

Var’Shrak repeated the alien ‘nodding’ gesture. “<Really. Again, you and [Humanity] in general are not in any trouble – I just want to learn, is all.>”

[Caroline] looked into her bag of tea and gently set it down between her legs, mumbling something too soft for even Var’Shrak to hear, her voice broken only by a small yawn.

“<Sorry? Could you please repeat that?>”

“[We’re scared.]” She replied, no louder than before – but somehow, the weight of those words were deafening as they slammed against him. Admiral Var’Shrak recoiled slowly in dumb shock; a thousand questions roiled through his mind, each one darker than the last.

“<Has any interstellar faction threatened you, your species or your planet?>”

“[Wh- oh! Oh, no! I uh. We, [Humans], are scared of you. Of all of you. Of the entire Senate.]”

Silence.

“<Wh->” Var’Shrak cleared his throat, resting his hands in his lap. He took a few moments to gather his thoughts before responding as slowly and purposefully as possible. “<Why are you afraid of us?>”

“[Because – because just look at you all!]” A tiny hand flung out of the safety of the cave in his direction, waving about frantically. “[You’re big and strong and powerful and technologically advanced and weird and just – just, you could annihilate us without even feeling it! Not just in terms of a civilization-wide fight, I mean just… if you, if you got angry at me and… I’m not that quick…]”

Var’Shrak swallowed, hard, as the implications made themselves known. “<I…is every [Human] afraid of us?>”

“[I mean – no, but. Ugh.]” [Caroline] reached forward and aggressively took a drink of her tea, setting it back down infront of her. “[It’s a spectrum. Some think you’re here to enslave us, most of us are positive towards you – curing every disease, providing infinite power, unfucking our planet’s biosphere and giving us a post-scarcity society will win you all the [Brownie] points. A… not insignificant number are even ah, attracted to you. I mean, not you personally – but I’m sure you’re a, uh, good looking [Jornissian] and I’m not saying that a [Human] wouldn’t be intere-]”

[Caroline] stopped her rambling to take a drink as Var’Shrak’s mind shifted an entirely different set of gears, popped the clutch and then stalled out.

“[It’s um. You’ve… always had other species to talk to. I mean, in your cultural memory. We haven’t.]”

“<But shouldn’t that be a cause of joy?>” he ventured, grasping at straws.

“[It is – trust me – it is. But, it’s also, uh. There’s no really easy way to put this – you’re alien.]”

Var’Shrak blinked and clicked his tail against the decking, narrowing his eyes. “<Did… are you saying [Humans] haven’t fully realized we’re not their species?>”

“[Oh, no no. Just…well, ok. Imagine you’re me for a second. You’re used to the sound of feet on the floor, of [Human] mannerisms your entire life, of slang and body language and food and music and sights and smells. Not only that, but also proportions; the doors are just so high, the beds are just so arranged, the eating utensils look like they do, the toilets…]”

“”

“[Mmm. Not only are you used to this, but your entire species for it’s entire history is used to things being just so. To be out of that environment, and in one that’s – it’s alien. So sometimes, well. This is why we have to consume Home media – it gives us some normalcy, or so the [psychoanalysts] say.]” [Caroline] sighs, stretching.

“<And memes about us are normal?>”

“[W-well, no. That’s… more for when we’re ah, freaking out about being alone – about being the only [Human], I mean. It kinda…makes you cute to us? They’re not spiteful memes, just playful ones to make you not so, uh. Deadly.]”

“”

“[I just-]” [Caroline] yawned, her whole body shuddering. “[I just don’t know how the terminal screwed up… or why that elicited a full, uh. Special Operations team? To break into my room and kidnap me?]” she ended on a question, looking at Var’Shrak curiously.

“<Ah, then it’s my turn to be honest.>” Var’Shrak smiled, stretching up a little straighter. “<Some enterprising young deckhands – a Mr.Ssharnak and a Ms.Ashhs’skk – apparently found a way to install a physical override onto your terminal, probably when you were out.>”

The pillow cave became deathly still.

“<So, they apparently streamed your terminal to their own, and it became a bit of a sensation on the ship. When->”

The pillow cave exploded, circular perch-covers flung to the far ends of the room. Standing before him, bleary-eyed, wet spot on her crotch and arms raised in a triumph of rage, [Caroline] let out a furious roar.

“[THOSE SLITHERY LITTLE FUCKS BROKE INTO MY ROOM?! I’LL KILL THEM!]”

Var’Shrak leaned slightly to the right, avoiding a particularly high-velocity pillow. “” ‘but after what they’ve put me through’, thought Var’Shrak, ‘I’ll damn well make sure they’re cleaning comet trails by hand for the rest of their careers.’

“[I’m gonna- I’m gonna. Just. NNNGH. Why am I not angrier?!]” [Caroline] suddenly said as another tremendous yawn wracked her body. “[What was… what was that tea?]”

“<Gres’sken-leaf and petal. It is very safe for [Human] consumption…>” Var’Shrak trailed off as he accessed his internal implant, pulling up information on the plant. “<The tea is very high in iron, potassium, melatonin, keratin->”

“[Mmf. Melatonin? That – that makes us sleep. Sleepy.]” [Caroline] groused, rubbing her face a bit too vigorously.

“<Oh.>” Var’Shrak said softly.

[Caroline] fumed for a second before glaring at Var’Shrak. She pointed at him accusingly with a single, drooping finger. “[I am gonna take a nap and then I am going to be angry at them again, ok?]”

“<Okay.>” Var’Shrak said, desperately trying to hide his smile. “<Would you like me to->”

“[N. Noh. This is a-]” [Caroline] inhaled sharply, but powered through it. “[-an inconvenience to me, so I’m gonna return the favor. Loosen up.]”

“<Excuse me?>” Admiral Var’Shrak said, tilting his head as [Caroline] brazenly stepped forward. Without so much as an explanation, invite, or indication she full-body fell on the [Jornissian], curling up into a ball within his coils.

“<I… what.>”

“[Remind me to be angry when I wake up.]” [Caroline] murmured, the exhaustion of the day finally catching up to her.

“<Hah. So whatever happened to being afraid of us?>” Var’Shrak mused. But he did so to himself, as [Caroline]’s only response was soft, shallow breathing.

After only five minutes, Var’Shrak was unable to hide his smile.

Tags Sci-Fi, They are Smol, Comedy, Cute, Smol

They are Smol Stories

They are Smol: Chapter 12

So what happen since last time? Simple:

Greweh protected the human
- He protected him so good that other Dorarizin couldn’t believe it and they had to come and check
  - Bill is having a great time – those are screams of joy don’t listen to anyone telling you otherwise
Grashak is still a good doggo
Everyone gets free showers
- Rauleh is in trouble for giving away free showers and absolutely nothing else
Rezfran is too old for this shit
- He’s gonna embargo humans after this, just you wait. Right after this baby-swimming youtube video finishes, he’s gonna do it. Any minute now. You’ll see.

What happen this time?

lol iunno I write this shit with no prewriting

————————————————————————————————————

The deck was finally silent. Well. Mostly silent.

This, in and of itself, was a massive achievement. It took another 5 minutes of dexterous leaping, strategic feints, the impromptu use of environmental hazards/pocket moonsand and one very lucky toss with the emergency blanket to pull out the last power tab of Bill’s suit. Over the tirade of the Head Administrator (who was doing nothing to help morale) Bill’s denmates were able to carve him out of the suit with their bare teeth and claws and form a protective barrier between him and the rest of the crew, and really, the world. Everything finally worked out in the end.

They just had to ignore all the screaming.

You have to understand, the Dorarizin were there to protect Bill, but he had long checked out into “fight or flight” mode – and before you judge, you tell me how you’d react to innumerable claws and three rows of teeth gnawing into your cockpit as the power flickers out.

Yeah, I thought so.

So, like I was saying, the deck was mostly silent, save for Sgt. Rauleh-of-Nragren. She wasn’t delivering so much a chewing-out as it was just a 5 minute long wordless scream of exasperation. At least, that’s what the cuddle-pile-formerly-known-as-Bill thought it sounded like. In between the mass of fur and arms and … claws and teeth he could see Rauleh-of-Nragren alternate between yelling something at the crew, making desperate swipes at Grapes, and then seemingly bark at nothing at all. As Bill’s heart rate slowly went from “amphetamine addict on caffeine” to “uphill kenyan footrace” he noticed how chastised the crew looked, and how as one they flinched when a particularly loud scream-click would reverberate off of the metal walls. Bill sighed internally. Turns out, guilt is one of the few things more powerful than fear. Squirming in the fluffy-warm safety-hug, Bill was finally able to pop his head out under what seemed like an arm and someone else’s cheek.

“Ffhey! Vhloock, Hi’me fhinmeh. Breallrehy!” he protested, his cheeks smushed against his jaw by the weight of his denmates, slurring his speech.

Sgt. Rauleh paused in her tirade to stare at Bill for a few moments, before waving at him with a free hand and continuing her rant.

“Hime fhan.”

“?Rewr-‘!’ngrah SRESH N”GRKKLER!?” Rauleh yelled, rounding on the rest of the crew. “?N’GRak! RESMN RGREF WE’RRGLREZXK.?”

“Hime fhan tho.”

“?R’EZRE. ‘F”RAGN.?”

“S’chfhain. Rhellheh. Yhewswher hhthe hwonsh fweekin houht.”

Rauleh paused, her ears twitching in fury, before letting out a long, low, guttural clicking-growl, angrily falling on her haunches.

“Athideths hapeh.”

Rauleh shared a look with Bill that caused his murderball^tm to tense up slightly, but he beamed confidence.

“Vuh ih hokai. Thhih ih hobw bwe lurrh!”

Rauleh, for her part, just whined.

Sgt. Rauleh-of-Ngraren was furious enough to scent shadows.

There were at least 87,000 other mining stations that had put in a request for a [human] in the year she sent in her requisition, and she knew that it was only her constant petitioning (and a little kindness from her father) that she was able to secure a single position out of an entire pool of 500 [human] applicants.

What her father could not help with was the mandatory 2-year gamut of sensor re-calibration, physical remodeling, general sapience training and advanced sapience training, stocking specialized food and medicine (and the subsequent training her medical and kitchen staff had to go through), additional specialized safety equipment, additional recreation and training equipment, escape pods, schedule changes, random Imperial inspections, customized gear, customized sanitation booths (because [humans] apparently need water in pretty much everything they do) and the assorted infighting over who gets to do what with the [human] and when. At any point their entire station could be flunked, and with that K%’-grade there would be no way her father could comb a few tails and get her a [human]. Somehow, some way, they passed. They passed after two years of hell, and now it could all be for nothing-

“{-BECAUSE NOBODY HERE FOLLOWED PROPER PROCEDURE. BY THE FIRST PACK, DO YOU WANT TO BE THE ONES TO KILL A [HUMAN] FIRST? DO YOU DESIRE TO TASTE HIS BLOOD THAT BADLY?}” She rounded on her crew, who flinched back.

“{AND NOW – NOW, BECAUSE OF THIS COMBINED IDIOCY, BECAUSE EVERYONE ABANDONED THEIR POSTS, WE HAVE DAMAGED A CONSTRUCTION DRONE, THE ENTIRE FUCKING HANGAR, PUT OURSELVES HALF A YEAR BEHIND SCHEDULE AND ENDANGERED [BILL]’S LIFE! MULTIPLE TIMES – IN ONE DAY!}”

Out of the corner of her eye she noticed the pile of denmates shift a little, and between two males a small, flat, furless face popped out. It was slightly redder than usual, and kinda smushed – but it was practically determined to give it’s two cents.

“[(error: slurred speech. Re-translating with 99.98% estimated accuracy) Hey! Look, I’m fine. Really!]”

Rauleh blinked at [Bill], who squirmed just a bit – apparently he got his head stuck in the pile. She exasperatedly flung her arms out in his direction. “{-AND HE IS WELL WITHIN HIS RIGHT TO BE FURIOUS AT US, BUT HE’S TOO NICE TO SAY ANYTHING-}”

“[(error: slurred speech. Re-translating with 99.98% estimated accuracy) I’m fine.]”

“{AND, AND HE’S TRYING TO REASSURE US.}” She spun around, growling at the rest of her crew. “{US, WHO COULD HAVE ENDED HIS LIFE IN A FLURRY OF STUPIDITY.}”

“[(error: slurred speech. Re-translating with 99.98% estimated accuracy) I’m fine though.]”

Rauleh sighed, angrily. “{HE’S TOO INNOCENT TO UNDERSTAND. TOO PURE.}”

“[(error: slurred speech. Re-translating with 99.98% estimated accuracy) It’s fine, really. You’re the ones freaking out.]”

Rauleh paused, her ears twitching in fury, before letting out a long, low, guttural clicking-growl, angrily falling on her haunches.

“[(error: slurred speech. Re-translating with 99.98% estimated accuracy) Accidents happen.]”

Rauleh glared at [Bill], trying to will into her gaze that although accidents do happen, they don’t happen near her, on her ship, under her watch.

[Bill], for his part, beamed back confidence.

“[(error: slurred speech. Re-translating with 99.98% estimated accuracy) But it’s ok. This is how we learn!]”

Rauleh, for her part, just let out an exasperated whine.

There was a pause and a long sigh, as everyone’s commbeads kicked back on. “{Well.}” Said the voice of Zgren-Nragren-of-Arzerghr, causing everyone to flinch – and [Bill] to protest slightly – “{Here I was about to deliver the dressing-down of a career, but I see Rauleh did it well enough for me.}”

“{Sector-General, I take full resp-}”

“{Rauleh-of-Ngraren, please do not interrupt me.}”

There was another pause and [Bill] piped back up, but nobody paid attention.

“{I can’t… I can’t not document this. My workstation has mandatory audit logs, so even if I chose not to report this – which for the record, I’m not doing – it could still show up under a random review. To my knowledge, no other [Human] has been put in such danger within our Empire’s borders.}”

Nobody moved, as they waited for the axe to drop.

“{….however, after reviewing security footage and listening the, ah, condemned, I could theoretically argue before an inquisitor that Grewreh-of-Azrehs followed safety procedure, that he was not trained for a [Human]’s specific…needs, and that technically the [Human] was not hurt. I could also theoretically argue, due to a [Human]’s innate….}” there was a sigh, and the next word came out thick and dripping with exhaustion “{[Human]-ness, that the crew’s concern was legitimate, albeit an overreaction.}”

Hope was kindled.

“{It also sounds like the [Human] won’t want to press charges, or request a transfer – though, that ultimately is up to him. Regardless, this was a scenario that was not covered in training, and as such I’ll petition to have all [Human]-Dorarizin training materials updated. It was also an oversight not to have their limitations made common knowledge, so, although everyone here will still have the joy of inquisitorial scrutiny I see no reason to-}”

As one the entire crew cheered at the stay of execution – if a Sector-General was going to hunt for them, then they wouldn’t be demoted, they wouldn’t be exiled, and they wouldn’t lose their [Human]! The crew devolved into happy yips and barks of conversation, in that overly-excited way that only occurs once disaster has been averted. Zgren-Nragren-of-Arzerghr smiled in his workstation, and turned off his general override.

Rauleh’s commbead, however, never turned off.

“{Daugher of mine.}”

“{Yes, papa?}”

“{Hm! Offering me a sweet-meat?}”

“{….Thank you.}” She sub-vocalized, emotion thick in her voice.

“{…….Daughter. I’m not going to – I can’t-}”

“{I know.}”

“{I’ll stretch the truth as far as I can, but I’m not going to break it. You’ll still have Imperial Inquisitors crawling all over you and everyone there, and that’s not counting the Interstellar Safety and Standards commission that will undoubtedly be launched.}”

“{I know.}” Rauleh sighed as she watched her crew busy themselves, cleaning up and returning to their proper stations. “{But still. Thank you.}”

“{….This is why I hate [Humans]}“ Nragren chuckled, humming to himself. “{Such little squishy beings of chaos and disorder.}”

“{I think you’re just limping about because no [Human] wants to learn about interstellar paperwork.}”

“{Hm! Petulant child – I’ll pull your claws out.}”

There was a small moment of silence, and idly Rauleh watched one of [Bill]’s packmates walk back into the hangar, holding a small box.

“{Well. Translators seem to have been made, thankfully. I’m going to order a half-dozen spare sets…}”

“{Speaking of translation, I need to talk to you.}”

Rauleh’s ears perked up. “{That’s right! In all this commotion, I forgot – what exactly did you call me for, Papa?}”

Zgren-Nragren-of-Arzerghr inhaled deeply and began to explain.

“”

KEYRING sighed and looked at SPOTTER – well, at the emotional-wreck-formerly-known-as-SPOTTER. The extraction of SISTER was a resounding success (on paper), and the exfiltration of the Celestial Scale went off without a hitch. For the first time in anyone’s memory, the mutiny alarm was a false alarm – all that the Jornissian special forces had managed to do was change out the crew and power down a ship in record time.

“<No.>”

“<So do you want to hold her?>”

“<. . . .>”

The problem was, well, SISTER. Once the room was cleared and SISTER was in custody, the assumption was that the [Human] would simply be confused – scared, possibly angry – but nothing that an explanation and cooperation wouldn’t overcome. The team was expecting reactions ranging from fear to hiding or even fighting back; people in panic situations did not think clearly.

However, once SISTER was in custody she acted like she was about to die. After squirming in SPOTTER’s grip SISTER went totally limp and began to cry.

That, in and of itself, was terrible. But then she began to beg and plead. The things she was expecting, and the things she was saying….

….after 5 minutes, everyone but SPOTTER had muted their commbeads to her cries. Unfortunately, this only stopped the real-time translation.

“<KEYRING, she sounds like a wounded hatchling->”

“<Suck it up, soldier.>”

So after an additional 10 minutes, the squad had figured out how to filter SISTER’s cries completely from their helmet’s audio.

“<Oh, high talk from you GRANITE. Go ahead, look at her again. Watch her flinch.>”

GRANITE, a Jornissian who had been in numerous secret raids against pirates, butchered no less than 300 slavers, who had stared into the abyss between the stars and refused to blink, turned his head away.

“<That’s what I thought. I want hazard pay.>”

“<SPOTTER->”

“<No. No. You listen. Just do it, right now, cause I have to, because I’m holding her, and I have to make sure she doesn’t get injured. Do it. I dare you.>”

“<Oh, fine.>” KEYRING growled, flicking on some indicators within his suit. “<She has to have calmed down a little bit by no->”

“[Ah-hand I never got to travel when I was young and I just, I just wanted to have a l-little fun, just a little fun before I died, I didn’t want to die, I don’t want to die like this, I wanted more time, I’m sorry – I’m so sorry, I didn’t know, I didn’t mean to, I’ll do anything, please, I- my mom only has me left, I’m sorry, I’m so sor-]”

KEYRING tensed his hood and quickly muted SISTER again.

“<….Hazard pay.>”

“<I’ll put in a request->”

SPOTTER looked down at SISTER, seeing her puffy face, red eyes and distant, pleading gaze. Her hands were going through a picking motion, nonsensically, never stopping – some sort of nervous tic. Even though she was in his coils, and the transport ship was well within her comfort range, SISTER shivered. She shivered, and never stopped shaking.

“<You’re Harsak-damned right you will.>”

Admiral Var’Shrak sang softly to himself. It was one of the many, many skills he had picked up over the course of his lifetime in the interstellar navy – whenever a deckhand had some menial bullshit to do, or a crewmate was being “unjustly punished” for dereliction of duty, you could bet there would be one of countless songs being sung to pass the time. He was, of course, not singing because he was about to do something menial, or something he dreaded; he was singing to himself because he was nervous.

Sure, he was around when [Human]s were discovered, and yes, he had reviewed their media – and like most of his race, he found them utterly adorable. Their humor was wrong, their music was beautiful, their art and science both advanced and yet very primitive. Of course, there was the initial rush of applications to serve with them, and of course there was a flurry of Senate rulings and restrictions that immediately passed unanimously. He had friends and colleagues who had put in some favors to have [Human]s aboard their vessels, but to do so they had to give up their military commission; a sacrifice that he wasn’t ready to make until he was prepared to retire in general, and at that point he may as well attempt to get a teaching gig instead.

However, that didn’t mean he didn’t want to meet one. Quite the opposite, in fact – he was going to make sure to record every interaction with this [Caroline], and if possible, mayhaps take his time in returning her to the Celestial Scale. From her file she seemed, well. Cute, for one, eager – but also somehow very soft. Var’Shrak didn’t really know how to explain it, but, if he was honest with himself he was giddy with excitement.

So, he was singing. Singing to pass the time until [Caroline] was checked out by medical and put in an officer’s lounge, time until she’s had something to eat and a little bit of time to relax. Singing while he determined what outfit to wear, as aesthetics of authority weren’t universal, and he’d rather not come across as overbearing and dominant when it was obvious the [Human] was of no threat and quite possibly having a terrible time.

His implant gave him a wordless indicator; [Caroline] had been deposited in a freshly cleaned and stocked lounge and was awaiting debriefing. With a smile and a smart snap of his tail against the ground, the Admiral left his quarters and made his way midship.

Offering only perfunctory salutes and acknowledgements of his crew, the Admiral’s mind began to wander, trying to form a narrative to his questioning. [Caroline] was in no trouble, no matter what happened – she was a civilian, and that’s where that line of thought began and ended. However, what did the edited media mean? Was this some cultural thing that the Jornissian cultural attaches had missed? Was it an honor, or an insult? Was [Caroline] alone responsible for the edit, or was it something more… institutional? Even if he could coil around who was responsible, were any laws even being broken? Then there was the mystery of THE CAPTAIN and how she played into all this….

Admiral Var’Shrak continued to muse right up to the door to Officer’s Lounge A-17. He would’ve mused a little further if it wasn’t for a haggard-looking, limp-scaled, utterly exhausted special forces soldier, coiled in his way. Off to the side, his superior officer was in mid-explanation of something…but that would wait.

“<Sharp Eyes to you, Soldier.>” Admiral Var’Shrak saluted, and was immediately incensed to see that the salute was not returned.

“<Sir.>” Began the dead-eyed soldier, who Var’Shrak’s implant identified as SPOTTER – nee Shresh’resk. “”

His superior officers – both of them – visibly flinched at the very deadpan and very serious way he delivered that line, before slithering off just to the right and coiling up.

“<S-sir, I’m sorry, Shresh’resk is… well. He needs hazard pay.>”

The Admiral, tamping down his anger at the mutinous way he was addressed, glared at the Sergeant. “<You dare?>”

Wordlessly KEYRING tapped open the door, and the lights within kicked on. There was a cry – more like a wail – and [Caroline] darted under what appeared to be a blockade made out of foam perch pillows. His commbead was flooded with nonsensical half-pleading, crying, and promises to be good.

As the translator matrix began to work overtime and just exactly what she was saying finally hit him, Admiral Var’Shrak slumped forward, the excited energy he was projecting fully drained out of him. “Hopefully the Dorarizin are having a better go of it than I am” he thought, as he slowly made his way into the lounge.

“{So. [Bill]?}”

“[Ah uh, yeah? The ‘bead’s working now, yeah?]” [Bill] said, still smiling from his protective denmate-pile.

Rauleh smiled in return. “{Indeed it is. Hey, listen, I had a quick question for you.}”

“[Awww. Look, like I said accidents happen, and as long as I can keep blowing up moons I won’t tell anyone-]”

“{No no no – it’s not about that. And yes, you can still fire probes at the various celestial bodies that we orbit. It’s about something else.}”

“{If it’s about Greweh then I’ll have to say ‘it’s complicated’.}”

Rauleh snorted and rolled her shoulders. “{Tell me about it. No, no. I uh, I was wondering if you could help me out with a [Human]-specific question.}”

“[Ok! Ask away!]”

“{Do you have something called [Meme]-edited Dorarizin, and what movies are inside it?}”

A sharp, pungent rensecf scent spiked everyone’s nostrils, and [Bill] suddenly began to squirm violently, a panicked yell shuddering forth from his tiny frame.

“{Wait, [Bill]-}”

“{Woah! Hold on there little buddy-}”

“{Did he just pee on me?!}”

“{Don’t clench up you’ll hurt him-}”

“{Don’t let him go he’s got fear-madness-}”

So to answer Admiral Var’Shrak’s question: No. No they were not.

Tags Comedy, Cute, Smol, Sci-Fi, They are Smol

Stories They are Smol

They are Smol: Chapter 11

Long ago in a distant land:

Aku flung a samurai into the futurepast
Azrehs (Greweh of,) flung a simian into the futurepod
- COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT
Impromptu cuddle piles are now a thing apparently
- I told you they were all cuddlers at the beginning of this didn’t I?
  - Furries are still not invited, though. They just make everything weird.
Bill boredly babbles bellicosely

Now, in [current year]:

BOSS FIGHT
Do you accept a collect call from “SsssssSsSSSssssSsSSssSS. S. SSs.”?
Regional knows
- run

————————————————————————————————————

“Shanghai. Sexytimes. Sumatra?” Bill ventured, idly looking at the flashing indicator in a block-claw script.

“?GR’SHRAK NE’GREN RETLEH.?”

“Figured. Whelp. Let’s review, shall we?”

“?GR’SHRAK NE’GREN RETLEH.?” The construction done responded, awaiting Bill’s input.

“Freshman.”

“?FRESHAHN. RELK## ANEN REK’K&** FR.?”

“Grimace.”

“?GRENHS. EW#$ DREEF SCH^*#.?”

“Kardashian” Bill said, groaning internally.

“?RRERHG. KRARDRESHN REK’KK %%$KRF.” The drone replied, matter-of-factly. Although Bill was doing his best to not anthropomorphize the hunk of steel and electronics, he couldn’t help but think the drone was copping attitude with him.

The smug bastard. Not like it’s his fault he doesn’t have the right mouth to make mouthsounds!

“Whelp. I’ve got another 5 minutes or so until you default back to the first error, so let’s-“

“?RRERK. RRERHG. KRARDRESHN REK’KK %%$KRF.”

“-try what we can. Uh. Shake-and-bake. Simpsons. I don’t fuckin’ know – Shaka Zulu?” Bill said, exasperatedly throwing his hands up in the air.

“SHAKASHZUL.” The drone said with a confirmation that just felt exasperated.

“Wait no fuckin way-” Bill perked up, as all around him screens began to turn on. Although he was still a far cry away from being able to do anything, the fact that he could get the damn input loop to turn off was a massive victory. As blue-filtered cameras turned on, Bill saw a 360 degree view around his probe – as if the walls melted away. To be honest, he was really intrigued; most equipment he used has been tuned to human physiology, so to see things unfiltered was a surprising treat. Well. It was, until the external cameras tried to calibrate to human physiology as opposed to Dorarizin.

Bill swallowed the nausea and vertigo that seemed to overwhelm him as the cameras exploded in a kaleidoscope of viewpoints – his brain saw them as random, but the construction drone computer was doing it’s best, dangit – it’s not it’s fault that human eyes are too small, too close – the fields of vision began to overlap and swim as the drone attempted to compensate.

Bill tried to look straight ahead and found he couldn’t; the world looked like an MC Escher painting, and considering the only thing grounding him to reality was the seat he was currently gripping as hard as possible he felt he was doing a great job not getting sick. That is, until he took a hesitant glance to his right and found something to focus on.

That something happened to be his friend, Grashak, and his coworker, Greweh, being mauled by a hoard of his coworkers.

“JESUS CHRIST! STOP THAT – I’M OK! PLEASE – HEY! HEY! Goddamnit!” Bill cursed, his worry over the treatment of his friends giving him focus, driving out the background nausea. He wiggled into the seat, trying to find anything that would help – either to stop the mauling, because he was still alive and mob justice is a farce, or to help physically break up the-

His bare foot struck against something that felt oddly like a boot control harness. With another tentative nudge, he felt it try to close around his foot – but then release. That didn’t mean he couldn’t use it, though – just that he wouldn’t have as much control as he’d like. Looking up, he realized a few feet above his head were the grips for his hands; based on his size he’d have to choose either hands or feet to work at a time.

Bill started to muse; apparently the pilot rested on his back in this drone, and was buckled in – which would make sense, as there’s no “down” in zero gravity – and then operated as normal. That must mean the seat he was in was meant to be in hard vacuum, so it probably contained some sort of medical or stasis capab-

A sharp whine-bark broke his thought as the external microphones finally kicked on, and the savagery of the battle before him forced his hand.

“{HE’S OK! HE’S ALIVE! HE’S – GERWZEN, YOUR NOSE IS FUCKING ICE}” Greweh cried as he was swarmed with the second round of concerned coworkers, the first dozen or so untangling themselves from Grashak and each other. And, to his credit, his plan was working – albeit with a little more violent impact than he had hoped. Most of the males weren’t so demanding that they’d go for a second scenting, and the females, well….

…it’s not like he wasn’t used to being tangled with a few of them at a time. The fact that one of them happened to be that iron-jaw Rzengrth-of-Frrgrel from Accounting notwithstanding, he was having an OK time of things. As the ladies reluctantly stood up he crouched, shaking himself clear again. Greweh had just been taken down by another 9 or 10 coworkers, but the sheer amount of tangled bodies in the way not only drew attention but also slowed down the overall working-pack. Once enough of them calmed down to have things explained, they started to run interference – either holding other packmates at bay, misdirecting them, or in the case of the calmer ones just explaining what was going on.

Grashak stood to his full height, nodding to himself. Yes, everything would work out – but by the barest of margins.

It was at this time that the construction drone holding [Bill] lurched forward.

Zgren-Nragren-of-Arzerghr was a tired, tired man. Even fathering and raising 4 dozen pups hadn’t worked him this hard.

Although, he had every right to be; He was a Sector-General and as such, always had far too much on his plate at any given time. Even if you completely ignore the logistical nightmare of managing 10,000 planets, moons and associated celestial bodies, you still have to handle the trade between them, managing their assorted and independent police forces, checking and updating contraband laws (where applicable), moving personnel and all the accouterments that come with families, handling the various religious and social claims….

…and then there were the [Humans]. By the first pack, he hated the [Humans]. Why did their home world have to be under his jurisdiction?! The worst part is, it wasn’t even their fault! After their uplift started and approved media began circulating in the empire, the demand to have a [Human] posted on-staff skyrocketed. He checked historical logs – not even when the [Jornissians] were discovered or the [Karnak] joined the Senate was there such a high demand. Sure, there was always that initial pique of curiosity, but after that things tended to level out somewhat.

The demand for [Humans] just grew, and grew, and grew. Wherever a [Human] went, it seemed, every single Dorarizin put in a request for another one. The paperwork that generated combined with the personnel use – by the Pale Moon’s sake, he had people calling in political favors to have a [Human] put on-staff in their planetary capital!

He stared forlornly at the stack of reports, paperwork, bribes, threats and entreaties that sat on his desk. According to his special-team staff (who he had to pull from other teams specifically to handle demands for [Humans]), this was just the “VIP of the VIP” stack. The “VIP” stack occupied his secretary’s entire office.

Requests from the general public were simply incinerated.

There was a gentle but firm scrape at the post, and Rezfran grunted. His secretary – well, one of them – simply began to talk. “{I have an urgent call from Adm. Var’Shrak of [Jornissian] Federated Navy-}”

“{Does it have to do with [humans]?}”

“{Uh, yes sir, bu-}”

“{Then it goes in the pile – unless he’s offering to give us their [humans], in which case we’ll only be short another 112 billion to fill these requests.}”

“{Sir, I can’t say. It’s-}”

“{What do you mean, you can’t say? Put it in the pile and sometime this decade we’ll-}”

“{Sir it’s thread-encrypted. It’s marked urgent, and it has to do with [humans]. That’s all I can say.}”

Rezfran looked up from his terminal and, with a great show of effort, reared back to sit on his haunches. “{Alright, I’ll bite. Is this admiral… Var’Shrak, you said, on active duty?}”

“{Yes.}”

Rezfran clicked his teeth together. [Humans], for very obvious reasons, were not allowed near anything military, be it a simple sensor outpost or a star destroyer. This means it’s not a simple ‘please give us a [Human]’ request – and even if it was, the [Jornissians] had a counterpart to him within their federation that would handle such things.

“{Emergency communique?}”

“{Thread-Encrypted, from the bridge Stinging Venom of [Jornissian] Federated Navy.}”

“{Pre-recorded?}”

“{Live.}”

Rezfran sighed, and waved his secretary away. “{Send him through and privacy close the office.}”

“{Yes sir.}”

Rezfran looked back down at his terminal, wiping away the ‘toddler [human]’ screensaver and refreshing his programs.

With a chime the screen changed to a reclining [Jornissian] in obvious military regalia – the rest of his crew, if there were any present, had been filtered out.

“[I greet you in peace, Zgren-Rezfran-of-Arzerghr. May your scent carry far.]”

“{Hah! So polite – most people who call me like this have something burning in the background.}” The Dorarizin and the Jornissian shared what to each species was their version of a grin. “{Ah well. I greet you in peace, Admiral Var’Shrak of [Jornissian] Federated Navy. May you only have warm days. Now.}”

Rezfran’s face lost some of it’s charm, falling back into his bureaucratic mode. “{What’s wrong and why me?}”

“[Hm! I came to you, because I was told you can handle things with discretion-]”

“{I’m not smuggling [Humans] for you.}”

The Jornissian started, then laughed. “[By Sotek-who-circles-the-World, you assume the worst! No, I just want clarification on something I pulled from a [Human] terminal from our ship, Celestial Scale. Please review the attached file – I’ll wait.]”

A second indicator appeared on his screen, and with a practiced wave of his hand a badly-damaged movie clip began to play. It was some Jornissian military schlock – par for the course when it came to the initial media exchange, but….

Rezfran furrowed his brow as the movie looped.

“[Ah. So this is new to you as well.]” Var’Shrak mused, coiling in on himself. “[I had hoped you would have come across something like this in your records…I don’t want to think the [Humans] are mocking us, but, we’ve never seen anything like this before.]”

Rezfran remained silent as the movie looped a third time.

“{I think – if you’ll give me some time – I will figure this out.}” he finally spoke, beginning to make furious notes – programs and windows popping open to receive commands and then immediately shut down. “{I don’t have access to military-grade encryption, of course, so leave with me the name of a subordinate to contact. I trust you want this research done discreetly-}”

“[Of course. I don’t want to make a fuss in the senate otherwise.]”

“{Mmm. I’ll get back to you when I can.}”

“[Thank you. Loam under your claws, Zgren-Rezfran-of-Arzerghr.]”

“{Yes. See all things clearly, Admiral Var’Shrak of [Jornissian] Federated Navy.}” He responded, and the call was terminated. Almost immediately, a second encrypted channel was formed – civil government encryption wasn’t the best, but it would prove to be a hassle for anyone trying to break it – and Rezfran made a call to his eldest daughter.

The charging cables strained before ultimately snapping, Construction drone CX-4129 taking a heavy step forward. The top half of the drone flopped aimlessly, bonelessly backwards as CX-4129 completed another step.

“{….oh come on.}” Greweh murmured under a pile of coworkers. “{Did that cute idiot really try to turn the thing on?!}”

“{EVERYONE BACK!}” Roared Sgt. Rauleh, and as one her working-pack obeyed, a semicircle forming around the manned drone. “{Is the drone Malfunctioning – ENGINEERING, REPORT.}”

A Dorarizin called out as CX-4129 took a third step forward, then stood still, spinning it’s manipulator grips clockwise. “{No Ma’am! Everything was orange as of 2 days ago!}”

“{Then what the HELL is going on?! It’s acting like…}” Rauleh trailed off as CX-4129 suddenly turned it’s upper torso to the right and took another step forward. “{Oh. Oh by the last hunt GREWEH-}”

“{HE HAD SUCH DEEP EYES-}”

“{GREWEH DID YOU PUT HIM IN A DRONE AND NOT CALIBRATE IT?!}”

Greweh was on all fours, fur bristled, teeth bared at the Sargent – not that it would do him any good, but to be fair he’s had a long day and his hind-brain was starting to take over.

“[CONFECTIONARY]” Boomed CX-4129, as it’s internal microphone kicked in and everyone’s translators turned on. There was the sound of a few grunts and some heavy breathing, as all eyes eventually trained back on Greweh. “{LOOK IT’S NOT MY FAULT}”

“[RETURNED ITEMS]” Agreed CX-4129, as it started to make it’s way forward towards the mining probe. “[PEACE CHAINS UH FOOT UM FRUITS PILE MEAT.]”

“{We need to shut it down – he could hurt himself in there, not counting the damage to the station! Engineering-}”

“{There’s 5 battery tabs on the suit}” The engineer began, “{- he didn’t have his EVA battery installed, so he’s running purely off emergency power. That gives him at least 5 hours at his current burn rate, but that drops proportionally for every tab we pull out-}”

CX-4129 finally made it to the mining probe, and as if to make a point swung his still-rotating upper torso into it, breaking the rails that fastened the probe to the deck. “[ACCIDENT FORGIVENESS SKULL PAIN.]” It explained, manipulator hands still rotating.

“{SMALL BITES.}” Yelled Rauleh as the crew maintained it’s concerned circle^tm around the construction drone.

“{Pull out the green squares-}”

“{YOU HEARD HIM! WHEN POSSIBLE, JUMP ONTO [Bill]’s FRAME, PULL THE GREEN SQUARES. GO GO GO-}”

Her crew, pencil-pushers and desk-jockeys to a person, summoned the will of the hunt. As one, they converged on the drone in blindingly-fast speed.

Unfortunately, in her haste to check on [Bill]’s status, Rauleh never turned off her comm impant, and the very hand signal she used to lead her troops into battle also accepted a call from her papa.

The call connected almost immediately, and Rezfran smiled softly. Old pack tales prove true, even 10,000 years removed from their homeworld, “every father dotes on the first”. Although he would never do something as crass as true nepotism, he may have… pulled a few strings to get a [human] onboard her ship, per her request. It had been only 2 or so years since he last physically saw Rauleh, and he mused that she must be very excited to hear from her old man if she patched him through so quickly. Maybe she could help crack this mystery for her old man (and possibly get another small promotion as thanks).

“{Hello my little sweet meat-}”

“{WATCH FOR HIS ARMS, PACK DAMN YOU. DORFREZ, TRY TO TAKE OUT HIS EYES – CUT HIS EYES}”

Rezfran blinked and checked the connection – audio only, final destination was Rauleh’s implant, so surely-

“{GOOD JOB – TAKE OUT THE OTHER CORE ON HIS FRONT. STOP HIM FROM DESTROYING THE STATION!}”

Rezfran gritted his teeth. If pirates were so foolish as to raid his daughter’s station, there would most definitely be hell to pay. Swearing oaths to bury the criminals in a lifetime maze of red tape, Rezfran distastefully overrode his daughter’s implant limiters, giving him access to everything she sees and hears. He immediately is greeted by the floor as his daughter ducks as a construction drone with a half-dozen Dorarizin on it swings a giant arm in a lazy arc, utterly smashing an emergency wash station.

“{RAULEH BY THE FIRST PACK WHAT IS GOING ON?!}” Rezfran roars in his office – and in his daugher’s ears.

“{DAD?!}” Rauleh cries, and as one every crewmember froze.

“NO OK LOOK IT WAS AN ACCIDENT PLEASE CALM DOWN STOP MAULING GRAPES HE WAS SWEET AND I FELT SAFE IN HIS ARMS-“

Bill was yelling hysterically as he alternated pumping foot pedals and then hopping up to grasp the arm controls until his grip tired, whereupon he’d fall back down and work the feet. It was slow, terrifying going – somehow he had managed to make the torso continue to spin to the left, his “hands” kept rotating, but he was walking “forward”. Well. Walking towards the mining probe.

Bill attempted to pat the probe and explain himself. Instead, he ended up headbutting the probe off it’s rails, the impact bouncing him around the cockpit. “FUCK, SORRY, HIT MY HEAD.”

His vision swam – wait, no, that was normal in this cockpit. He looked around at his coworkers – his friends, cuddlebuddies, and Greweh. At least they had stopped mauling each other, and were barking – eer, talking it out.

Bill breathed a sigh of relief as his upper torso rotated. “Thank-FUCK!” he cried out, as the Dorarizin suddenly leapt onto him. His coworkers were upon him, teeth and claw slashing and biting into the metal that provided the only semblance of protection he had. Bill screamed as he felt the protest of metal, as the alarms started to go off, as his vision swam with sharp teeth, pointed claws and eyes that held fury. While coherent thought still had him, he wondered if by breaking up the fight between them they now viewed him as the new threat, and united to take him down – common enemy and all that.

It was around this time that coherent thought decided to take a break, and with pants-shitting fear Bill’s hind-brain finally got the controls.

“PREDATOR” Bill’s hind-brain said, and Bill agreed.

“RUN” Bill’s hind-brain said, and Bill tensed up – unable to see a path as his drone – as he lurched forward, trying to grab the wall to steady himself. Always, on every screen, more teeth, more claws, more death.

Bill’s hind-brain thought for a moment, shrugged, and pulled the other lever. “FIGHT.”

Screaming, Bill reached up and gripped the hand controls – both satisfying his primal urge to climb from danger AND to have something to beat the beasts back with. His drone arm clamped down on something, and with a high-pitched squeal he brought his new weapon to bear.

“{No time to exp- no! NO. Look, the [Human] is stuck in the drone – Look, OK. I KNOW. IT’S NOT MY FAULT!}” Rauleh roared as she was grilled subvocally by the Regional Head, her father.

“{Not fun now, is it?}” Greweh smugly asked, already certain that his career was destroyed. The only response Rauleh gave him was an exasperated growling yell – until a strong, pressurized stream of water slammed into her, pushing the Sargent back 15 meters.

His implant crackled to life as a voice he had only heard in the yearly briefing roared oaths at him and everyone else alive.

Greweh turned towards [Bill] and what was left of CX-4129. Somehow he had pulled the water main from the emergency wash tank out of the tank itself, separating it from it’s pressure valve. Those hoses were connected directly to their main water storage – [Bill] had a good 7,500 tons of water to play with before it ran dry.

He was using those thousands of tons of water to great effect: As his drone rotated he was blasting every crewmember he could find, washing them far and away from his drone. The poor bastards who were actually on the drone had it the worst, though: freezing cold water, a spinning perspective and not enough purchase to be effective – but just enough to not get flung off and hosed down. Every so often one would begin to slip – some would fall, some would find more purchase, but none of them could continue to power down the drone.

Greweh steeled himself. It seemed [Bill] was avoiding hitting him. This was a welcome surprise, as he was in no mood to be hosed down twice in one day. He looked past the drone to Grashak, who was tracking the last remaining power core on the drone’s body. They shared a wordless glance – he was being spared, too. Dry = traction….

Greweh really didn’t want to act as bait, but as another one of his crewmates skidded past him in a torrent of water, he pursed his lips. “{I fucking hate middle shifts.}”

Tags Sci-Fi, They are Smol, Comedy, Cute, Smol