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Stories They are Smol

They are Smol Doctors at Large – Chapter 1

The outpost stood, alone, in the middle of a small airstrip, in the middle of a meadow, in the middle of nowhere.

The beauty of having a robust Planetary Defense Force, or PDF, that could respond to almost any incident anywhere on the planet within the hour was that you put out problems before they became major issues, you had a decent clamp-down on illegal activity, accidental deaths dropped and the PR it generated basically sold itself.

The bad part about that is that someone has to man the stations that are out in the middle of absolutely nowhere – “nowhere” being “at least 1 hour by flight in any direction to anything interesting” on this particular planet.

Pip

-”[-ng the Iron Rock River. The new mixed development will provide more space for the tiny-chompers on [Gentle Expanse] to spread out in what is considered a ‘traditional rural community development’, with quick access via sky taxi to the center of the city 15 minutes aw-]”

However, the one constant to all these stations, be they floating in the sea or hewn out of the mountain, was a television in the mess hall/break room; the screen of which could be shrunk down to a personal viewport or, as it was now, enlarged to encompass the entire wall.

Pip

-”[-orial for what is widely being called [Mothhennacht], or “Night of the Giant Fuck-off Moth”. Twenty years ago today the Mother was awoken by an unfortunate but opportune industrial accident, and the repercussions of that night live on both in the hearts and minds of our populace, but also in the industries that have come from it. So far, four other Mothers have been identified on our world, and I’m certain with enough care and guidance we can co-exist peacefully with ea-]”

The Dorarizin female who was switching through the channels was, by and large, a rookie – only 15 years on the force. Hey, when your lifespan is measured in centuries, a decade and a half is basically an internship.

Pip

-”[-The good earth. Yes, I’m Juan Esteban – the Juan Esteban, inventor of Mothing and the current CEO of the Moth-racer’s league. I understand that in recent years, there’s been a surge of popularity in the sport, which is good. It’s what our ancestors would have wanted. But the one thing they wouldn’t want would be questionable standards, bad farmin’, and illegal moth breeding.]” The commercial continued with a vision of the setting sun, human livestock lowering their heads to graze on the “grass”, looking up at the camera with a grimace as they chewed the native foliage available to them. An older Juan Esteban, mid-20’s, stood leaning on a somehow-rustic fencepost, his tanned skin glistening in the sun, very obvious fake country drawl pouring from his lips. “[We here at Tierra Tara Terra Farms, the first farm on the planet, know a thing or two about sustainable harvesting and responsibility. Our moths are char-spawned, hand-pupated and raised with love and respect, able to form that flight-bond with their owner as sure as tea is sweet. So make sure you buy Triple-T rated Moths-]”

But it would be idiocy to let a rookie man a “remote” station by herself. So thankfully – luckily – she had a team with her. The only issue was, most of them were asleep or out on patrol.

Pip

-”[Coming around the second gate. Number 7, Kemosabe, is in the lead, with number 18 Lame Cerberus just behind. Both racers are going to have to direct their candlesticks at an almost 90 degree skyward tilt if they’re going to go for the extra loop-]”

“{Oh what? Finally. Hey Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh, when did they move [Mothing] to channel 87?}” Grzeren-of-Regren said, tilting her head back to make sure her voice carried over the announcer. There was a noncommital grunt of a response, followed by the shuffling of feet as the Dorarizin in question shambled over.

“{I have no clue, but I guess it got moved from the cultural section to the sport section.}” Zngrer murmured, taking a sip of her drink. “{Still though, I don’t like it.}”

“{Well, I mean, you were there, right?}” Grzeren said, grinning. “{Like, you saw it happen, you saw the tiny-chomper war machine, you saw-}”

“{Yeah, I was there, and yeah, you read the report the same as I gave it.}” Zngrer sighed. “{Every year, every new rookie, the same damn questions. Yes, I was there, yes, the tiny-chomper war machine held it back, no I don’t know how it worked, yes that’s incredible, no I did not single-handedly fight back the terror-beasts, no I did not catch a tiny-chomper elder before she fell a building, no there were no more additional explosions. Anything else?}”

Grzeren-of-Regren thought to herself for a bit. True, she was a rookie – especially compared to the decorated veteran that she was partnered with for the night shift, and due to a stroke of luck they were alone for the next hour or two – but it was obvious that she wasn’t asking anything new. She needed to impress, needed to get herself noticed, and this was a prime opportunity to do so.

“{Ah, well. What good thing did come of [Mothhennacht]?}”

With an unceremonious thump Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh sat down on the seat next to her, leaning forward to watch the screen with idle interest. “{Nothing, except my husband.}”

Grzeren’s shoulders perked up a bit at that. “{Oh! Right – that’s one impressive first date, to be honest.}”

Zngrer laughed, leaning back. “{Yeah, can’t top that at all… but see? See?}” The special operations veteran pointed to the screen, where a dazzler, or a human whose sole purpose was to sew chaos among the other racers, had begun to twirl and wave his candlestick around his group to such a distracting degree that the majority of the racers lost momentum. “{This stuff right here is what I don’t like – if this was somehow strongly regulated, then this would be ok-}” Zngrer grimaced as one of the racers slammed into the “soft” dirt track below, harness detaching to let the moth sail free from the impact. Wordlessly she turned towards Grzeren, motioning at the screen with a “exactly this type of bullshit” look on her face. “{My point is made for me-}”

Grzeren-of-Regren shrugged. “{I mean, it’s not hurting any- well. Ah. They seem ok with it?}” She weakly corrected, tilting her head to the side noncommittally. “{Someone will step in if it gets too bad, right?}”

“{Oh you sweet child.}”

“{What?}”

Zngrer grunted again, taking a deep draught of her drink, letting the drone of the tiny-chomper announcer fill the silence. “{I miss him, you know.}”

“{What… the… r-racer?}”

Zngrer looked at the rookie quizzically, shaking her head. “{What? No. My husband, you idiot.}”

“{Oh? Right, didn’t you just have some pups recently?}”

Zngrer nodded. “{Yeah. Well, recent is … time flies. Most of ‘em are still burrowers, but we’re starting to see a few leapers in there too.}”

“{Oh wow. Time does go quick – I thought you just came back from maternity leave.}” Grzeren said, leaning back in her chair. “{So they’re starting to become an armful, eh?}”

“{Mmm. I’d know better if central stopped sending me out on deployment for so fucking long.}”

Grzeren flinched, grimacing. “{Ye-yeah… damn, I’m sorry. But at least the other girls are helping out, right?}”

“{Ah, we’re a single pack right now-}”

“{Wait. Wait.}” Grzeren said, holding up her drink to interrupt. “{You’ve got a stud of a male at home, which sucks but ok, fine. But now he’s basically a single father? How the hell does he manage?}”

Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh, “heroine of Mothennacht”, First Wife to an absolute stunning male, mother of 5 and actively-deployed special operations PDF soldier shrugged. “{Well enough, I hope.}”

The Dorarizin moved with purpose through the small starter home, cradling a wailing child in his arms. The small volleyball sized drone followed him, a grey-muzzled older male half-smiling on it’s surface.

“{DAD. DAD. DAD. DAD.}”

“{Son I’m going to let you finish but you need to calm down-}” The orb said, a smile on the father’s digital face.

Ngruzren-of-Arzgr, “Tipo of Mothennacht”, Husband-Den-Patriarch to a strong and beautiful female, father of 5 and actively-freaking-out temporarily single parent, growled. “{No I will not calm down she’s bleeding-}”

“{Ah.}” Dzgranra-of-Arzgr said, the wisdom of years of child rearing coming to bear. “{You know, pups just do that.}”

His words of wisdom were ignored, the new father pulling out a ridiculously large first aid case, cracking it open to rummage around the contents inside. “{No, no, this is bad – I need to go to the hospital – stop fighting you little shit-}” Ngruzren scolded his middle daughter, being rewarded with a wail, tiny scratches and ineffective bites as he attempted to apply first aid to what looked like a nasty head wound.

“{Son, look. If she’s still moving she’s fine.}”

“{Bleeding from the head, DAD.}”

Dzgranra sighed, rubbing the side of his muzzle. “{How do I reach these kids~}”

“{Ok, ok, ok sweetmeats shh let me – ok it looks like it’s just a scratch but it was bleeding so much-}”

“{Like I said, son. Pups just do that.}” The talking orb helpfully repeated, lowering it’s hover just a bit to get on eye-level. “{It’s your first round, I understand. Trust me, I understand. Just wait until your first stomach bug goes through the den – that’s terrifying.}”

“{Nnnnnnnnnnnn-}” Ngruzren said, an involuntary shudder crawling down his spine. “{Oh. Oh no.}”

“{Mmhmm. Look, pups fight, it’s just what they do – burrowers aren’t even old enough to realize that their claws and bites can hurt, and the instinct to den up is strong. She’s fine, you’re fine, they’re all fine.}”

Ngruzren moved his hand away from his daugher’s head, the bleeding slowing to a trickle. With unpracticed, concerned eyes he scanned her, noting to his chagrin that the pup was more distressed over being handled and “roughhoused” by her father than from the actual bite to the head she suffered from her sibling.

“{See? It’s fine.}”

“{Yeah It’s just…}” Ngruzren sighed, his body seeming to shrink slightly under an invisible weight. “{It’s so hard, Dad. I love her, I really do, but she’s gone now for weeks, sometimes a month at a time-}”

“{Well, you can always start working on getting another female for the den, son.}” The Dzgranra-dad-orb helpfully bobbed in the air. “{You should do so anyway – nobody likes seeing you run down like this.}”

“{Firstly, I just got this wife and these pups, I don’t need another. Not right now at least.}”

“{Damn. There goes my secret plan to have yet more grandchildren.}”

Ngruzren smiled. “{Yeah, well. I’m also… I’m still young! And I didn’t finish my degree – don’t.}” Ngruzren said, interrupting his father’s inhale. “{- all I’m saying is, is that I’m fine with a traditional den and clan, I’m deeply in love with my wife, I adore my pups, but I don’t want to settle down and be homemaker – not now, at least.}”

“{Well son, to be honest you should have come to that conclusion before you had pups.}” Dzgranra chided, gently. “{I don’t really think there’s much options to you without another female in the picture, and once you get her in the picture she’ll be wanting her own pups, and then it kinda spirals out of control from there.}”

“{You’d think someone would have figured out how to stop that from happening by now.}”

Dzgranra grinned. “{You’d think, and yet, here we are. And judging by my fussy little grandpup in your arms, I think she’s tired of being held-}”

“{Ah.}” Ngruzren held his middle pup up – well, middle in terms of birth, but they were all the same age – giving her the once-over once again. He was rewarded with a vocal yowp, and more squirming. “{Well that ended quickly.}”

“{I told you.}” The Dad-orb said, following his son out from the side-room back into the lower den. Most of the furniture had been pushed back, and a makeshift canvas jungle-gym/ball pit was in it’s place. Kneeling, Ngruzren gently placed his daughter in the loose cloth scrap pit, and with a squeal of delight the pup began to “burrow” down, the fastened straps of canvas mimicking the soft loam his far ancestors would have used eons ago.

“[Yeah. Thanks, Dad.}”

“{No problem son. Ah.}”

Ngruzren turned towards his father. “{What?}”

“{Sorry, it’s just a quirk of mine – a habit, really, but, I always do a headcount once I come back from another room and I have no minder.}”

“{Oh. Let’s see. One, two three four. Uh. One.}” Ngruzren said, lifting the top of the canvas jungle-gym “mountain” to uncover his first pup. “{Two I just dropped in, Three and four…}” With a little more rummaging around the pile he was rewarded with teething nips and happy yips. “{Five? Where’s five. WHERE IS FIVE – DAD-}”

“{I’m never getting off this call with you, am I?}”

“{DAD I’M MISSING A PUP-}”

“{Well it’s not like they’re gonna go anywhere! Did you check behind the couch? Find your baby and some change?}”

“{DAD NOT NOW-}”

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Stories They are Smol

They are Smol – And it’s a Smol World After All. Epilogue, Part 3

The alarm clock – or what we would call an alarm clock – went off at 6AM, it’s gentle waterfall and rustling wind tone getting louder and louder as time marched inexorably forward.

The blanket den did not stir, so much as it exploded – pillows and blankets, fuzzpods and compression padding launching into the air and falling haphazardly across Ngruzren-of-Arzgr’s room. With a happy nonsensical noise the dorarizin male launched himself out of his bed, Ngruzren having woken up almost an hour before his alarm was supposed to go off.

The formerly-a-snooze-button-menace known as the alarm clock longed for the days when it got to be an annoyance, the Dorarizin almost daintly skipping over to the shelf it was placed on and stopping it’s wakeup routine with a gentle press.

“{Ssssh. That’s enough out of you for today~}”

The faux window began to open of it’s own accord, and Ngruzren stood there, mock-opening it with his outstretched arms. With a happy little wiggle he spun around, letting the daylight of a random alien world wash over his unkempt body. Today was the day! Today was the day!

No human would describe the sound that came out of the Dorarizin as a “happy little squeal”; if anything it was the sound of a vehicle spinning off a tarmac while it’s crankshaft shattered the transmission, but to the lad, his family and the entire Dorarizin species it was, well. Adorable.

With a single bound he leapt into his private bathroom, his paw haphazardly slapping the lights on as he dashed to the counter to begin his daily grooming ritual. It would be quick – two groomings in a day usually means the second one is quicker than the first – but he would still take his time. Everything has to be perfect, after all, because today was the day.

His brand-new brushbar worked out what few kinks and matted fur his anxiety-nap caused, Ngruzren grumbling softly to himself at his jitters. VR hadn’t helped, the GalNet hadn’t helped, he finished all his coursework, cleaned his room twice, helped with his little brothers and sisters – by the pale moon, he even helped his dad cook, much to his astonishment, and that only killed a few hours at best!

Ngruzren-of-Arzgr studied himself, his Navy Blue eyes looking over every inch of his nude body. He kept the Vantablack mane dye, the blue-on-black contrast drawing attention up to his eyes. With not inconsiderable skill he let it fade as you drew your gaze down his torso until his natural dust-blue fur took over, it’s gentle muted tones giving him an overall look of a captive droplet of space, landed to earth. He smiled as he checked himself again – a light white highlight at the tip of his tail and the beginning of white highlights just above his belt line…

…well. The message would be received. Surely. Yeah? Right? Right. Yeah. Sure.

Oh by the first pack you’re dressing like a slut oh no what if Mom sees – what if Dad sees-

Ngruzren-of-Arzgr inhaled deeply, resting the heels of his paws on the counter, letting his weight settle until he was rewarded with a light, protesting crack from the strain.

“{Calm down.}”

He looked at himself in the mirror again, staring into his deep blue eyes.

“{You’re the lord of the hunt.}”

Ngruzren smiled softly, tilting his head in a practiced come-hither look, raising his brushbar to slightly muss up his mane in that ‘wild yet styled’ look that was all the rage.

“{It’s just a date. You’ve had plenty of those before. It’s just a date.}”

He locked eyes with his reflection for a brief moment, looking his absolute sexiest…

…before gripping the brushbar with both hands, pulling it tightly to his chest and letting out another happy squeal

“{Aaaaaahhhhh it’s a Daaaaaate~}”

Dzgranra-of-Arzgr was an accomplished homemaker. He had married young – well, relatively young, given his people lived at or just past a thousand years old – and therefore had seen it all. I mean it.

Look. If you think raising a single human from larvae to negaqueen is a hassle, again – three dozen pups. He had seen it all, learned how to cope, stared into the void and then started aggressively mocking it for being such a little bitch, it’s just some projectile vomit, it’s not that bad just get the mop-

Dzgranra-of-Arzgr shook his head a bit, a soft smile on his lips. He had seen it all, and Ngruzren was not his first boy, nor was he his first boy to be courted, properly. Every species had their dance when it came to this, and it varied from clan to clan and from planet to planet. Some people did the old “threatening-not-threatening” you, some demanded a payment to prove the courtier was on the up-and-up (with such bribes going towards the wedding fund) – heck, Dzgranra even remembered stories of some families just straight-up going into the parking lot and fighting!

But really, who was he to complain? It just made family reunions all the more interesting.

Speaking of interesting, Dzgranra had his ear cocked to eavesdrop shamelessly from the kitchen into the lower livingroom. His place in this dance was to be in the kitchen, to do a proper “send off” to his son, but if he was actually cooking then he couldn’t hear a damn thing, and honestly pre-made boxed Txzg-grzg was just as good as homemade and only needed to broil in the oven for 2 hours.

Quietly broil in the oven. Silently cook.

Dzgranra-of-Arzgr smiled as he sipped on his bowl of Drzulr, letting the thick slurry slide over his tongue in a very relaxing manner.

Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh stood still, staring straight ahead into the wall, three mothers circling her in a not-at-all welcoming manner. Her dress-suit was properly ironed, chest stays flattened, wrist-grips polished to a mirror shine. She screamed “off duty military” and that was the entire goal: Show up, prove she would be a good provider, promise to be a responsible chaperon to an impressionable and really hot young stud, and then walk out of the house with him under her arm…

…and immediately take him back to her place and do a bunch of things to him that are not fit to print, but would prove very satisfying to both parties.

She knew the game. The mothers knew the game. She knew that they knew. They knew that she knew that they knew. There was no question as to what was going to happen; it was all about earning it, at this point.

And she wanted it. She wanted it willingly.

“{You scream wanna-be to me.}” Grenzgranr-of-Drezr, one of the elder mothers of the family grumbled, reaching up and tugging at her suit. “{Who’d you blackmail for these crescents?}”

“{No one, honored mother.}” Zngrer said, staring straight ahead into the wall.

The admittedly taller Rzkrenz-of-Zndzgara leaned forward from… her back right, Zngrer decided, before she felt the hot breath of the other elder mother at the back of her head. “{A little girl, playing soldier to feel special. We don’t need that trauma in this family.}”

“{Agreed, honored mother.}” Zngrer said, staring straight ahead into the wall, facial expression unchanged.

Kzdzgrar-of-Rzndzre – her date’s actual mother, based on her fur pattern – laughed mirthlessly. “{I’ve pulled your file. Rescues, sure. Drills, fine. No actual combat, so really you’re just a glorified paper pusher.}”

“{Agreed, honored mother – I’m glad you count me as one of your own.}” Zngrer said, staring straight ahead into the wall, facial expression unchanged as a weighty paw gripped the back of her neck and began to squeeze. Not hard enough to actually hurt. Not hard enough to even really keep a firm grip if Zngrer wanted to escape, but just hard enough to get the point across: if you want to start something, we’re ready.

Zngrer did some quick mental math, and realized that she would most likely not get her bed warmed by a cutie if she beat up his three mothers. She scowled, internally, and let the paw squeeze a bit harder before ever so slightly lowering her head just a fraction of an inch.

Message received, it said, and the pressure relented.

Kzdzgrar opened her mouth to continue, but a hesitant padding down the staircase stopped her. The thee mothers turned to look at their son – well, one of their sons, but he was their only son for tonight – hesitantly make his way down to the lower level. The mood in the room shifted the instant his foot touched the ground – the vice-like grip on the back of the neck became a gentle, if heavy open palm, the two other honored mothers leaving Zngrer’s peripheral vision, and some very pointed whispered conversation she could not make out happening before her date was ushered out of the room.

Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh stood still, staring straight ahead into the wall as her vision was filled by two older, slightly greyer faces, staring hard into her eyes.

“{If you harm him, we will kill you.}”

“{Yes, honored mothers.}” Zngrer responded, staring a hole into the wall, facial expression unchanged – but internally, she was cackling like a lunatic.

“{No. They will kill you. I will file and approve the paperwork as an accident.}” Kzdzgrar-of-Rzndzre said, matter-of-factly. Zngrer couldn’t look her in the eyes, but she knew in her heart that they tried to make her break, and she stood firm.

That cutie’s booty was as good as hers. She knew it. They knew it. She knew that they knew it. They knew that she knew that-

Zngrer let her mask slip, just a touch, an imperceptible smile flexing her ears, and the honored mothers growled.

Dzgranra-of-Arzgr fussed with his son’s robe, the fast-casual fashion movement utterly lost on him. “{Now, I want you to make sure to have your beacon on at all times.}”

“{Dad.}” Ngruzren-of-Arzgr sighed, immediately reaching up to mess his robe up again, letting his mane stick out of it slightly lopsided. “{It’s fine-}”

“{I’m serious. She’s military and that’s fine, but they’re not known for showing restraint and this is your first date with her-}”

“{DAD.}” Ngruzren said, reaching up to grab the back of his father’s head. Gently he leaned forward, the two males bumping foreheads together. “{Dad. It’s ok.}”

“{Mmmm. I don’t know what you used to get up to, but this is the first girl who’s actually tried to court you properly.}”

“{So isn’t that a good thing?}” Ngruzren responded, smiling as he pulled away.

His father looked at him flatly. “{Either she’s a keeper or she’s a sex trafficker.}”

“{DAD-}”

“{Eeeeh~!}” His father noncommittally ripple-clicked his teeth, arms lifting in the adopted human gesture of “eh, what can ya do?”. “{Anyway. I think your mothers have given her the once-over; let me walk you out.}” Dzgranra said, placing his paw on his son’s back…

…his son’s very tensed back.

“{…if you’re uncomfortable doing this, son, you don’t have to-}”

“{N-no. Just. She’s, um. She’s really hot, and uh. I mean, she saved my life and uh. I just…}”

Dzgranra nodded to himself. “{Ah.}”

“{Ah?}” Ngruzren-of-Arzgr said, looking at his father while he picked at his claws. “{Is – is something wrong?}”

“{Mmmm, no. Let’s get you out of the house, hmm? Beacon on? Emergency cred stash ready?}”

“{Dad… yeah.}” Ngruzren said softly, letting the older male walk him out into the living room.

“{Good! Now.}” Dzgranra-of-Arzgr left his son’s side as he checked his wives, pressing against them to share scent, warmth, touch and reassurance. His body language beamed approval, and the honored mothers of Pack Arzgr stepped back to let the father take a look at this new female in his territory.

Dzgranra-of-Arzgr stood before the taller female, tilted his head a bit, then smiled. “{Whelp! Let’s get you two kids out of here, hmm?}”

Zngrer looked at the older male for a moment, her eyes darting to meet his before she went back to the spot on the wall. “{B-bountiful… father?}”

“{Mmm, you heard me! Ngruzren, sweetmeat, go ahead outside.}”

The spot was comfy, the spot made sense. With all the other males she had… enjoyed in her past, the routine was the same: The Honored Mothers tried to break her, failed. The Bountiful Father would come, try to suss her out, fail. She gets the guy, they have some fun for as long as it lasts, and that was that.

But this? This made no sense.

“{Come on! Out out out.}” Dzgranra-of-Arzgr said, grabbing Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh’s arm and leading the much stronger, much larger female out as you would a particularly scatterbrained pet. The door opened automatically, Ngruzren turning in the light of the streetlights to see his date almost pushed onto him, the female stumbling a bit before looking at Ngruzren with marked confusion.

For his part, Ngruzren just shrugged.

“{I bet you’re wondering why I didn’t try to press the marrow there, hmm?}” Dzgranra-of-Arzgr said, smiling as he shut the door to the family home behind him.

Zngrer looked, actually looked with her special eyes for the first time at the older male’s smile, and for some unknown reason she shuddered. Unbreaking of his smile or of his happy demeanor he reached forward, messing idly with Zngrer’s chest-stays.

“{I’m going to tell you a secret, something not even my son knows – mainly because he’s finally old enough to find someone to settle down with-}”

There was a pause, as if he was waiting for an interjection. When none came, his smile seemed to grow… and grow more savage.

“{-and because you’re the first girl he’s talked about with any sort of seriousness.}” At this, Dzgranra-of-Arzgr, Patriarch of his Pack, rested his paws on the young female’s shoulders, staring into her eyes, keeping that same smile on his face.

“{Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh, if you should know any one thing about me, it is that I fuck.}”

“{Whhhhhhh-}” Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh said, blinking hard as the absolute offness of that comment hit her with the subtlety of a brick to the face. “{Wh-}”

“{Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh, I fuck. I fuck my women to satisfaction, I’ve fucked through three separate honeymoons and more heat seasons than I’d care to admit, I’ve fucked dozens of pups into this world, I’ve fucked four healthy and bountiful boys into the great hunt of life with my ancestors blessings, and if you fuck with them you will fuck with me, and no woman outside of my wives who fucks with me will live to see the dawn.}”

“Oh.” Thought Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh, her body starting to relax as she realized this was where the bones were going to be broken. “Well, this makes sense at leas-

“{Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh, Sire Dregszr-of-Azrezr, two brothers, 5 uncles most of which are locals and one of which – Nzgrezt – is a friend of mine. You see, while my wives may have to look up things on their fancy computers, I just use the oldest network known to our kind – gossip.}”

At this, Dzgranra-of-Arzgr smiled, and it was not a kind smile. “{Zngrer, if you fuck with my son on this night or any night – and I don’t mean the type that produces my long-overdue grandchildren – I will immediately call a clan meeting, and a tribe meeting if necessary. I will use all the power in me, all my connections, all my will to have you disowned, I will have you branded unfaithful, I will have your clan’s doors shut to you, I will have Dregszr bite his palm and break his tooth and you will be cast out into the street and you will have no friend to turn to.}”

Dzgranra-of-Arzgr leaned forward and planted a soft kiss – a cold, heartless thing – on Zngrer’s chest, the ice from his lips seeping into her very core. “{And I will be there, as the sun rises, and I, with your brothers and your father and your uncles and all the males who have ever known you and seen you grow, will kill you in the street that we find you in, and no court on this planet will convict us.}”

Dzgranra-of-Arzgr, somehow looming larger, somehow seeming stronger than before, towered over the young, cold, small female, a wide smile breaking across his face.

“{Be home by 11.}”

The cafe was warm, welcoming, and dare I even say cheery – not in that “do you have enough flare on your vest, let’s all clap at the birthday table and see if we can induce a panic attack for instagram” kind of cheer, but in the kind of cheer of good friends getting together to have some wholesome fun. It was a place you could go where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad that you came – and it’s atmosphere welcomed everyone, regardless if you’d be a big spender or small, staying there for just a few moments or hours at a time. Due to it’s centrality in Silver City, it was one of the few places that allowed interior fire-like fire-light; it was all washed out with harsh bluelight as soon as you left the cafe, and the interior lighting wasn’t really heavily regulated with so many redundant systems in place.

Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh had only planned to be here for a few minutes to get a take-out order, set the mood and possibly grab some energy bars for electrolyte replenishment, because being uncomfortably sore in the morning was no fun at all. However, that whole plan was thrown out the window with the conversation she had with her date’s father, and now her eyes were glued on the proverbial clock.

“{Um… he’s… not that bad.}” Ngruzren murmured, sipping his warm drink to break the silence. Idly, he looked out the window, staring through his reflection in the glass. “{Though, come to think of it I always wondered why we never had any divorces in our entire clan…}”

Zngrer turned to respond and caught a glimpse of an older male – a great-great-grandfather, by the look of it – look around the room happily.

Well. His head did. His eyes stayed fixed on the table Zngrer sat at. He didn’t even look away when his table was serviced… by another male… looking directly at her-

“{Sweetmeat~?}”

Zngrer’s focus snapped back with a little too much zeal, her hands pressing flat into the table face. “{I didn’t do nothin!}”

Ngruzren sighed, placing his drinking bowl on it’s saucer. “{Please try to forget that, ok? I’m an adult, you’re an adult, we can have a good time.}” Ngruzren smiled, leaning over slightly to let his robe slip a bit, showing a bit more of his vantablack mane. “{Did you know? The white patch on my tail isn’t the only white patch of fur I’ve got~}”

“{Did you know that the land-speed velocity of an unladen Terror-Beast is roughly 25km/hr?}” Zngrer said, making sure to speak a little too loudly to make sure she lived to see the dawn. Ngruzren huffed and leaned back, drumming his fingers on the table.

“{Really?}”

“{What.}”

“{Really?}” Ngruzren said, licking at his prosthetic in irritation. “{What happened to that strong, confident PDF soldier who swept me off my feet?}”

“{I-I mean, I’m still here.}” Zngrer said, frowning. “{It’s just… damn. I’ve never been, I mean. That was, uh.}”

“{A lot?}” Ngruzren said, letting his arms slide forward to grab his date’s paws in his own. “{Look, he’s just like any father – he wants to make sure his little boy is taken care of, and that’s not something to make light of. Besides, I know you’re good people, You know you’re good people, so there’s no problem, right?}”

“{R-right. Yeah.}” Zngrer said, squeezing Ngruzren’s paws in her own. “{I mean, considering how close we got on that elevator ride down-}”

Zngrer grinned as she felt a firm kick under the table. “{That was … the heat of the moment!}” Ngruzren huffed, giving Zngrer a smoldering look. “{It’s not my fault you took liberties on that slow ride down~}”

“{Mmm, well tell me then – when can I feel another kind of heat-}”

Zngrer’s laughed as her shin was assaulted under the table again, gaining some confidence back from the shameless flirting going on. “{I’m not hearing a no-}”

“{Mmm, well. I tell you what… you have three guesses as to where my other white patch is.}”

“{And if I get it right? What’s in it for me?}” Zngrer said, leaning forward.

“{I’ll show it to you~}” Ngruzren murmured, huskily, as he leaned over the table as well, letting his robe slip open just a bit more.

“{That’s not good enough – I want more.}” Zngrer-of-Drgrabgh rumbled, the fear of a few hours ago melting away with the passion of the moment.

“{I’ll… let you touch it…}”

Their faces almost touching, breath hot on each other’s lips, Ngruzren locked eyes with Zngrer and time stood still.

“{You’ll beg me to take it before the end of the ni-}”

The window to the cafe wasn’t so much glass as it was a plastic polymer. It was incredibly well insulated, double-walled with an air gap, microbot washed and tempered to be 100% clear. The beauty of this clarity was that you could experience all the joy of the outdoors while still staying comfortable and climate controlled inside. You also didn’t have to worry about the pesky insects or fauna coming in to ruin your meal – heck, I don’t need to explain the benefits of windows to you, dear reader, you know. However, to most species (save for the new additions) they could intrinsically tell the pane was there, due to changes in air pressure, the way light refracted off of it, or just by payin’ the heck attention to their surroundings.

Humans… had trouble. Humans trying the sick new extreme sport of Mothing had absolutely no hope at all.

With an incredibly concerning WHAM a helmeted human slammed into the window pane, the moth-backpack helpfully flapping it’s wings to get towards the oranger light on the inside. This did nothing to get the Terror-Beast closer to the nice warm light but it did everything to gently and firmly smear the tiny-chomper against the glass, which did everything to absolutely disrupt every conversation in the cafe and ruin the mood of Booth 2A completely.

“[AHM OHKAY.]” The tiny-chomper said, one hand giving a “thumb’s up” and the other hand trying to push away from the window. The Terror-Beast, confused at the invisible wizardry at play, gripped it’s pilot a bit tighter and lifted off, erratically crossing the street at transport-height level, causing a few vehicles to slam on their breaks. Ngruzren and Zngrer watched, in silence, as a small group of mixed citizenry followed-without-following the tiny-chomper; every so often when the Terror-Beast would dip concerningly in the air a few dozen hands would reach up to provide insurance on the off chance the tiny-chomper fell.

He never did, though. He also didn’t appear to notice he had a following, or that hyper-clear windows were a thing.

There was another concerning but significantly muted WHAM as he hit a window’d bar a few stories up from across the street before drifting off into the night.

The two Dorarizin looked at each other, and a few moments later broke out in laughter.

Categories
Stories They are Smol

They are Smol – and it’s a Smol World: Epilogue Part 2

The light was too harsh, Jon decided, as he sat in the uncomfortable chair, elbows resting on the cold metal table. His fingers ran through his damp hair, slick with both water and sweat, as he tried to control his breathing.

“Can you stop fucking with the heat?”

“WE ARE NOT.” Came the robotic voice from behind the mirror wall. The table was pressed up against the wall, giving it the illusion that it somehow continued past the reflection – and it very well might have – but Jon would never know; it just put him face to face with his own damn self.

His own damn sexy self, damp in a chair with a spotlight on him –

“PLEASE STOP DOING THAT.”

“Doing~ what~” Jon said coyly, arching his back under the light like a certain singer from long ago, kicking a hairy leg up in the air as he continued to gaze at his sexy self.

“WE WILL WITHOLD ADDITIONAL SNACKS-”

“Holyshitokfuck.” Rumbled Jon, sitting back down like a proper human being. “So when can I go, exactly? I didn’t do nothin’, and I know my rights.”

There was a pregnant pause, before the robotic voice came back. “START FROM THE BEGINNING, AGAIN.”

Jon groaned. “For fuck’s sake, alright, look. I admitted to the hypnotic midget-foot orgy porn! I even showed you that was what I was downloadin’ when you busted down my door-”

“PLEASE DO NOT EVER SPEAK THOSE WORDS AGAIN.”

“Well you asked-” Jon murmured, hand idly fishing into the XXXTREME FLAVOR Dodino Dustbowl SnaccattaccPacc for something to nibble on.

“. . .” There was an auto-tuned sigh before the mic cut off, and after a few seconds Jon figured he was left to his own devices again. Leaning back until he was wobbling on two chair legs, he mentally went over his timeline once again: He was innocently shitposting as God intended when he was innocently brought on to an illegal galnet node connection, innocently. And then he innocently shared innocent human culture with people he innocently thought were other innocent humans but who lied to him. Then he innocently disconnected and began to innocently download some vanilla hypnotic midge-

“PLEASE DO NOT FINISH THAT THOUGHT.”

Gbuhs?” Jon flinched, waving his arms around for stabilization as his chair legs made contact with the floor once more. “You can read minds?! FUCK-”

“YOU WERE SPEAKING OUT LOUD. AGAIN.”

“Oh.”

Jon stared at his reflection for a few moments.

His sexy reflection, damp in a chair with a spotlight on hi-

“STOP NARRATING.”

“Well then STOP leaving me in here already! It’s been weeks-”

YOU WERE COLLECTED 3 HOURS AGO.”

“Which is weeks in internet time I better be getting overtime for that-”

“YOU. YOU.” There was a pause and a buzz, and then a very human and very feminine voice on the other end of the mirror. “You have absolutely no idea how fucked you are right now, do you?”

Jon leaned forward, wiggling his eyebrows and providing his reflection a roguish grin. “I mean, I didn’t know it was that kind of setup. Did Aisha get my birthday wishlist? Cause there’s a surprising lack of Finnish BDSM sauna-witches, and-”

“Jonathan Protagonista. Employee -B44-286J of the Starforge installation. 8 years of employment, zero promotions, 1,500 minor citations, zero unpaid union dues.”

“Oooo, a stalker~”

The voice behind the mirror slapped a file on their table, the sound picked up on the mic and letting Jon know that there was a very heated whispering discussion going on. “At 1840 Hours local, 0583 Chrono, you pinged this system’s Galactic Network Node.”

“Again, not a crime.” Jon said, rolling his hand idly.

“You then used illegal navigation techniques as listed under the Intergalactic Commons Code of Conduct to connect to an unlisted partition-”

“Ok, not a terrible crime. Just dock my pay like you nerds usually do-”

The voice continued, unabated. “- and shared encrypted, according to you ‘human culture’ information with said Galactic Network Node, over the course of 18 days.”

“My people are a proud and noble race, rich with culture and-”

“Less than 34 hours after you last connected to the system’s Galactic Network Node, a human outpost was attacked.”

Jon stopped mid-sentence. “-wh. What?”

“The severity of the attack led to the deployment of military assets to the colony. Multiple military assets.” The female on the other end of the mirror said, taking a deep breath. “The corresponding combat engagement damaged colony structures, injured multiple colonists, downed no less than 47 civilian aircraft.”

Jon’s chair met the floor as he stood up, the sudden movement skittering it backwards as he slammed his hands on the table. “JESUS CHRIST, NO. I DIDN’T- I HAD. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH-”

“AGAIN.” She roared, and Jon’s protests died in his throat. “We’re starting from the beginning, again. What were you sharing, Jon?”

“N-nothing. I wasn’t sharing anything!”

“28 days of nothing, Jon? How can you waste 28 days on nothing-”

Jon rolled his eyes. “You’ve obviously never met a true gamer-”

“JON.” The voice behind the mirror roared, and he sighed.

“Look.” Jon groaned, rubbing his face a bit too aggressively in frustration. “Ok, I joined the node, fine, you got me there. I was literally shitposting, and that’s it.”

“What did you… shitpost, Jon?”

“Are… are you asking to enter my magical realm-”

“What did you send, Jon?” The voice asked, deadpan. “Tell me.”

“I. Look. Do you not – how do you not know what a shitpost is in current year?!” Jon rambled, waving his arms wide. “It’s – it’s shitposting. Memes! The DNA of the Soul-”

“What did you send, Jon?”

“I don’t know – how many breads have you had in your life?” Jon asked incredulously. “I don’t remember! It’s just-”

“UNREGULATED, UNAPPROVED CULTURAL EXCHANGE.” The voice said, the abrasive switch back to robot causing Jon to flinch.

“Yeah. Ye-yeah. That’s it. That’s all it was. Some… some American-territory football memes, some uh… pre-unity space memes too. A few other things.”

“WHAT ELSE.” The voice demanded.

“… I don’t know.”

“YOU’RE LYING.”

“And you’re being unreasonable!” Jon said, hands pressed against the table. “And I think it’s time I stopped stalling and leveled the playing field!”

“. . .” There was another pregnant pause as Jon made the most of the time he had, sweeping his arm across the table, knocking over the Dodinos along with the other provided food and drink.

“XANATOS GAMBIT!” Jon yelled, posing dramatically as…

“… JON WE ARE NOT GOING TO PROVIDE YOU MORE SNACKS.”

“You. You’re monsters. But it’s ok; my triumph is at hand.”

“JON WHAT.” The voice started before it suddenly cut off. A small, shoebox-sized door opened up along the wall, and a nondescript roomba rolled it’s way into the room.

Roomba~” Jon cooed, walking over and picking up the protesting robot, hugging it to his chest tightly. The Roomba, statistically not the same Roomba that was still in Jon’s room, began to clean what it registered as “the floor” which was actually Jon’s shirt.

“Aww, I love you too, buddy.”

“. . .JON. ARE YOU ON MEDICATION?”

“The only medication I’m on is FREEDOM, Imperial!” Jon sneered, the roomba rolling up more and more of Jon’s shirt front in it’s gears. “And your tyranny ends today.”

“JON WH-”

The voice suddenly cut off.

S.Sgt. Joline, for the past few hours, had been trying to break what she – and most of the other spooks with her – thought was a subversive terrorist element in their midst. Petabytes of data, poured into a node that didn’t exist, and then less than a day later humans are attacked?

Not a coincidence.

So Jonathan Protagonista was picked up from his room with minor protests; a thorough shakedown of his room found nothing terribly out of the ordinary, and he was smart enough to wipe all his data. Forensics were still pouring over what they could find, but most of it was porn, and not the good kind of porn.

So, They – with a capital T – dumped him into this room, and so They – again, with a capital T – started to pick him apart.

15 minutes after They started questioning him, They realized he was no terrorist. He wasn’t even a political organizer. Hell, He could barely even be called a member of society!

This, of course, fascinated everyone. Who was he? What did he want?

30 minutes into questioning, the conversation changed – less from “what does this lone madman want” and more “how did this barely-functioning idiot get spacewalk-rated for ship welding” and then to “Oh dear God did he work on this ship?” and ultimately to “WHERE DID HE WELD?!”

Which left S.Sgt Joline, for the most part, alone with the madman-turned-idiot. It was entertaining to watch him for the first hour or so, and she did have to admit his responses were somewhat funny, but.

But.

But roughly 2.8 Million GRC worth of damage occurred in less than a day, the incident reports alone would take a week to fill out, and the ripples of last night were going to be felt for weeks, if not months down the line. That meant that the bigwigs wanted answers, and that meant that she needed to pry something of value from this idiot.

And now he apparently yelled a codeword and started to hug a roomba. Idly she scribbled “stress-induced psychosis?” on his file, the group of Them in the room with her making calls, checking EM frequencies for any sort of signal, and generally being the best of the best of the best. The sound of a cleaning-droid door opened; someone must’ve dropped something on the floor at Jon’s outburst.

S.Sgt Joline stared through the one-way mirror, studying Jonathan. The hair on the back of her neck stood up, and Jon grinned wildly.

What the hell? What’s got him so happy?

‘For that matter,’ Joline thought, ‘what’s getting me spooked?’

Her finger depressed a button, the click echoing throughout the room. “JON WH-”

Wait.

Silence.

Her finger left the button and she whipped around, her sidearm out of it’s holster in the blink of an eye. They were still there, but…

“Is that a herd of Roombas?” Miguel said, his arms crossed as more and more of the little cleaning bots entered the room.

“I… who spilled?” Lt. Hong sighed, looking under his chair. “Come on, fess up.”

“That’s a lot of Roombas.” Joline murmured, putting her gun back in it’s holster.

“Do you like my children?” Jon mocked through the glass, and They turned as one to face the madman. “They do so love me. And they do so hate when I’m hurt…”

“…Stress-induced Psychosis, absolutely.” Joline said, sighing. “I think we got everything we can ge-”

Beep.

A Roomba whirred, somehow menacingly at Them, moving to the center of the room and spinning slowly. Another broke off from the herd and Beeped an order at Lr. Hong.

“I. What.” Lt. Hong said.

The Roomba opened a port side door, an open switchblade tumbling out onto the floor.

Beep.

Another roomba rolled forward, cleaning up the switchblade mess. Menacingly.

“Have you seen Dodino stains in the moonlight?” Jon said, petting the roomba who was unsuccessfully eating his shirt. “It appears quite black.”

Miguel walked over and gently kicked the roomba in the center of the room. As one, the herd… did absolutely nothing.

“He’s insane.”

“I’m still getting PTO for this, right?” Jon said with concern in his voice, realizing that the mirror hadn’t talked to him in a while and the roomba on his chest had started to painfully constrict his movement. “Like, I’m sure it’s a holiday tomorrow somewhere.”

“No.” Jolene sighed, shaking her head with a soft, sad smile. “He’s an idiot.”

Jon tapped on the glass with a free hand. “Can someone help? It’s – aah! – got my nipple-”

3 DAYS LATER

= = = = = = =

“Alright, again, from the beginning Lt. Heinz.” Jolene said, softly, as she held the pilot’s hand in her own. He still had some tremors, but if that was from the stimulants he overdosed on or the mild dehydration he was still recovering from, she didn’t know. They – not They with a T, They as in ‘the recovery team’ – found UNIT ZERO ONE about 2 miles away from the creature colloquially known as MOTHER, in a slightly burned-out patch of ‘forest’. The recovery team waited for MOTHER to fall into a semi-dormant state, whereupon UNIT ZERO ONE was recovered. Prying Lt. Heinz out of his seat took a few more hours, but eventually he was freed, passed through medbay, debriefing, and now… here. In the therapy/interrogation wing.

“Nnnn. I was the killiest motherfucker-”

Jolene patted his hand, giving it an affirmative squeeze. “Yes, yes you were. And then what happened?”

“Muh guns-”

“They jammed, right?”

Lt. Heinz nodded, a sad sob escaping from his lips before he attempted to force composure again. “They broke my gun-”

Jolene nodded, leaning forward. “Then the MOTHER took you somewhere. What happened?”

“I… I got dropped off, and – and poked, uh. And then I started a fire, and then that cunt flew over and… and…” Lt. Heinz shook for a moment, before meeting Jolene’s gaze – his eyes wide with fear and memory.

“They made me watch.”

Categories
Stories They are Smol

They are Smol – and it’s a Smol World: Epilogue pt. 1

It took five hours.

At first blush, this would make sense – you had to put out a tarmac fire, dislodge a couple war-mechs from a few innocent buildings, perform medical triage on the willing humans, attempt to perform medical triage on the non-willing humans, coordinate with multiple ground crews and your city, colony and global governments, all of whom were raising their collective heads from behind their desks and demanding answers to seem as if they were on top of the whole cluster-fuck from the beginning.

That took all of 20 minutes. It was the addition of three generations of pissed off latinos that added another three hours. As everyone within earshot began to feel the heat a few of the more passionate humans/xenos first responders attempted to argue their positions and defend their actions.

This did not work. This did the opposite of work.

This also, somehow, brought in almost every overly-nosy colonist – which as we all know means that group included pretty much everyone over 110 years old who had an opinion. We say “somehow” showed up, but it was a combination of bluster, cajoling, co-ordinated meandering, choreographed misdirection and/or straight-up elevator hijacking to get their way to the top to see what was going on and what the good gossip would be. When they saw the passionate arguing that was going on, and how it was basically open season on anyone within earshot… well. Police officers were told off, children learned the depths of disappointment their parents had for them, electricians were shamed for not fixing the Google so we could watch our soaps, and – of course – emergency personnel were faced with a silver-haired wall of confusion and general grumpiness because they were going after Isabella and we play bingo with Isabella and her children are so well behaved

So. That added a couple more hours, and would have happily sandbagged the entire cleanup operation for the rest of the night if the local Denny’s didn’t think quick and start their senior’s breakfast a dozen hours early, proving that the only thing more powerful than the military industrial complex are irate senior citizens with unlimited time on their hands and the desire to complain about every perceived slight to someone whose job it is to sit there and listen.

So it took five hours.

SOMETIME DURING THOSE FIVE HOURS:

– – –

“[I’m uh… excuse me, ma’am? May I speak to Juan Esteban?]” Swipressnssren said, timidly raising his hand in a half-emphatic ‘I’d like to ask a question’ gesture. The smallest human child had of course been the primary target of pretty much everyone once the fire stopped rising; a kneeling, crying, bleeding from the face child still grappled by a wild beast and being literally hen-pecked would be enough to move the coldest of hearts, let alone trained paramedics, extremely concerned xenos or overly-protective parents. While Isabella was busy fighting the demons in the sky, her daughter Sofia saw the issue, vaulted over her progeny-wall, and sprinted towards her youngest child.

It looked worse than it was, and it looked *bad*. Juan’s nose was very much broken, and there would be bruising and swelling – the concussion also didn’t really help, but the important thing was that he was alive – for the moment. After surviving a full-scorpion onto a tarmac he had to survive being crushed by his mother in a deep, protective hug. Then the hug from his father. Then the hug from his abuela. Then the hugs from his older siblings, a smothering from the Dorarizin that were assembled, and eventually the 10,000 trials of “being hugged and mothered over by every old person in the settlement” once they got tired of yelling at the other young people for being young.

All of this was well and good, but Swipressnssren – Persimmon – needed to make sure of one very simple fact that had nothing to do with Juan’s health:

Did the human child remember him pinballing the youth off of the tarmac in the first place?

“[J-Just a moment? Please?]” The Jornissian murmured again as the preteen was passed to a cajun elder who began to mother over him in a deep bayou french, shooting very dirty looks at the giant snake who would dare let such a darling little child come to har-

“Yeth. Onh Thekond?” Juan Esteban slurred, the cold compress and painkillers very much kicking in. The most recent grandmother reluctantly let the child go, but the movement seemed to have broken a spell – the other elderly humans just started to mill about; if the little boy was OK to stand, then he was OK to … well, not die again presumably. The human child stood up proudly, then leaned forward, stumbled a bit, then over-corrected backwards before windmilling his arms about to hold himself steady.

Eggsmerelda clucked and shook her head, staying nearby to keep the boy out of further trouble.

“[Ah… you… ok?]”

“Am gooh to goh.” Juan said, nodding slightly too-far-to-the-left of Swipressnssren, giving the air over his shoulder a positive thumbs up. Swipressnssren nodded in the manner of humans, slowly, leaning down to coil his body around the boy to support him gently and to give him a small bit of privacy.

“[So… not to… add more burdens on your mind, as it were, but I wanted to make sure you rea- of, ah, what you remembered from earlier tonight.]”

Juan squinted in someone’s general direction before shakily leaning back against the Jornissian’s scales, looking him in the eyes. And forehead. “Whayooh meam?”

Swipressnssren scrunched his nose slightly, looking around before lowering his voice to a bare whisper. “[I was the only… person to notice your plight, and in my haste to save you I may have… ah… not?]”

Juan pondered for a moment, then nodded slightly. “Mbebbm.”

Swipressnssren swallowed, hard. “[And I was… hoping maybe, we don’t… discuss that part?]”

Juan found himself for the first time in his life – and it would not be the last, mind you – where he was wrapped in a Jornissian’s coils and yet had the larger, more dangerous and more desperate xenos wrapped in kind around his finger. Although making high-stakes bets against crime families in the competitive Mothracing circuit wouldn’t come for many more years yet and is a painfully boring story for me to recount to you, dear reader, the only thing to take away from this moment is that he was in charge and had a blank check.

“Whads id worf do yah?”

Swipressnssren coiled a bit tighter as a ripple of adrenaline sparked through him, before relaxing. “[500GRC.]”

“Pive Hunbreb? Steben hunbreb – an dibs is mim.”

“[700? Fine. And what do you mean, this is yours?]”

“Bib.” Juan said, waving at the still-nearby terror-beast moth, who through a complex and confusing cocktail of chemicals that were currently racing through his brain had stayed nearby, waiting for it’s chance to swoop back down and hug the small lightbringer.

Swipressnssren thought for a moment, looking at the terror-beast. “[The… moth? I mean, I guess, sure, it’s yours.]”

“Yeb.” Juan nodded, moving his head a bit too quickly and blacking out. Again.

And so the backroom deal was struck, and casual Mothing – and competitive Mothracing became an official human cultural artifact.

“HUMMUS, what’s the deal?” Lt. Dan Heinz said, groaning in a mixture of exhaustion and annoyance. It wasn’t so much that he failed his OP – certainly, that was unfortunate, but the definition of “failure” could be stretched or shortened at will, and technically he didn’t die and technically UNIT ZERO ONE is still intact and technically the civilians were saved and CASINO will remain open, so. Technically he succeeded, but the giant fuck-off moth didn’t die so it didn’t matter now did it?!

“CHICKPEA, we’re… well. We’re still trying to figure out what to do next.” CHICKPEA said flatly, the sound of a turning magazine page picked up on the mic. “PDF won’t let us deploy because of environmental concerns – there’s no data on what this thing is, and how to actually… manage it. Second, you’re outside of the colony and therefore outside of our jurisdiction; if you’re willing to abandon ZERO ONE-”

“Over my dead body.”

“Our sentiments exactly.” HUMMUS said, the flip of another page punctuating her sentences. “We’ll detonate that sumbitch remotely with you in it on top of a fucking orphanage before we let it fall into xenos hands.” Flip. “Which means you’re stuck until we can convince them to let a human-led rescue force come and dislodge you from your new mistress of the night.”

“HUMMUS that’s not funny.” Lt. Heinz said, crossing his arms and leaning back into his harness. The Giant Fuck-off Moth, now known as MOTHER, had taken his technically-a-totally-legit-gundam far outside city limits, dropping him off at a dead spot in some ancient old-growth forest somewhere in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. This apparently wasn’t good enough for the beast, and every so often she would take one of her giant limbs and press down on his vehicle, rubbing him back and forth into the powdery dirt, dead “trees” and dry forest debris.

Speaking of, the beast began to rock his mech once again, rolling him from side to side. “This is getting old, HUMMUS.”

“Yeah, well. You’ve got no main gun, you can’t fit through the tunnel-”

“I can dislocate my arms! Crawl through like a snake~” Lt. Heinz said, motioning to the un-powered ammunition teleportation gate behind him. “I’ll be unstoppable-”

There was a pregnant pause as HUMMUS checked on the nitrogen and atmospheric levels in CHICKPEA’s cockpit. Finding nothing out of the ordinary she shrugged, flipping another page of her magazine. “Mmm. Sure thing sport, I’ll pass that along to the admiral himself.”

“I’m serious, HUMMUS. I can do it. I can do it.”

“You’re getting stir-crazy-”

“IT’S BEEN SEVEN HOURS, HUMMUS.” Lt. Heinz roared, punching one of his console screens. “I FAILED my mission, I LOST my hardware, I AM CAPTURED by the enemy-”

The vehicle rocked gently from side to side.

“AND THIS BITCH KEEPS TRYING ME-”

“CHICKPEA, just calm down.” Flip.

“I MEAN IT, HUMMUS. I’ll go out there with a KNIFE-” Lt. Heinz said, making not-at-all crazy-person stabbing motions at the air infront of him. “Yeeeah, just like that, right in the kidneys-”

HUMMUS sighed and put her mic on mute, sharing a pointed look with the on-duty medical officer. Dr.Ngyuen just shrugged non-commitally, scrolling through his tablet. “Still experiencing adrenaline spikes, extreme feelings of shame and inadequacy, stressors of an unknown unknown, cabin fever – and I’m pretty sure his piss bag is full by now, if he’s not already switched to jars he should star-”

“Yeah, yeah, but like… I don’t know. This is normal?”

“For him?” Dr.Nguyen said, raising his eyebrows. “…Yes.”

“Hmm.” HUMMUS turned to look at the rest of the bridge, which was now very much alive with quants, wonks and skunkworks reviewing data, drawing on glowboards and generally earning their higher pay. The top brass was huddled around the Armiral’s console, forming a wall of seniority that no mere midshipman could hope to scale, their words flowing in hushed whispers as they spoke to each other, to Earth, to Gentle Expanse and to a dozen other places besides. HUMMUS was, in essence, an island unto herself; as CHICKPEA’s operator-partner she wasn’t allowed to just bail on him while he was in-mission, and due to the unique situation they found themselves in everyone agreed that keeping her on deck to suffer with Lt. Heinz would be the best thing for everyone involved. Not only was she available for questioning, but the residual exhaustion that CHICKPEA would get over the comms would soothe his blackened soul just enough to stop him from doing something incredibly dumb.

Like attacking a giant moth with a knife. Or an MRE spoon.

HUMMUS’ mind wandered while CHICKPEA continued to growl into his mic about having 2000 confirmed kills and being everyone’s worst nightmare. Something didn’t add up, and it bordered the edges of her memory like an immigrant family trying to find a hole in a border fence to obtain a better life for their children.

Environmental Concerns.

PDF.

Planetary Ecosystems.

Stabbing the kidneys

“CHICKPEA?” HUMMUS said, unmuting her mic absentmindedly.

“-then crawl through it’s wings gnawing the flight-dust from-”

“CHICKPEA.” HUMMUS said more insistently, stopping the still-not-a-crazy-person-I’m-just-from-Florida monologue.

“What? Am I free? Are you going to orbital strike me? Please orbital strike me-”

“No. Just. You still have your scramble missiles?”

“. . . You do realize those are long-range and the bitch is right here taunting me-

“Mmm. Why you?” HUMMUS mused out loud. “Why did the beast take you?”

I don’t fucking know-”

“Think. Why you, though? There were other ships, if she was hungry there were civilians, she could’ve probably lifted that entire tarmac by herself if she fucking wanted to. Why you?”

“. . . Look this is not the time to play riddlemaster with me-”

“Why?”

“Fuck if I know! One moment I’m firing at her-”

Wait.

Fire.

“CHICKPEA I want you to listen to me-” HUMMUS said, the sudden shift in her tone snapping Lt. Heinz back into work mode. She sat up, her fingers beginning to run across her console in a slow, halting, but determined fashion.

“What’s the game plan, boss?”

“I’m going to re-open energy transmission to you beyond background emergency-”

“Ayy, ok! So we are going with plan: KAIJU KOMBAT-” Lt. Heinz said gleefully, clapping his hands together before flicking on a few switches at his console.

“No. I want you to find your orientation-”

“Alright. Prone, of course-” Various indicators began to flicker to life as more power was beamed into his mech, redundant systems crackling back to life. “I’m… let’s see. Well apparently 220, but again; prone.”

“That’s fine.” HUMMUS said, unaware that she had gained the attention of a few of the bridge crew, who sensed that something was about to happen. “Crown cameras still good?”

“Yeah?”

“Good. Point them up – I want to see what your missiles can hit.”

Lt. Heinz sighed, the sound of a few systems being kicked on literally echoing into his mic. “I mean, sure. Data should be xmit back to you – nothing, nothing and oh look – nothing.”

HUMMUS scanned the cameras before nodding to herself. As she leaned back the ghostly and unblinking visage of Adm. Smalls stared at her, unflinching. “Surely you weren’t about to do something without running it by me, Lieutenant.”

“Aye sir, no sir. My thought was, sir, that since we’re still weapons-free that we would use UNIT ZERO ONE’S scramble missiles to ignite brush ah… here.” HUMMUS said, pointing to a part of the satellite overlay.

“And why would we start a brushfire on purpose?”

“Sir, my thought was that MOTHER was attracted to the fire that UNIT ZERO ONE caused with his impact landing.” HUMMUS explained, and a flash of a question rippled under the Admiral’s stony face. “If that was the case, sir, then that would explain why MOTHER took UNIT ZERO ONE – it believes it can start another fire, for whatever purpose it needs.”

Admiral Smalls looked at HUMMUS, looked at the screen, and then back at HUMMUS. “Officially I cannot condone the discharge or launch of any weapons system outside of colony jurisdiction or not in an emergency setting, under UNSC/IGS Codes 12.8. However-” Admiral Smalls smiled, just slightly, but it was enough to cause HUMMUS to break out into a wide grin. “-if due to the abuse of our weapons system there was an accidental discharge, we would not be held liable. Understood?”

“Aye, sir.”

“Good. I and my Officers will be in Meeting Room 1-A, taking calls from various governing bodies if you need to alert us of any changes in the next 30 minutes or so.”

“Aye, sir.”

Admiral Smalls gave a small nod, stood back up, and promptly walked off of the bridge.

It defied HER, and it paid for it’s insolence.

Shamed.

Beaten.

Broken. Like the others that came before HER, from the times before memory, that fell before HER, or ones like her, a million million days ago.

However, maybe this one was a little too broken. SHE had brought it to a prime place; old, dead wood that should have been cleaned, rejuvenated, countless nights ago. Soil rich for HER eggs to be planted into, detritus heavy to cover them well, stalks dead and fat with richness for them to feed upon, to grow. The back of HER mind was very very pleased with this spot, and HER body ached with the need to use it, before the sleep came upon HER, before she ceased to be until the stirring awoke HER once more.

But this thing. It did not cooperate.

It made the fire – it makes fire – that SHE knew. Yet, it did not make fire again. Tentatively, SHE reached out and prodded it with HER forelimb; it rocked, playing dead, but SHE could still feel the life inside it, the hum, the heat.

So SHE poked it again. SHE would wait.

So SHE poked it again. SHE would wait.

So SHE poked it again. SHE would wait.

So SHE pok-

It’s back erupted in glorious heat, the sudden scream of fire and fury triggering HER to take flight, HER impossibly large body lifting off of the thing as it’s hot claws scratched against the sky, tracing, tracing, tracing –

There was a deafening explosion.

There was a massive conflagration of heat.

 

So SHE left it alone. SHE had waited long enough.

Categories
Stories They are Smol Oneshot

They are Smol – AND HUNTING FOR DISCOUNTS! 2019 BF/CM

“I’m in.”

The balaclava wearing man hunched over his multiple computer monitors, Russian Hardbass playing at dangerously bass-boosted levels. A half-empty bottle of vodka was wreathed by stubbed-out cigarettes on the well-worn desk, cigarette ash falling haphazardly into his many mechanical keyboards. The clacking noise of his fingers against the keys provided an ever-present undertone to the playlist – and it was only minute one out of a potential 96 hour marathon. The similarly-clad agent on the other side of the skype call let out a mirthless laugh, stubbing out his own cigarette on his keyboard.

“Cyka, you better be. We can’t do this forever, but we can buy you the next few hours.”

“Tch, Blyad. With this clearance level I can stay in here for weeks-”

“But you have 4 days.”

“Da. That’s all I need.”

“No, that’s all you have. Our window of opportunity isn’t forever-”

On his screen, a battle was waging – multiple accounts hacked, small amounts of GRC moved here or there, wallets opened and checked before disconnecting and sanitizing the server. He was playing a game of “how much can I get away with before the algo knows I’m here” and the answer was, surprisingly, a lot.

“Da, da. You done?”

“Pizda. Don’t forget this kindness.”

The first breaker snapped, and suddenly the balaclava-clad man had sudo-user access. For the first time, he smiled.

“Nothing I am about to do is kind, comrade.”

With a keystroke, a command was entered.

With that keystroke, Zephyr Station 8 Descended into chaos.

= = = = = =

“<GET UP, VERMIN.>”

The two humans groaned as harsh light flooded their cold cell, the two beings shakily standing to their feet. There was no way for them to know how long they’ve been held, and there was no way to know when they would be rescued. They weren’t exactly in … civilized space, after all, and their “warden” – using that term loosely and generously – constantly took advantage of that fact.

“[We’re up, we’re up! You don’t have to be so mean!]”

Dr’sspremsnkresh smiled maliciously through the titanium bars. “<Oh? Sass? So early in the day? Well I know just what to give you to shut that mouth of yours up->”

“[W-wait!]” The other human said, reaching out towards the bars. “[Please, we didn’t mean-]”

There was the sound of a squeak, and then a rushing torrent of cold water as the two humans were hosed down. The cell was already kept cool, so the water absolutely did not help at all. After a few moments of the humans fighting vainly against the torrent of water it was shut off, only to be replaced with the mocking laughter of the warden.

“[Oh no!]” The one female said, turning to the other. “[These threadbare prison clothes are now totally soaked through! You can even see my enlarged and soft breas-]”

– –

“[Shpressnrek-]”

“<IT’S EDUCATIONAL->” Shpressnrek yelled far too loudly, reflexively slamming her console with her hands in a panic to change everything. “The Misadventures of Warm and Wet” were very quickly replaced with spreadsheets, crew manifestos, atmospheric readouts and … well, “The Misadventures of Warm and Wet” – except now the audio was somehow coming out of the speakers.

Jessica – nee Eagle-screm – recoiled slightly at the quick and panicked movement, the clipboard she was holding moving from “flat table” to “desperate shield of last resort”.

“<-That’s right, humans. You’ll have to take off those wet clothes and huddle for warmth->”

“[W-wait-]” Jessica said, lowering her shield just a bit.

Shpressnrek’s hands were a flurry over her console, trying to desperately figure out what the fuck happened, what settings were changed, and how to get the very erotic and not at all work-safe sounds to stop coming from her work console.

“[-so big! There’s no way we can fit that all inside-]”

“[No way! Shpressnrek, I know it’s the night shift but is that-]”

“<IT’S AN EDUCATIONAL FILM AND ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE->” Shpressnrek anxiety-hissed; apparently she had somehow pushed the movie to a desktop that she didn’t even setup and the damn thing had used her default speakers and she couldn’t get in without 2FA and why did they ever let humans help code their consoles ever-

“<That’s right, both of->”

There was a very loud PANG of flesh-on-metal, and a soft whine as the speakers slowly lost their charge. Eagle-Screm lowered her clipboard just enough to see that her shift co-worker, Shpressnrek, had physically punched out the main speaker of her console. This of course didn’t mean that the movie had stopped playing, and that meant that there was still shenanigans afoot.

“[Let me see.]”

“<See what?>”

“[The porno. Let me see it!]”

“<Eagle-screm I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. I am a professional with a stellar and clean track record with over 200 confirmed years->”

“[200 years of watching porn! And warmcuddle porn too!]” Eagle-screm grinned, physically tossing the clipboard away as she started to climb over the railing to invade Shpressnrek’s personal space. “[Now come on let me see the good stuff!]” Jessica’s over-excited scramble to get into the same console-seat as the larger Jornissian would, at any other time or day be considered adorable and somewhat welcome. As it stood now…, well. A very large yet very firm and unyielding hand pressed against Jessica’s forehead, holding her in place.

“<No.>”

“[Was it Warm-and-ready?]”

“<…what?>”

“[The actress. She sounded like Warm-and-ready; I can absolutely tell that it was warmcuddle-produced, as that prison/guard trope has been used tons of times, especially in lesbian and bisexual porn.]”

Shpressnrek blinked and furrowed her brow. “<And how exactly do you know this? You’re not yet 50->”

Eagle-screm sighed with a full-body sigh. “[Stop that. Besides, I only watch the good stuff. Sounded like they were going to double-team the guard, eh? Possibly slip away once he’s been “exhausted”, aaay?]”

“<. . . It’s nothing more than . . . An education->”

“[An education in booty. Besides, I didn’t take you for a – I mean, I thought you were hetero.]”

“<What? I am!>”

“[So you want to see two chicks double-team a dude?]”

“<I-I mean, it’s more like, uh. It’s just, he’s very well endowed and has a commanding presence and there’s a bit of power play a- and stop kinkshaming me>”

Shpressnrek huffed as she (very gently) tipped the inquisitive human backwards over the rail, making sure she landed on her feet with a gentle tap. “<J-just what do you want?!>”

“[Nothing! Well, I mean, it’s a little something. There’s a bit of a-]” Eagle-screm suddenly stopped mid sentence, her eyes seeming to focus on some middle-distance only she could see. Shpressnrek turned behind her at a glance, and saw that the clock had struck midnight. After a few moments of silence Shpressnrek turned back again, to see Eagle-screm physically shaking.

“<O-oh. Oh Gods, Eagle-screm are you ok->” Shpressnrek slowly reached out a hand, her other dancing on her console to quickly key in a code blue.

“[M-mid… Fri…]”

“<Eagle-screm, come on. Focus on me little one.>”

Eagle-screm turned her head slightly to look at the Jornissian, and looked through her. For you see, the clock had struck midnight.

“[De…deal.]”

“<What? Eagle-screm, you’re not->”

“[THE DEALS ARE HERE.]”

Shpressnrek tensed as the human started to look around frantically before full-body launching herself at the Jornissian. Human reflexes and speed and… well. Most everything, really, posed no immediate threat to a CQC-trained Jornissian, and Shpressnrek was able to dodge the initial flurry of blows-

-wait. Not a flurry of punches, they’re all open palms-

With a screech Eagle-screm attempted to throw herself at Shpressnrek’s console. The Jornissian wrapped her arms around the smaller human and full-body lifted her up, earning another surprisingly loud and long screech as the warm-cuddle flailed in her arms. With an errant tap of her finger, the console sent out a medical alert.

“<IRT this is Shpressnrek Keycode Thressn-Predre-78. I’ve got a mental break of some sort on->”

Her internal comm was lit up with the sounds of screaming, banging, and – was that weaponsfire?!

“[Shpressnrek Keycode Thressen-Predre-78 look I’m going to be brutally honest with you everything has absolutely gone soullight-out over here-]”

“<Where is here->”

“[Yes – that’s absolutely correct. We’ve gotten 1100 code blues in the last 30 – no – 45 seconds. 1250. 1500. By the eternal light-]”

“<What’s going on?! Nerve gas attack?! What’s happening to them->” Shpressnrek started to yell, concern sitting icy in her stomach, it’s pressure raising her voice.

“[We don’t know. 27 – no, 4,500. We’ve been trying to reach the stationmaster but we’re getting nothing. 7,860. Incident Response is quarantining the entire station; nobody in or out. We can’t raise anyone in fleet, and the other stations aren’t taking our hails. Use backdoors – the official channels are flooded with useless data – 9,942 -]”

“<Useless data?! Harsak-crushed lies. What is it?>”

“[Look Shpressnrek I really shouldn’t even be taking your call but we’re friends so-]”

“<An example. Just one. Just->” Shpressnrek held Jessica a bit tighter, the human trying to full-body wiggle out of her grip. “<Give me an idea.>”

“[Fine, fine… uh. 7,500% off of Wumbo.]”

“<7,500% off of Wumbo->”

“[NEEED IT! I NEED WUMBO-]” Jessica screeched, thrashing about ever-more-violently in the Jornissian’s grip.

“[That’s all I can give you. Suggestion is support them through their spasms, let them tire out, and then move to a medbay – any medbay. IRT’s setting up triage- good luck.]”

The comm link went dead. The clock struck midnight, and all hell broke loose.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The Russian hardbass had not stopped. If anything it only got stronger.

The balaclava-clad man was now wearing an ushanka, allowing him to upgrade from 3 keyboards to 5 – it didn’t matter that only 1 of them was connected to anything; it was all about the setup, man. Soon, he would have to break out the programming-squats, a dark art only used in the most dire of situations.

Day one had passed, much as planned. 4 deaths on Zephyr Station 8 – bodies on ice, roughly 500 other hospitalizations. The entire station had been sealed; nobody goes in or out. Data traffic had also been closed up tight, which means that only people with sudo-level access could access the net at large. Everyone else was stuck with either broadcast television or whatever information they could get in print. Worst case scenario, you’d have to make your orders through the nanofabricators themselves.

Which was, of course, all according to kekaiku.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Shpressnrek pressed her body against the hallway wall, sliding up it slightly to use as a support. With a higher vantage point she peeked around the corner and frowned at what she saw.

15… no, 20 warm-cuddles. Milling about as if they had no purpose, staring fixedly at one of the hallway monitors, the bright colors and flashing images mesmerizing them completely. Their hands moved in silent rythms only known to them – as far as Shpressnrek could tell, the issue was with some of their implants, or implant-related. It didn’t matter, not anymore – she had left Eagle-screm in her console after she passed out, and watched with morbid curiosity as she woke up, threw herself at the screens, and began to place orders for nonsensical things. Services, items, widgets to contraptions she didn’t even own – whatever had possessed her friend had so completely taken over her will with that of blind consumerism. Eagle-screm didn’t look up, didn’t move, didn’t blink, so focused was her concentration on draining her bank account…

Well. Until someone broke that concentration – then the warm-cuddle would turn on the transgressor as one hive-mind unit, tearing them apart. She was able to fight off Eagle-screm very easily, and a few other humans she met in the hallways were easy to subdue as well.

Large groups? She’d seen them swallow a Dorarizin whole. Just. Crest over the poor Janitor like a wave, and when they receded, there was nothing left.

… except for a Dorarizin. Sitting in a pile of GRC.

Without anything to his name.

Shpressnrek slunk back around the corner, mind racing. She could probably just slide right past them at full sprint, but, doing so might end up crippling one of the warm-cuddles if she ended up body-checking them into the wall. She knew, like everyone who was stationed at Dirt, that when push came to shove their lives came before her own; a simple and horrific mind-parasite affecting everyone on the station was no excuse to use lethal force.

“[I agree completely.]” Tr’Grakz, nodding sagely.

“<WHA->” Shpressnrek recoiled as she made eye-contact with the Karnakian that had suddenly snuck up on her.

“[Hello friend. Dark Skies ahead, it seems.]” Tr’Grakz said, pushing past the hyperventilating Jornissian to peek around the corner. “[Mmmm. This is less than ideal.]”

“<Just – how did you. What?->”

“[Not important right now, is it? Where are you headed?]”

“<Uh. Hangar. I thought that maybe one of the->”

“[All shuttles are AWOL. None have come up from Dirt, none are going between stations.]”

“<What? But I’d think that the warm-cuddle government would be notified about->”

“[It’s affecting everyone.]” Tr’Grakz said, as matter-of-factly as a sapient could when presenting such horrific news. “[I’ve only been able to verify 14 and 3, but. Same thing; Hermetic seals, quarantine. Nothing in or out, and noisy data flooding every spectrum.]”

“<… who?>”

“[We don’t know. It seems to be originating from Dirt itself, so.]”

“<… Mnemonic hazards have been outlawed for millenia->”

The Karnakian rounded on Shpressnrek with such speed and fervor that he appeared as a blur to her own excellent vision. “[Do not insinuate what you are. We cleaned that planet of everything, and they were children.]”

The two stared at each other for a few moments, each small increment of time sagging with the weight of history and unsaid fears before Tr’Grakz turned back to the hallway, crouching down in thought. “[… we simply must play to the disease in order to move forward.]”

“<… so where do we even go?>”

“[First, here is truth; I am Intelligence and Whispertalk. Nothing dirty.]”

Shpressnrek stared at her friend – well, at the back of his head – and thought for a few moments before responding. “<… Field Medic. Wetwork. Pandemonium.>”

Tr’Grakz bobbed slightly as the revelation rolled over him. “[… what an interesting choice to send here.]”

“<I could say the same.>”

“[Still. You’re doing good for someone used to taking directives. I’m trying to rally as many people as I can to get to the food court.]”

“<Wait, food court? Why?>”

Tr’Grakz waved his tail in a “get back” motion, and Shpressnrek obliged. He inhaled deeply –

“[BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL ON AISLE 5-]”

There was an unreasonably loud chorus of screeching as the mob turned towards the noise and began to run.

“<What the->”

“[TSST!]” Tr’Grakz hissed, pressing himself hard against the wall. After a few agonizing moments the group of humans ran past them, bodies hunched over and arms stretched back in their wake as they ran past the duo to the mythical Aisle 5. After a few moments the sound of the pitter-patter of little feet dwindled to nothing but background noise.

“[We go. I explain on the way, but, the long and short of it is that in all warm-cuddle media when something like this happens, the answer is to go to a retail store. They’re safe, stocked, and large – so we should be safe there too while we regroup.]”

Shpressnrek nodded and fell in behind Tr’Grakz as they raced towards the elevator, towards the lower decks, towards the safety of a massive retail chain.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Heels in sky, western spy.
Heels on ground, camrade found.
Heels on seat of computer chair while spinning softly, chain smoking and overdosing on krokodil, that’s still not overkill.

Time had lost meaning to the triple-balaclava wearing madman; he could no longer see, but he didn’t need to see. He was one with the Hardbass. He was one with Mother Russia. He was one with the hacker known as four chan. Newly-fingerless gloves grinding down keyboards, his window open to allow the frigid arctic air into his brutalist lair, the hacker continued his mad quest.

It had been… a day. No. Three. It was the last day – soon, he could rest. Soon it would be over.

Soon, it would be his.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

“<Tr’Grakz this was a terrible idea->”

Shpressnrek was coiled around the tallest point of a warehouse shelf, a veritable sea of warm-cuddles thronging below them. The Karnakian – whose claws were usually so adept at latching onto metal – found himself wanting, as with each claw-gouge he would weaken his own platform, causing various packaged goods to fall into the sea of humanity…

…and be utterly destroyed.

“[How was I to know they purposefully make bad decisions?!]” Tr’Grakz snapped back, trying to maintain balance on an ever-shakier middle shelf. “[Why would they even make movies like that?! Why would they teach themselves wrong? Is it a joke-]”

“<L-look. I know things have been hard since we lost Rgrezneh->”

“[She… when she lost her mate, she just… let go, and, she just-]”

“<Tr’Grakz, look at me. She gave up, that was her choice – but we can survive this, ok?! Just hang on->”

“[…she looked like she had such peace. Like… she just… let go. Of everything.]”

Shpressnrek’s mouth went dry as she looked at her friend – her fellow survivor – and tried to reach out across the aisle. “<Tr’Grakz. Don’t. Don’t look down, don’t look at them.>”

Tr’Grakz’s platform rocked as the horde far below them shook it, nothing more than the animalistic desire of wanting stuff to fall onto them, to be absorbed, to be devoured. A few more errant boxes found their way down to the masses below, and like before, they were ripped apart. Tr’Grakz watched with morbid curiosity as some bits of what was in the package made it’s way to the front, to the back, to all points of the store in a pattern only the human hive-mind could discern.

“[I bet it was peaceful.]”

“<Tr’Grakz, no. No. Look at me, take my hand, I can pull you up->”

“[…It was so quick too-]”

“<Tr’Grakz no->”

Shpressnrek watched in mute horror as her last friend – and last survivor – looked at her with sad, quiet eyes. He smiled, though it didn’t light up the room as it once did, and nodded.

Shpressnrek smiled a slightly hopeful smile and reached out a little further, stretching as far forward as she dared. Tr’Grakz reached up and gave a very human wave –

– and fell backwards.

“<NO! HARSAK-DAMN YOU, THAT WAS THE WRONG ANSWER!>” Shpressnrek roared in sadness and frustration as she watched the Karnakian plummet to the floor. As one the humans descended upon him, and she saw him no more.

“<NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO->”

The clock struck midnight.

“<-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO->”
“[Excuse me, Ma’am?]”
“<-Oooooo…oh?>” Shpressnrek petered out, slowly deflating from a defiant-rage-against-the-gods to a living questionmark. She looked down at the rapidly-dispersing human mob, who seemed absolutely none worse the wear for their past multiday ordeal.

In fact, they looked ecstatic. As they dispersed she saw the very-much still living Tr’Grakz, naked as the day he was hatched save for a significant pile of GRC laying on his chest.

‘<Huh. So that’s what that looks like.>’ Shpressnrek thought idly, before shaking her head clear. “<I uhm. Yes?>”

“[Yes, you. Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to not climb the shelves at Low-Home*Mart & Beyond. If you need help, an associate will help you.]”

“<I um. What. What just – What just happened?!>”

“[Ma’am I don’t know what the problem seems to be but I need you to get off the shelf; you’re not an elf and this will only raise our insurance premiums.]”

The two sapients stared at each other for a few moments, the happy murmur of human conversations and the merry beep of the checkout lines settling in as an omnipresent white noise.

“<What.>”

The human sighed and wiped his hands on his smock before turning towards her fallen comrade.

“[Shpressnrek! I’m alive!]” Tr’Grakz chirped happily, waving up to his friend in a daze.

“[Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to put on pants… again.]”

“<WHAT.>”

= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Glenn Abramson stumbled out of his impromptu crypt, the acrid scent of cigarettes, terrible food and illicit drugs clinging to his disheveled form like a man adrift at sea clings to what floating scraps he can find. He stood at the viewport window, steadying himself with a hand as he tried to will the world to stop spinning.

“Well, comrade?”

Glenn frowned and turned to his partner-in-crime, Ivan Ivanovitch Ivanovsky and growled. “Fuck, give me a moment.”

“No, no. Not after that investment. I want what we need, now. You say the future of this station and everyone rests on it-”

“It’s being delivered you inbred gopnik.”

“Davai. Coffe is made, da?”

A warm mug was thrust into Glenn’s chest, which he readily accepted and drank with zero apprehension.

“So? What is it? What is worth shutting down the entire station network, multiple deaths, and the public maiming of our… visitors?”

Glenn swirled the half-drunk mug in his hand for a moment before smiling softly.

“I got a great deal on replacement caps for those disposable bic ballpoint pens.”

Ivan’s face fell. “No… such caps – it is legend.”

[The End]

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[Secret Bonus Ending]

“Nope.” Grinned Glenn. “It’s real as you and me – and as real as the merchandise you can now buy of They are Smol – all at cost, physical shitposts, delivered right to your door just in time for the holidays.”

“Aaah! It’s the utopian promises of communism, made manifest!” Ivan exclaimed, looking directly at the reader reading these words with their eyes. “That promise being, as Marx wrote, the propagation of rampant late-stage capitalism. So, in the spirit of this holiday shopping season, we are happy to shill out with terrible and obnoxious product placements. Go buy your physical shitpost today!”

And the secret bonus ending left everyone with a bad taste in their mouth but also a morbid curiosity that could only be quenched by going to a website that would give google a bunch of questionable algorithm connections to make.

https://theyaresmol.storenvy.com/

Happy Holidays, from the Writeforge/TaS team to you. We do love you.

And remember: If you died during black friday your bloodline is weak and you deserve to be culled.